Lying in bed at 3am this morning, I have been going over in my head how I have felt my life subtly and life-alteringly changing in the last year...
It's all been a long, but interestingly shifting process of transmogrification (an internally physical, mental, and or somewhat spiritual transformation...), where I have felt my inner self shift and change into what feels like a more spiritually and mentally centered 'the real me', in terms of thoughts, physical change (natural loss of weight and building of tone), strengthening of personality, sociability (being able to hold complete conversations with people and strangers, and actually talk over the phone, where I would have once shied away before), to most ultimately, a very real change and inner awareness of my inner butch self.
The more I read lesbian erotica, romances and just plain old detective novels, the more I can so much more innately identify with with the butch characters within them, the innate feelings of wanting to take care of a woman, to be the strong one (counter-balanced by a fiesty sexy femme strength), and oh so much lately appreciate all that is feminine and soft and female, and yet feel so at home standing in the men's department in a store, and running my eyes over just the right open-necked shirt, tailored blazer, waistcoat and tie that I just feel an innate need to wear when I go out to a lesbian bar or venue. I did that the other day, while waiting for my Mum to pay for her goods in a department store - just stood there and took in all the crisp linen and silk shirts all around me, and the pure joy I felt looking around at them and running my hands down the clean lines of them. I could feel my inner butch reasserting herself and breathing in a sigh of complete satisfaction in a way that she hasn't done for many, many years... since I so blindly felt the need and fear to suppress who I was in the hope of pleasing my Mum's expectations, and making the guy I was seeing at the time all those years ago happy, me not knowing or being too scared or naive to know the difference between liking someone a lot as a best friend, and not fancying the pants off of them, and mistaking that for a comfortable, though un-moving kind of love.
So many mistakes and years later, I have finally, bit by bit, let go of the constraints I put around my emotional and sexual self, and since being once again given the freedom to breathe and emotionally evolve, my inner butch seems to be gloriously asserting herself, and driving me crazy with almost constant appreciation of the beauty and lushness of women at every turn. Wonderful, and liberating, but maddening when one doesn't have a girlfriend to lavish this all on. I know, be patient, yadda, yadda. But tell that to my lusty mind that gets distracted by soft busts, soft curves and the gorgeous lines of a woman's figure when she saunters past in a smooth flowing dress, or flashes a fish-net stocking in my line of sight. I finally see what poor guys must go through every day...!(grin)
It's amazing, how I find parts of myself in the books that I have been reading... in the varied characters on board the cruise in Radclyffe & Karin Kallmaker's 'In Deep Waters', and then most prominently in my current bedside reading, 'The Perfect Valentine (Bella After Dark)', where the very subtle things mentioned in Karin Kallmaker's short story (Do Overs) just leapt off the page at me, and could really have been a description of me and how I was around a 'femme between the sheets' with one of my previous girlfriends. Then there's Dale in 'Not Single Enough', who worried about her insatiable libido, and waking her girlfriend up for the 3rd time to make love because she just couldn't get enough of her, and kind of liked being thought of the oaf that kept her up all night and put a sparkle in her eye... finally giving in to the thought that if they made love just one more time, then they'd get in enough sleep before she had to go to work, and that she could leave her girlfriend looking thoroughly lovely and sleepy in bed with breakfast and coffee in the morning... (I have been very guilty of doing and thinking all of that, so much so, it was like Kallmaker had plucked those lusty thoughts straight from my head {embarrassed, but happy smile}).
Yep, that's been me - completely hopelessly horny and romanticising for most of this holiday. I know, I'm in trouble...but hey, what can a girl do, but enjoy all these newly emerging feelings and recognition of her sexuality, and hope to learn and evolve enough so she can really indulge with her next girlfriend if she is lucky enough to meet her over the coming year...
In terms of body transformation, I feel a growing need to tone up - to eat healthier, to lose just those few extra pounds that mean that I will feel comfortable enough to cut my hair short around my oval face and effortlessly wear the type of tailored clothes that I feel so drawn to - my waist has naturally become so tiny now that I have come off of taking the contraceptive pill, and my arms so slightly more muscular, that I reckon a few hours working out at the gym a couple of times a week, coupled with some lovely long strolls may just get me where I feel my inner butch will feel so much happier being. There is a part of me that answered "Yes, that's me..." when I read Karin Kallmaker's 'Do Overs' short in 'The Perfect Valentine', when the femme, on admiring her butch's body mused how she loved seeing her butch as a strong woman "...with (full breasts), broad shoulders and muscular arms". Well, that's how my figure almost is at the moment, but softer, with some love handles and a slightly rounded tummy (3 dress sizes less from where I was a year ago), but on the way to where I'd like it to be, and would feel much more comfortable with.
And when my mind isn't stewing with lust and sensation and thoughts of all day in bed and sexy intelligent imaginative conversation with curvy femmes (I feel like a hormonic teenager!), I am so enjoying my sense of emerging spirituality and sense of self too. I have re-discovered my nomadic travelling streak, where I feel completely at ease chucking some clothes in a back-pack and hopping on a plane somewhere, staying in a no-frills hotel, and exploring and experiencing a place to pieces. I feel so much more centred now that my true self is emerging - more in tune with the world, with the uncanny coincidences that seem to happen around me so often now, with the amazingly good feeling I get from helping people, from doing a job well, from projecting my inner strength and calm when others need to be listened to, to opening up my mind, and to just feeling a little more Zen with the to the spiritual and physical world around us. I swear I was a hippy or a buddhist or something in a past life, but I must say, it's a glorious feeling to feel so in tune at times (well apart from when I have PMT, but that's a whole different, interesting, frustrating, demanding, intriguing animal all by itself).
I want to do so many things in 2008. I want to enter a Business/Entrepreneurial competition, where I get free business advice and classes, and the opportunity to win some money, confidence and ideas to help me to really go ahead and pursue my dream of starting up my own place and string of places over the years, which feels so imminently there able able to happen in my future over the next 18 months or so. I want to write, to write some fiction, some poetry, some songs, a play - all the things I have done or started to do and never actively pursued in the past because all the energy I was using to constrain all my natural sexuality and confirm to all the rules, was draining me artistically, emotionally and spiritually. Now I feel like I am finally evolving into the me I could have been, I feel like I should just let myself be, and see what of all these things I am drawn to I can do, and what I can leave to grow until I am ready/have time to nurture them with everything else going on in my life...
What I also want to do this year is downsize all my possessions, throw out a whole load of stuff, and move into a smaller 1 bedroom flat, with less rent, but also scope for me to nest and make the place my own. I also want a cat...that part of me that has wanted one and felt as if I have been missing a feline companion all these years... (yes, I'm aware of how lesbian that is, but hey, I'm evolving into one, or whatever turns out to be me).
I also want to get my plans for an online business into gear, so that I have some money coming in from a source that pays for itself... I figure that I've spent so many years making other people's websites function and look good, I may as well use this skill to help myself too, and hopefully fund a few of these lofty ideas I've been perculating and flinging around. ;0)
There is so much. So much that I know I am capable of bringing about, and of which I want to live up to for myself this year. It's a very tall order, but there never was any fun in aiming low, was there?
A slightly butcher, and hopefully as successful and slightly less fucked-up version of Bette Porter... here I come... (ah... the dreams of the slightly young at heart and positive... sigh):
Saturday, 29 December 2007
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
New design
After ages of being annoyed that I couldn't get the background image and box sizes I wanted for the look and feel of my blog, in between Christmas TV and debauchery, I finally got a chance to sit down and interrogate the code behind the standard Blogger template, and hacked it so that my blog now looks like both my YouTube and MySpace pages.
Satisfied smile.
Such a small, but oh so significant change for me. Now this place feels more like home...
Nesting?
Moi?
Satisfied smile.
Such a small, but oh so significant change for me. Now this place feels more like home...
Nesting?
Moi?
Monday, 24 December 2007
Seattle
Seattle, and the Pacific North West has very much made a deep pocket of warmth in my heart. I loved my 6 day visit, from the people, the culture, the food, the arts, and the endearingly changeable weather (which fondly reminded me of London).
When I first landed in Seattle, I went to find my pre-booked shuttle car from the airport to my hotel in downtown Queen Ann, and met this rather gorgeous, and delightfully intelligent blonde lady in her mid-40s, with whom there was an instant spark, and from the moment I helped her retrieve her lost gloves, to the moment we realised we were the only ones in the shuttle car together going to our hotels, we hit it off instantly, and chatted away like we'd been friends for years. Regardless of her being 12-15 years older than me, I found her incredibly beautiful, elegant and several kinds of hot. My gaydar pinged just slightly, which did make me wonder if she was a lovely late bloomer, but I decided to take the budding friendship for what it was, and was very pleasantly surprised when she gave me her card, and even more so since we have now exchanged a few emails. As hot as she is, I'm not setting myself up for one of my famous falls again, but will say that I'm enjoying her friendship, and delighting in her witty, quirky and sometimes refreshingly geeky sense of humour. So lovely to connect again.
On my birthday, while waiting for the Seattle Underground Tour of Pioneer Square to start, I had the pleasure of soaking up the lovely woody atmosphere of the Elliot Bay bookstore, with the comforting sound of old creaking floorboards under my feet, and high bookshelves full of books of every kind, with special hand-written notes by bookstore employees of why they thought certain books were a good read - it was definitely a nice way to while away a few hours in the warmth and presence of so many interesting words and thoughts.
The Underground Tour was wonderful - packed with Seattle's quirky history, a sense of adventure, interesting details on the founders' relationship with Chief Seattle and the Native Americans, and a healthy dose of humorous and sobering tales of the forthright and lively relations between the business men and women and the town planners of the 1800s between then and now. Definitely something I would recommend, and once I have processed the photos, I will definitely share them with you.
I also got to visit Capitol Hill, which was excellent. I dropped into some quirky shops and independent book stores, and also an interesting little Indian jewellery store, where I bought an unusual blue and red Tibetan pendant, from it's very intelligent and worldly owner, with whom I had an interesting conversation about travelling and property developing around the world.
I also got to drop into the wonderful Bailey Coy bookstore, which has a lovely treasure trove of lesbian and gay books, stationary and artwork. I happily browsed around for an hour, and then went up to the sales counter to ask the rather cute woman with dark blonde hair and glasses if she stocked Paige Braddock's "Jane's World". I got a very throaty and darned right sexy "Hello...!" from her, and some very good chemistry going on as we chatted. All the while I was thinking, "Damn, she's cute...a shame I can't take her back home with me...". I even got a wink and some good wishes for the rest of my stay in Seattle.
Sigh.
I don't think I've ever got such a cute and sexy welcome in a long, long time - pity I was only on a flying visit - but remembering her will always give me the warm sexy fuzzies... ;0)
The following day was spent exploring the wonders of Freemont - visiting its quirky and inspiring independent art shops and frame galleries, and also the Freemont Troll, and the sign that declares Freemont 'The Centre of the Universe'. ;0) I was also very fortunate to sample a wonderful Thai restaurant called 'Jai Thai', where I must say I had the most authentic Thai food I've ever tasted since being treated to a 3 course meal at the house of a Thai friend over 12 years ago now. The people at Jai Thai really do prepare their food with the best quality ingredients, and at an amazingly reasonable price too.
That evening, I walked up to Greenwood to spend a few hours with my two favourite authors, Kelley Eskridge (a writer of speculative and sci-fi fiction, who is also a screen writer), and Nicola Griffiths (a crime thriller and and sci-fi writer too). It was really a lovely evening, spent sampling real ale, some excellent white wine and good pub food, as well as sharing stories about growing up in unusual environments, the delights of cooking using fresh organic ingredients, and some quirky stories about dealing matter of factly with illness (Nicola copes quite admirably with MS), as well as joys of travelling too.
I enjoyed the evening so much, that I happily decided to forgo doing the geeky fan thing, and didn't get them to sign books or dissect their books in detail, which I think made for a much more relaxed time all round, where we all felt like we could be ourselves - and I am sure was a nice break from all the interviews and promotional tours they have been doing. At the end of the evening, Nicola was lovely and paid for my meal (as their birthday treat to me), and Kelley drove me back to my hotel (as by this time, it was raining quite heavily, and I had a particularly sore knee from all the walking I had been doing). They also offered to show me around the islands of Puget Sound whenever I next visit, which was really lovely of them. All-in-all it was a really nice experience.
The rest of the trip was spent doing the wonderful Savor Seattle food tour, where I got a quirky personalised tour (as this was the first time they had had only one customer show up in the tours history - they did, however, have a fully booked afternoon tour that same day), so I got to forgo all the formalities once again, and as well as listen to some gossip from various vendors around Pike Place market, got to sample some fantastic food, wine and deserts, as well as buy some very good quality fresh coffee, tea, cheese and chocolate gifts for the folks back home.
After a wonderful day at the Seattle Art Museum, I also got see The Golden Compass (which was good, though sadly not as wonderful as it could have been - I have a feeling the directing and screenplay let down the actors and the story, which was a little disappointing). The Seattle Symphony, however, was wonderful, and listening to Handel's Messiah with Christian Knapp (conductor), and Celena Shafer (soprano), was definitely a treat I would like to experience again.
My final day was spent visiting the Key Arena (whose name always reminds me of my completely unrelated, but much loved Bogie and Bacall film, 'Key Largo'), and the various attractions around the Space Needle, with the Experience Music Project, Pacific Science Center, and Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame being some nice places to visit.
---And you know, even after all of that, and how much I really loved my whole trip, I still don't feel I have gotten to see the full beauty of Seattle, and of course Oregon, and Vancouver. I really do think this calls for another trip in the summer if I can save up for it - I would love to spend a few days just strolling along the coastline, and experiencing the forests and lakes of Oregon, with a stop-off in Vancouver for a bit of exploring, and then back down to Seattle to explore the islands around Puget Sound, and finally track down 'Twice Sold Tales' (that bookstore with the resident cats - it used to be in the Queen Anne neighbourhood, but unfortunately moved to the University district, which I ran out of time to explore).
When I first landed in Seattle, I went to find my pre-booked shuttle car from the airport to my hotel in downtown Queen Ann, and met this rather gorgeous, and delightfully intelligent blonde lady in her mid-40s, with whom there was an instant spark, and from the moment I helped her retrieve her lost gloves, to the moment we realised we were the only ones in the shuttle car together going to our hotels, we hit it off instantly, and chatted away like we'd been friends for years. Regardless of her being 12-15 years older than me, I found her incredibly beautiful, elegant and several kinds of hot. My gaydar pinged just slightly, which did make me wonder if she was a lovely late bloomer, but I decided to take the budding friendship for what it was, and was very pleasantly surprised when she gave me her card, and even more so since we have now exchanged a few emails. As hot as she is, I'm not setting myself up for one of my famous falls again, but will say that I'm enjoying her friendship, and delighting in her witty, quirky and sometimes refreshingly geeky sense of humour. So lovely to connect again.
On my birthday, while waiting for the Seattle Underground Tour of Pioneer Square to start, I had the pleasure of soaking up the lovely woody atmosphere of the Elliot Bay bookstore, with the comforting sound of old creaking floorboards under my feet, and high bookshelves full of books of every kind, with special hand-written notes by bookstore employees of why they thought certain books were a good read - it was definitely a nice way to while away a few hours in the warmth and presence of so many interesting words and thoughts.
The Underground Tour was wonderful - packed with Seattle's quirky history, a sense of adventure, interesting details on the founders' relationship with Chief Seattle and the Native Americans, and a healthy dose of humorous and sobering tales of the forthright and lively relations between the business men and women and the town planners of the 1800s between then and now. Definitely something I would recommend, and once I have processed the photos, I will definitely share them with you.
I also got to visit Capitol Hill, which was excellent. I dropped into some quirky shops and independent book stores, and also an interesting little Indian jewellery store, where I bought an unusual blue and red Tibetan pendant, from it's very intelligent and worldly owner, with whom I had an interesting conversation about travelling and property developing around the world.
I also got to drop into the wonderful Bailey Coy bookstore, which has a lovely treasure trove of lesbian and gay books, stationary and artwork. I happily browsed around for an hour, and then went up to the sales counter to ask the rather cute woman with dark blonde hair and glasses if she stocked Paige Braddock's "Jane's World". I got a very throaty and darned right sexy "Hello...!" from her, and some very good chemistry going on as we chatted. All the while I was thinking, "Damn, she's cute...a shame I can't take her back home with me...". I even got a wink and some good wishes for the rest of my stay in Seattle.
Sigh.
I don't think I've ever got such a cute and sexy welcome in a long, long time - pity I was only on a flying visit - but remembering her will always give me the warm sexy fuzzies... ;0)
The following day was spent exploring the wonders of Freemont - visiting its quirky and inspiring independent art shops and frame galleries, and also the Freemont Troll, and the sign that declares Freemont 'The Centre of the Universe'. ;0) I was also very fortunate to sample a wonderful Thai restaurant called 'Jai Thai', where I must say I had the most authentic Thai food I've ever tasted since being treated to a 3 course meal at the house of a Thai friend over 12 years ago now. The people at Jai Thai really do prepare their food with the best quality ingredients, and at an amazingly reasonable price too.
That evening, I walked up to Greenwood to spend a few hours with my two favourite authors, Kelley Eskridge (a writer of speculative and sci-fi fiction, who is also a screen writer), and Nicola Griffiths (a crime thriller and and sci-fi writer too). It was really a lovely evening, spent sampling real ale, some excellent white wine and good pub food, as well as sharing stories about growing up in unusual environments, the delights of cooking using fresh organic ingredients, and some quirky stories about dealing matter of factly with illness (Nicola copes quite admirably with MS), as well as joys of travelling too.
I enjoyed the evening so much, that I happily decided to forgo doing the geeky fan thing, and didn't get them to sign books or dissect their books in detail, which I think made for a much more relaxed time all round, where we all felt like we could be ourselves - and I am sure was a nice break from all the interviews and promotional tours they have been doing. At the end of the evening, Nicola was lovely and paid for my meal (as their birthday treat to me), and Kelley drove me back to my hotel (as by this time, it was raining quite heavily, and I had a particularly sore knee from all the walking I had been doing). They also offered to show me around the islands of Puget Sound whenever I next visit, which was really lovely of them. All-in-all it was a really nice experience.
The rest of the trip was spent doing the wonderful Savor Seattle food tour, where I got a quirky personalised tour (as this was the first time they had had only one customer show up in the tours history - they did, however, have a fully booked afternoon tour that same day), so I got to forgo all the formalities once again, and as well as listen to some gossip from various vendors around Pike Place market, got to sample some fantastic food, wine and deserts, as well as buy some very good quality fresh coffee, tea, cheese and chocolate gifts for the folks back home.
After a wonderful day at the Seattle Art Museum, I also got see The Golden Compass (which was good, though sadly not as wonderful as it could have been - I have a feeling the directing and screenplay let down the actors and the story, which was a little disappointing). The Seattle Symphony, however, was wonderful, and listening to Handel's Messiah with Christian Knapp (conductor), and Celena Shafer (soprano), was definitely a treat I would like to experience again.
My final day was spent visiting the Key Arena (whose name always reminds me of my completely unrelated, but much loved Bogie and Bacall film, 'Key Largo'), and the various attractions around the Space Needle, with the Experience Music Project, Pacific Science Center, and Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame being some nice places to visit.
---And you know, even after all of that, and how much I really loved my whole trip, I still don't feel I have gotten to see the full beauty of Seattle, and of course Oregon, and Vancouver. I really do think this calls for another trip in the summer if I can save up for it - I would love to spend a few days just strolling along the coastline, and experiencing the forests and lakes of Oregon, with a stop-off in Vancouver for a bit of exploring, and then back down to Seattle to explore the islands around Puget Sound, and finally track down 'Twice Sold Tales' (that bookstore with the resident cats - it used to be in the Queen Anne neighbourhood, but unfortunately moved to the University district, which I ran out of time to explore).
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Where have I been...?!?
Thanks US for your comment, and for asking for where all of my more regular snippets have gone. I really wish I could write my blog via ESP - it would be so much easier!
Part of the reason I have not updated in such a long while, is that I have been madly busy with work etc., and then, of course, my guilty, but indulgently fabulous trip to Seattle (of which I will say more over the next few days).
There is also the vanity factor - the ultimate blogger dilemma, where one wonders if after having so few comments on the blog in general, if one's writing really is too boring for people to read, and if one should just give up writing for a while until that burning need to spill things down in written form rises up again.
Sigh. I know. Pure vanity - but one really does need one's ego stroked every once in a while - so thank-you US for doing just that. I actually do have quite a lot to share that has been going on in the world around me, and to me, so will try and post a bit more this holiday season.
P.S...I have now re-published some of my older writing in the archives for 2007 - taken down in a fit of peak, when I was paranoid about being found by one of my real-life friends. At the moment though, I don't think that's gonna happen - so my dirty laundry is now aired once more...
In the meanwhile, here is one of my fave Youtube moments:
Part of the reason I have not updated in such a long while, is that I have been madly busy with work etc., and then, of course, my guilty, but indulgently fabulous trip to Seattle (of which I will say more over the next few days).
There is also the vanity factor - the ultimate blogger dilemma, where one wonders if after having so few comments on the blog in general, if one's writing really is too boring for people to read, and if one should just give up writing for a while until that burning need to spill things down in written form rises up again.
Sigh. I know. Pure vanity - but one really does need one's ego stroked every once in a while - so thank-you US for doing just that. I actually do have quite a lot to share that has been going on in the world around me, and to me, so will try and post a bit more this holiday season.
P.S...I have now re-published some of my older writing in the archives for 2007 - taken down in a fit of peak, when I was paranoid about being found by one of my real-life friends. At the moment though, I don't think that's gonna happen - so my dirty laundry is now aired once more...
In the meanwhile, here is one of my fave Youtube moments:
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Thursday, 1 November 2007
I've been bad...
...I've been very, very bad...
I got my season ticket loan for buying my travel card in my pay packet yesterday, and after first trying to buy the ticket online, and the website refusing to let me complete the transaction, I was very tempted to spend half of the money on a birthday trip to Seattle instead...
I thought about it all day, thought about how restless I've been of late, of how I could earn back the money by selling stuff and doing other things in the meanwhile... How I'd promised myself that I'd go this year, and how disappointed I'd be with me if I just slacked off and didn't make the effort to... How a *very* weird set of coincidences has seemed to be pointing me in the direction of Seattle for the past 6 months...
By the time it got to 9.30pm last night, I'd wound myself in guilty knots, and then thought "**m if you don't do it before 10pm, you're never going to do it...! The only person stopping you is you... go for it! You need to do this.".
So I did - in a scarily short amount of time, I put together a cheap BA flight and cheap accommodation, and booked it all...
I can't believe it.
I'm actually going.
I feel incredibly guilty for using half of the loan money - but know I can make it up if I live like a nun for the next month and a bit - which really isn't that hard if I focus my energies on not going out and eating bland but nourishing food, as well as a few money-making schemes I've had in mind to start anyway.
I'm scared, but excited. Somethings been pushing me to go to Seattle for some years now. I'm not sure what, but I look forward to finding out...
I got my season ticket loan for buying my travel card in my pay packet yesterday, and after first trying to buy the ticket online, and the website refusing to let me complete the transaction, I was very tempted to spend half of the money on a birthday trip to Seattle instead...
I thought about it all day, thought about how restless I've been of late, of how I could earn back the money by selling stuff and doing other things in the meanwhile... How I'd promised myself that I'd go this year, and how disappointed I'd be with me if I just slacked off and didn't make the effort to... How a *very* weird set of coincidences has seemed to be pointing me in the direction of Seattle for the past 6 months...
By the time it got to 9.30pm last night, I'd wound myself in guilty knots, and then thought "**m if you don't do it before 10pm, you're never going to do it...! The only person stopping you is you... go for it! You need to do this.".
So I did - in a scarily short amount of time, I put together a cheap BA flight and cheap accommodation, and booked it all...
I can't believe it.
I'm actually going.
I feel incredibly guilty for using half of the loan money - but know I can make it up if I live like a nun for the next month and a bit - which really isn't that hard if I focus my energies on not going out and eating bland but nourishing food, as well as a few money-making schemes I've had in mind to start anyway.
I'm scared, but excited. Somethings been pushing me to go to Seattle for some years now. I'm not sure what, but I look forward to finding out...
Sunday, 28 October 2007
First Lesbian memory?
I was pondering the other day how so many people differ when it comes to their first childhood memories. Some people can't remember anything before 6 years old, and the odd strange person (like myself) can remember sitting up in their cot and plotting an escape route (to the absolute fright of my poor mother when I magically appeared downstairs a few mins later when she had no idea I could walk at the time).
Anyway, I digress, upon wondering about the above (you can see how my brain is full of useless junk) I was thinking back the other day, to when I had my very first 'Lesbian' thought.
For me it was actually my very first sexual thought/dream, so to speak, and I only remember it as it about knocked me sideways: One day when I was 13, I was innocently doing the whole going to school, going home and doing my homework thing as I'd always done, and then bam(!) that night I had this incredibly hot dream that my very cute school librarian (female) and I were snogging each other's faces off. While rather a nice dream, I had never even thought about anything sexual before that moment - certainly gave me pause for thought I can tell you!
It all seems so obvious now...
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
Inuitive Right Brain
While pretending to work (waisting time), I came across a wonderful collection of links that caused a bit of an epiphany with me today, in terms of why over this last year, I have become more intuitive, spiritual, and weirdly, am using my left hand more, and thus the right-side of my brain...
Before I leave work, I really must put these links somewhere, so I can explore when I'm next at home on my laptop... and for anyone else of course....
Intuitive thinking for artists - how to do it (though I must say, this is how I've basically always thought, so refreshing to find this...)
Right-Left Brain test
I don't have ADD, but the section on all the elements of Right-brain use intrigued me...
Left Brain - Right Brain
Before I leave work, I really must put these links somewhere, so I can explore when I'm next at home on my laptop... and for anyone else of course....
Intuitive thinking for artists - how to do it (though I must say, this is how I've basically always thought, so refreshing to find this...)
Right-Left Brain test
I don't have ADD, but the section on all the elements of Right-brain use intrigued me...
Left Brain - Right Brain
Monday, 13 August 2007
Dante break-up (...9 levels of hell)
It has happened.
After getting back from a really lovely time in New York, and meeting the girlfriend for a 4 day trip in Ireland - we broke up on the 1st day, and then ensued a 4-day break-up in extreme slow motion from hell. It's bad enough breaking up with someone, but to then have to see them afterwards and be on holiday with them is tantamount to watching a painful, bad, and extremely hellish car crash in excruciating slow-motion.
I finally got to walk away at 1.30am this morning, and am slowly re-adjusting a sense of self.
I'd say more, but too painful right now.
Am liking not being on edge all the time, and worrying about various things I have not blogged here re. personality clashes etc., so in all, it is for the best.
Now to move on and live life again...
New York and all that lone traveller feeling and experience was fabulous though... will have to post a link to some photos soon...
After getting back from a really lovely time in New York, and meeting the girlfriend for a 4 day trip in Ireland - we broke up on the 1st day, and then ensued a 4-day break-up in extreme slow motion from hell. It's bad enough breaking up with someone, but to then have to see them afterwards and be on holiday with them is tantamount to watching a painful, bad, and extremely hellish car crash in excruciating slow-motion.
I finally got to walk away at 1.30am this morning, and am slowly re-adjusting a sense of self.
I'd say more, but too painful right now.
Am liking not being on edge all the time, and worrying about various things I have not blogged here re. personality clashes etc., so in all, it is for the best.
Now to move on and live life again...
New York and all that lone traveller feeling and experience was fabulous though... will have to post a link to some photos soon...
Sunday, 29 July 2007
An unstoppable force...
The time I have seen moving towards me at a rate that I know will hurt, has come today.
My girlfriend has emailed, texted, phoned and now driven her car up to meet the object of her crush/obsession this afternoon, and I have not even bothered to do anything about it, because at this point, I reckon that all the whining, arguing and jealousy in the world isn't going to stop her need to go meet my friend - she has to do it, and whatever happens, happens.
I've been told from the very start by my girlfriend that she was incapable of being serious about me due to her most recent traumatic breakup, and her not believing in the power or reality of love or true affection anymore, and so, as much as I enjoy her company, at the back of my mind, my rational voice has been preparing me for it all ending in tears, and me being hurt in the end. I have only just found out that her ex is still in her life and making demands of her - hence her going hot and cold on me, and her confession that she likes to feel needed by her ex (who went off with a guy), and that she cannot figure out how to end it all completely. So, since the start, I guess, there have been 3 people in this relationship, and then since she met R, there are now 4.
A bit crowded?
Much?
We had amazing, mind-blowing sex yesterday morning, and she sent me some messages saying that she wished she was with me.
But.
I still get the sense that I am more her fuck buddy than anything else, and as 'nice' as she keeps calling me, that will never be enough for her.
Hence her going to meet my friend.
I was wondering today why I'm not mad at my friend R. It's because I know she is a womaniser, and have always accepted that - I will probably like her a little less because of what I sense is happening (the way my girlfriend gets all breathy when she mentions her, the way that they both looked at each other and had deep conversations with each other when we all last went out). All this energy used up in jealousy is doing me no good at all - hence me letting them get on with it really.
I am not sure if I will be able to go to one of our group outings without getting over emotional, but I have realised that this is my chance to end things without feeling guilty, and maintaining some shred of self respect. A lot has been going on that I haven't blogged, some nice and some painful things. But today I felt the need to blog things off of my chest, so to speak.
You never know, I might be completely wrong, and this is all completely innocent, my instincts are off, and my friend has been completely honourable with my girlfriend. But, having drawn an infidelity card in my tarot today, and having my previous instincts around this type of thing in the past being proved right... I'm a bit resigned really.
I guess in the end, this explains why I was confused in not feeling as much as I usually do this far into a relationship - it's because I was instinctively setting myself up for a fall, especially being told by the girlfriend that she had previously slept with friends while in a relationship with someone else.
Writing on the Wall - so to speak.
I guess my new glasses have come in handy.
I really do hope I can fly off to the States soon, and just have some *me* time.
No idea what/how things are going to go on the phone tonight - but looks like it's going to be another learning curve.
My girlfriend has emailed, texted, phoned and now driven her car up to meet the object of her crush/obsession this afternoon, and I have not even bothered to do anything about it, because at this point, I reckon that all the whining, arguing and jealousy in the world isn't going to stop her need to go meet my friend - she has to do it, and whatever happens, happens.
I've been told from the very start by my girlfriend that she was incapable of being serious about me due to her most recent traumatic breakup, and her not believing in the power or reality of love or true affection anymore, and so, as much as I enjoy her company, at the back of my mind, my rational voice has been preparing me for it all ending in tears, and me being hurt in the end. I have only just found out that her ex is still in her life and making demands of her - hence her going hot and cold on me, and her confession that she likes to feel needed by her ex (who went off with a guy), and that she cannot figure out how to end it all completely. So, since the start, I guess, there have been 3 people in this relationship, and then since she met R, there are now 4.
A bit crowded?
Much?
We had amazing, mind-blowing sex yesterday morning, and she sent me some messages saying that she wished she was with me.
But.
I still get the sense that I am more her fuck buddy than anything else, and as 'nice' as she keeps calling me, that will never be enough for her.
Hence her going to meet my friend.
I was wondering today why I'm not mad at my friend R. It's because I know she is a womaniser, and have always accepted that - I will probably like her a little less because of what I sense is happening (the way my girlfriend gets all breathy when she mentions her, the way that they both looked at each other and had deep conversations with each other when we all last went out). All this energy used up in jealousy is doing me no good at all - hence me letting them get on with it really.
I am not sure if I will be able to go to one of our group outings without getting over emotional, but I have realised that this is my chance to end things without feeling guilty, and maintaining some shred of self respect. A lot has been going on that I haven't blogged, some nice and some painful things. But today I felt the need to blog things off of my chest, so to speak.
You never know, I might be completely wrong, and this is all completely innocent, my instincts are off, and my friend has been completely honourable with my girlfriend. But, having drawn an infidelity card in my tarot today, and having my previous instincts around this type of thing in the past being proved right... I'm a bit resigned really.
I guess in the end, this explains why I was confused in not feeling as much as I usually do this far into a relationship - it's because I was instinctively setting myself up for a fall, especially being told by the girlfriend that she had previously slept with friends while in a relationship with someone else.
Writing on the Wall - so to speak.
I guess my new glasses have come in handy.
I really do hope I can fly off to the States soon, and just have some *me* time.
No idea what/how things are going to go on the phone tonight - but looks like it's going to be another learning curve.
Monday, 23 July 2007
In This Place...
It's lonely in this place with you.
I try to open up, but then get cut down by sarcasm. One moment you're very sweet, and the next, so distant - I'm not sure whether to dwell on the good times, or just drift through this whole thing so I don't get as hurt as I know I will.
I'm not sure how to feel, as you keep telling me how much you don't want. And when feelings of jealousy or sadness encroach, I don't even know if I have the right to be feeling them, as I'm not your proper girlfriend... just something that 'happened'...
It's draining being on the defensive all the time, and I have wanted to end this many times, but have a feeling it's not quite the right time yet...
I think I'm finding a balance now, where I can understand, and be patient, as you've made very clear you're not in this for the long-run.
Still hurts though.
I guess, as you so rightly said, it's a learning process for both of us, and for myself, I think, karma for what has been.
I try to open up, but then get cut down by sarcasm. One moment you're very sweet, and the next, so distant - I'm not sure whether to dwell on the good times, or just drift through this whole thing so I don't get as hurt as I know I will.
I'm not sure how to feel, as you keep telling me how much you don't want. And when feelings of jealousy or sadness encroach, I don't even know if I have the right to be feeling them, as I'm not your proper girlfriend... just something that 'happened'...
It's draining being on the defensive all the time, and I have wanted to end this many times, but have a feeling it's not quite the right time yet...
I think I'm finding a balance now, where I can understand, and be patient, as you've made very clear you're not in this for the long-run.
Still hurts though.
I guess, as you so rightly said, it's a learning process for both of us, and for myself, I think, karma for what has been.
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Nice surprises
I was stunned last night - very pleasantly stunned, when my gf, upon hearing what a bad day I was having, turned up at my apartment at just past midnight, to comfort me. A lovely surprise, and completely unexpected - made me feel really touched and awed, as I don't think anyone has shown up just to comfort me in a very long time.
I think I was so surprised, as she has constantly warned me not to expect much from her at all, which I haven't, as I know she can only give so much with the emotional space she is in right now.
It meant a lot. I'm afraid to read anything else into it, as it is too soon for that. But in and of itself - I just enjoyed it for what it was.
Still taking things slowly of course, but am enjoying the journey more.
I think I was so surprised, as she has constantly warned me not to expect much from her at all, which I haven't, as I know she can only give so much with the emotional space she is in right now.
It meant a lot. I'm afraid to read anything else into it, as it is too soon for that. But in and of itself - I just enjoyed it for what it was.
Still taking things slowly of course, but am enjoying the journey more.
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Sigh
Am having a tearful (non gf related) day today. Have cried and sobbed for the first time in 10 months or so, as the day pans out in a series of weird negative occurrences...
Emotional rawness to this degree is not good.
Here's hoping I can write it out soon.
Now to put my mask back on, and go tackle the bank, who have seemed to mess up my account spectacularly today...
Here's hoping things look better soon, and the walk to the bank will do me some good...
Emotional rawness to this degree is not good.
Here's hoping I can write it out soon.
Now to put my mask back on, and go tackle the bank, who have seemed to mess up my account spectacularly today...
Here's hoping things look better soon, and the walk to the bank will do me some good...
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Eyes wide open
Over the last couple of years, as a late bloomer, I have slowly slotted into my newly embraced sexuality as a lesbian.
Now, in a lesbian relationship, I suddenly find I'm more in tune to lesbian oriented things than I ever was before. For example, lesbian movies or shows or books that I have seen or read in the past suddenly have a whole level of new meaning, now that I feel more in touch with myself. Reminds me of a favourite Will and Grace episode with Chloe Sevigne, where her and her lesbian real estate partner were described by Karen as "Thier powers are heightened because they don't sleep with men..." or someting like that.
Now, in a lesbian relationship, I suddenly find I'm more in tune to lesbian oriented things than I ever was before. For example, lesbian movies or shows or books that I have seen or read in the past suddenly have a whole level of new meaning, now that I feel more in touch with myself. Reminds me of a favourite Will and Grace episode with Chloe Sevigne, where her and her lesbian real estate partner were described by Karen as "Thier powers are heightened because they don't sleep with men..." or someting like that.
Thank-you Anon...
And in response to Anon, who made the much welcomed, wise and extremely helpful comment that I was hoping for... I will repeat my response here:
"Thank-you. You're absolutely right, and your advice sounds like it would work extremely well for me.
Would you believe I have been eyeing up a journal, and already have the fabulous pen at hand?
Exercising after journaling is a very sensible nugget of advice too - I've been trying to decide between the gym or yoga (unfortunately, health problems restrict how much I can run, if at all).
In all, thank-you. I did actually brave it and have that dramatic conversation, and it actually turned out quite well - we have both opened up more after we discussed both of our issues, and are now approaching things in a healthier way. I no longer feel the urge to overwhelm or push for intimacy, and she has taken 2 steps towards me instead of 10 steps back. I really would like to take things slowly, just to see where I'm going, and not worry about my feelings all the time. Something I somehow feel more able to do after we spoke and chilled out by the beach over the weekend...
It's nice... I know it's not forever, but I also know I'm enjoying myself now, with not so much self-imposed pressure and understandable back-off from her...
Here's hoping eh...?"
"Thank-you. You're absolutely right, and your advice sounds like it would work extremely well for me.
Would you believe I have been eyeing up a journal, and already have the fabulous pen at hand?
Exercising after journaling is a very sensible nugget of advice too - I've been trying to decide between the gym or yoga (unfortunately, health problems restrict how much I can run, if at all).
In all, thank-you. I did actually brave it and have that dramatic conversation, and it actually turned out quite well - we have both opened up more after we discussed both of our issues, and are now approaching things in a healthier way. I no longer feel the urge to overwhelm or push for intimacy, and she has taken 2 steps towards me instead of 10 steps back. I really would like to take things slowly, just to see where I'm going, and not worry about my feelings all the time. Something I somehow feel more able to do after we spoke and chilled out by the beach over the weekend...
It's nice... I know it's not forever, but I also know I'm enjoying myself now, with not so much self-imposed pressure and understandable back-off from her...
Here's hoping eh...?"
Friday, 13 July 2007
Thoughts...
I have just been reading a post on a forum about 'Taking things slowly', and realised how I really feel now...
For me at the moment, having a lack of intimacy is very hard to deal with. I don't mind taking things slowly, but there are times where I need that contact, and being kept at arms length can be quite difficult. I'm usually used to connecting with people at an emotional level quite early on, but this time around, things seem more intellectual and physical than anything else.
I think that's what's been troubling me really.
I keep prodding my emotional self to see how I feel with being kept at arm's length all the time, and catering to friends and social life without any time to connect, and to be honest, it's cutting me up inside.
I'm such an empathetic person, that working behind this many barriers seems to be damaging me inside more than I can bear at this point.
That's why I keep coming up with a blank, because her emotional barriers are so strong...
Can I hold out until she feels safe enough to let them down?
Or do I take it that because she doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to begin with, and I feel so out of sorts too, that maybe it's just not meant to be...?
Gawd, when did I ever get to be so needy?
For me at the moment, having a lack of intimacy is very hard to deal with. I don't mind taking things slowly, but there are times where I need that contact, and being kept at arms length can be quite difficult. I'm usually used to connecting with people at an emotional level quite early on, but this time around, things seem more intellectual and physical than anything else.
I think that's what's been troubling me really.
I keep prodding my emotional self to see how I feel with being kept at arm's length all the time, and catering to friends and social life without any time to connect, and to be honest, it's cutting me up inside.
I'm such an empathetic person, that working behind this many barriers seems to be damaging me inside more than I can bear at this point.
That's why I keep coming up with a blank, because her emotional barriers are so strong...
Can I hold out until she feels safe enough to let them down?
Or do I take it that because she doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to begin with, and I feel so out of sorts too, that maybe it's just not meant to be...?
Gawd, when did I ever get to be so needy?
Odd...
It's been an odd time on the relationship front for me of late.
First there were the feelings of jealousy, when my girlfriend so obviously was infatuated with my friend, and now, after my friend has gone, myself and my gf have had a talk, and decided to keep things more on a 'dating' basis than a 'relationship' front. She's had a lot of emotional scarring from a previous bad breakup, and has admitted to me that she is scared of becoming too intense with things between us.
I agreed to take things slowly, as I could see that she is hurting and emotionally fragile right now, and I do like her, but...
Something doesn't quite feel right... I can't put my finger on it, but whenever I ask myself how I feel about all of this, I come up with a blank.
This worries me, as I am used to knowing how I feel about people I am seeing, and everything seems so up in the air right now.
She invited me to a birthday dinner tonite, with her friends, and now has cancelled, since her friend has changed venues, and now says that she wants to spend time with one of her friends alone, and just have Saturday evening, and Sunday with me.
This has really upset me again, as I keep feeling that I'm being shoved to one side for her friends, family, work etc., while she races around doing things with them... It scares me, as I don't even feel that I know her that well, and it makes me upset because I feel as if I am being kept at arm's length all the time - she said to me on Sunday, when I suggested that we stop things, and just be friends, if she wasn't sure how she was feeling, that she didn't want to stop seeing me, because she said that she had never met anyone like me before, and that she was scared of giving up on us, when it might turn out to be wonderful in the end. I could understand, but it also made me feel a bit like an exotic treat that you are curious about, and admire from time to time when you're not busy, but otherwise got on with your life while it was left on the shelf.
Is that selfish of me to say that?
I don't know.
It is how I feel though.
I don't think I can cope with a relationship/dating like this. I don't think I do 'second best' very well...
There is also the guilt factor, where in the back of my mind, my mind says this is karma for what I put my ex through - all the suffering that he has had to endure due to me breaking up with him how I did, is now coming back to me in the form of a screwy relationship, and maybe I should just swallow it.
Sigh.
But should I?
I don't know...
She did explain re. tonite that she didn't want me to suffer from the emotional fall-out of her feeling PMS-y and vulnerable, but you know, I actually wouldn't have minded - isn't that what girlfriends do for each other?
I guess it's time for another intense chat over the weekend - see if we can get anywhere with this, and if I can sort out how I'm feeling...
I guess no-one ever said it was easy, huh?
First there were the feelings of jealousy, when my girlfriend so obviously was infatuated with my friend, and now, after my friend has gone, myself and my gf have had a talk, and decided to keep things more on a 'dating' basis than a 'relationship' front. She's had a lot of emotional scarring from a previous bad breakup, and has admitted to me that she is scared of becoming too intense with things between us.
I agreed to take things slowly, as I could see that she is hurting and emotionally fragile right now, and I do like her, but...
Something doesn't quite feel right... I can't put my finger on it, but whenever I ask myself how I feel about all of this, I come up with a blank.
This worries me, as I am used to knowing how I feel about people I am seeing, and everything seems so up in the air right now.
She invited me to a birthday dinner tonite, with her friends, and now has cancelled, since her friend has changed venues, and now says that she wants to spend time with one of her friends alone, and just have Saturday evening, and Sunday with me.
This has really upset me again, as I keep feeling that I'm being shoved to one side for her friends, family, work etc., while she races around doing things with them... It scares me, as I don't even feel that I know her that well, and it makes me upset because I feel as if I am being kept at arm's length all the time - she said to me on Sunday, when I suggested that we stop things, and just be friends, if she wasn't sure how she was feeling, that she didn't want to stop seeing me, because she said that she had never met anyone like me before, and that she was scared of giving up on us, when it might turn out to be wonderful in the end. I could understand, but it also made me feel a bit like an exotic treat that you are curious about, and admire from time to time when you're not busy, but otherwise got on with your life while it was left on the shelf.
Is that selfish of me to say that?
I don't know.
It is how I feel though.
I don't think I can cope with a relationship/dating like this. I don't think I do 'second best' very well...
There is also the guilt factor, where in the back of my mind, my mind says this is karma for what I put my ex through - all the suffering that he has had to endure due to me breaking up with him how I did, is now coming back to me in the form of a screwy relationship, and maybe I should just swallow it.
Sigh.
But should I?
I don't know...
She did explain re. tonite that she didn't want me to suffer from the emotional fall-out of her feeling PMS-y and vulnerable, but you know, I actually wouldn't have minded - isn't that what girlfriends do for each other?
I guess it's time for another intense chat over the weekend - see if we can get anywhere with this, and if I can sort out how I'm feeling...
I guess no-one ever said it was easy, huh?
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Sometimes...
I have been pretty ill all this week. My boss was diagnosed with adult whooping cough, and sadly, after spending most of last week in meetings with him, it seems I have caught it too...
Sigh.
I'm not usually too bothered about being ill, but the constant coughing, mixed in with my asthma, has meant I have been up most nights alternately choking and coughing, and then waking up in the morning with bruised ribs...
Not good.
I will have been to the doctors three times this week - first for a consult, then a blood test, and now tomorrow, will go to the asthma review clinic - here's hoping things will get a little better soon...
Amidst being sickly and working a lot, the one really wonderful highlight to my entire week was a message and then really lovely video dedication I received from one of my favourite Youtube music video artists Vc620. After reading my blog last Friday, where I really just poured my heart out over how sad I have been feeling of late, V put together one of the loveliest and most magical Nikki & Helen music videos that I have had the pleasure of viewing in a very long time, all with my favourite tender kiss between them towards the end of the video, and a sweet dedication in the final frames to cheer me up... Wow. I was both moved and awed, as it was almost like V had looked into my heart and mind, and seen that I really needed to know that out there, somewhere, was a couple like Nikki & Helen, who balanced each other just in the way that I needed to be balanced at that point...
Nikki in some ways mirrors me, in being someone who fiercely stands up for what she believes in, is good at reading people, but also holds a barrier around her heart to protect the sensitivity hidden inside... once she has opened Helen's eyes to her love, she finds that she needs Helen, someone with the same gentle strength and determination as Helen when she chips away at Nikki's self-imposed barriers to the fierce and warm and true love underneath...to make her believe that she is worth fighting for, that she has a hope of being free, that they have a hope of being together...
I really needed to know that... to know that the dark place I have been in for a while now, will not always be there... that someone cares... Thank-you V, for your wonderful gift:
Sigh.
I'm not usually too bothered about being ill, but the constant coughing, mixed in with my asthma, has meant I have been up most nights alternately choking and coughing, and then waking up in the morning with bruised ribs...
Not good.
I will have been to the doctors three times this week - first for a consult, then a blood test, and now tomorrow, will go to the asthma review clinic - here's hoping things will get a little better soon...
Amidst being sickly and working a lot, the one really wonderful highlight to my entire week was a message and then really lovely video dedication I received from one of my favourite Youtube music video artists Vc620. After reading my blog last Friday, where I really just poured my heart out over how sad I have been feeling of late, V put together one of the loveliest and most magical Nikki & Helen music videos that I have had the pleasure of viewing in a very long time, all with my favourite tender kiss between them towards the end of the video, and a sweet dedication in the final frames to cheer me up... Wow. I was both moved and awed, as it was almost like V had looked into my heart and mind, and seen that I really needed to know that out there, somewhere, was a couple like Nikki & Helen, who balanced each other just in the way that I needed to be balanced at that point...
Nikki in some ways mirrors me, in being someone who fiercely stands up for what she believes in, is good at reading people, but also holds a barrier around her heart to protect the sensitivity hidden inside... once she has opened Helen's eyes to her love, she finds that she needs Helen, someone with the same gentle strength and determination as Helen when she chips away at Nikki's self-imposed barriers to the fierce and warm and true love underneath...to make her believe that she is worth fighting for, that she has a hope of being free, that they have a hope of being together...
I really needed to know that... to know that the dark place I have been in for a while now, will not always be there... that someone cares... Thank-you V, for your wonderful gift:
Saturday, 26 May 2007
24 hours
Sometimes I really feel gobsmacked at the way things can turn themselves around for the better, when you least suspect they will, and so desperately need them to.
After a pretty crappy day, I had a lovely unexpected invite from a good friend to go out to a local gay bar, and must say that from that moment on, I have had one of the best chilled out 24 hours in a very long time.
Sometimes a good friend is invaluable for helping get you over the blues. 24 hours of dancing, resting, talking, geeking out and eating posh hamburgers with a good ice cream and coffee kick for desert is great therapy for the soul...
Am feeling so much better. Gives me faith that the universe is really listening when it's able too...
After a pretty crappy day, I had a lovely unexpected invite from a good friend to go out to a local gay bar, and must say that from that moment on, I have had one of the best chilled out 24 hours in a very long time.
Sometimes a good friend is invaluable for helping get you over the blues. 24 hours of dancing, resting, talking, geeking out and eating posh hamburgers with a good ice cream and coffee kick for desert is great therapy for the soul...
Am feeling so much better. Gives me faith that the universe is really listening when it's able too...
Friday, 25 May 2007
Feelings
I feel so unbelievably crap right now, it's taking every breath to concentrate on not bursting into tears.
I've held back thinking and feeling too seriously about just how much crap I am in for such a long time, that it now seems to be finally pushing away at the feebly supported walls I've built around my emotions.
I'm good at coping - that's what I do. Shit happens, and I take a step back and analyse it, figure out how to deal with it, and somehow pull through to the other side.
Nowadays though, with so much falling to pieces in terms of my break-up last September, rental worries, financial worries, and also coping with my evolving sexuality - things just seem to be looming over me, and I can't really pretend I can handle it anymore...
I need someone to talk to that can listen and somehow understand it in the context of my sexuality and the general ups and downs and worries of living life in the environment I am currently living it in.
It's great to have R at work, and we get each other to some extent, but the fact that I haven't come out to her or anyone else at work because of how confused I have been feeling, means that a lot of the time I don't feel comfortable sharing everything with her. I am also constantly worrying about how everyone's attitudes will change towards me when I come out - not sure if I can cope. At first I was, but at the moment, I really don't know.
I was thinking of going to the GB Depression Support Group, but unfortunately they are not meeting this weekend. Which leaves me at a loss really, as that would have been the one place I would have felt at ease about talking to someone about how awful I feel at the moment, with my sexuality issues thrown in...
I guess unless I really make myself go out this weekend, some tears will be shed, and a lot of soul-searching will be done too... I just really don't have the energy to deal with anything this weekend. I know that I will have to go flat hunting soon, to get myself out of the complete financial rut I am in right now, and I know that I will have to do some work on some websites too, and try and hold it together for my mother too, who is so very worried about me, and bless her, is trying so damned hard to be supportive throughout all of this. I really don't know what I would have done without her.
God, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it all...
Sigh.
I feel so crap.
Could really do with a hug.
I could really do with just sitting in a dark room and sobbing my heart out for a few hours.
I feel like Issy lying on the floor with her whole world falling apart post Denny, in Grey's Anatomy's season 3 premier on Living TV last night.
I know what I should logically do, and how to do it, but my coping mechanisms just want to cry, and cry and cry before they can do anything at all.
Kinda sucks.
Am gonna go for a walk.
---
An hour later, and I'm back from that walk. I spoke to my mum on the phone for a bit, and feel a little better. Not quite so teary-eyed (well not until I get home and relax a bit anyway). My mum let me know that it is okay to want to cry sometimes, and that you don't have to be strong all the time - a habit that I need to try and ease a bit (the trying to be strong all the time part). I didn't feel so helpless then... she's a wonderful woman - still my hero.
Everything hasn't miraculously gotten better, and I still feel like crap, and like I need counselling of some sort... the edges are a little less raw... which will get me through the rest of the working day without turning into a crying, messy wreck.. a good start...
Here's hoping things'll get better...
I've held back thinking and feeling too seriously about just how much crap I am in for such a long time, that it now seems to be finally pushing away at the feebly supported walls I've built around my emotions.
I'm good at coping - that's what I do. Shit happens, and I take a step back and analyse it, figure out how to deal with it, and somehow pull through to the other side.
Nowadays though, with so much falling to pieces in terms of my break-up last September, rental worries, financial worries, and also coping with my evolving sexuality - things just seem to be looming over me, and I can't really pretend I can handle it anymore...
I need someone to talk to that can listen and somehow understand it in the context of my sexuality and the general ups and downs and worries of living life in the environment I am currently living it in.
It's great to have R at work, and we get each other to some extent, but the fact that I haven't come out to her or anyone else at work because of how confused I have been feeling, means that a lot of the time I don't feel comfortable sharing everything with her. I am also constantly worrying about how everyone's attitudes will change towards me when I come out - not sure if I can cope. At first I was, but at the moment, I really don't know.
I was thinking of going to the GB Depression Support Group, but unfortunately they are not meeting this weekend. Which leaves me at a loss really, as that would have been the one place I would have felt at ease about talking to someone about how awful I feel at the moment, with my sexuality issues thrown in...
I guess unless I really make myself go out this weekend, some tears will be shed, and a lot of soul-searching will be done too... I just really don't have the energy to deal with anything this weekend. I know that I will have to go flat hunting soon, to get myself out of the complete financial rut I am in right now, and I know that I will have to do some work on some websites too, and try and hold it together for my mother too, who is so very worried about me, and bless her, is trying so damned hard to be supportive throughout all of this. I really don't know what I would have done without her.
God, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it all...
Sigh.
I feel so crap.
Could really do with a hug.
I could really do with just sitting in a dark room and sobbing my heart out for a few hours.
I feel like Issy lying on the floor with her whole world falling apart post Denny, in Grey's Anatomy's season 3 premier on Living TV last night.
I know what I should logically do, and how to do it, but my coping mechanisms just want to cry, and cry and cry before they can do anything at all.
Kinda sucks.
Am gonna go for a walk.
---
An hour later, and I'm back from that walk. I spoke to my mum on the phone for a bit, and feel a little better. Not quite so teary-eyed (well not until I get home and relax a bit anyway). My mum let me know that it is okay to want to cry sometimes, and that you don't have to be strong all the time - a habit that I need to try and ease a bit (the trying to be strong all the time part). I didn't feel so helpless then... she's a wonderful woman - still my hero.
Everything hasn't miraculously gotten better, and I still feel like crap, and like I need counselling of some sort... the edges are a little less raw... which will get me through the rest of the working day without turning into a crying, messy wreck.. a good start...
Here's hoping things'll get better...
Sunday, 20 May 2007
Thoughts...
I was thinking about my previous post yesterday, and of how whingey I sounded. I was also thinking about why the hell I'm so reluctant to make the first move with C. And deep down, I do know why.
It's because she is so very close to how my previous ex was, just with that little bit extra of the things I always wished I my ex had, but sadly didn't. She looks quite similar, same height, similar hair style, a sweet intelligence. And yet in a different way, she's got a lovely bit of adventure and imagination, willingness to learn new things and travel... She also has lived abroad for a while, owns her own place, and yet, in a similar way to my ex, has very long eyelashes and beautiful big brown eyes, and a very endearing way about her when she's nervous - she's very easy for me to read, and like my ex, I do just want to hold her and tell her it's gonna be okay.
But then. I don't.
And I find myself getting annoyed when she doesn't step forward and make decisions, hasn't made a subtle move on me, seems worried about a lot of little things that set off alarm bells in my head, so that I start worrying about being the main decision maker in a relationship that hasn't really even started properly... Something that I've done all my life with various people close to me, and at this stage...really don't want to have to slip into all over again... It's like this time round, I want the dynamics to change, I really don't want to be the babysitter anymore...
Yet, with C, warning bells about the above are going off all the time, and I know, deep down in my gut, that I really want a strong woman. Someone with a slight edge to her personality. Someone I don't feel the need to rescue and tell them it's gonna be alright, but someone who will look at me, the real me, and will want to take care of me. Someone to hold me, and share the strength in the relationship. Who will recognise my strengths at nurturing, but will have a good measure of strength of their own, and be able to lend me that when I need it... a bit like Luce in Imagine Me & You, when she tells Rachel that she wants her, but seeing the turmoil she is in, Luce hugs Rachel to her, and tells her it's going to be okay, and never to forget her... strength and tenderness, and an inherent understanding... strength and backbone, and wisdom, like Helen in Bad Girls... that whole Nikki + Helen relationship just shows it all for me. The dynamics, the balance, the strong characters, the stubbornness, the tenderness... Obviously, I wouldn't want to end up in prison, but the relationship itself speaks volumes to my heart, my soul...(see below)
So... I guess that's why on some level, I haven't made the first move with C - I keep figuring, my goodness, she's been an out lesbian for the last 14 years, and yet she's struggling to make the first move? I want someone who has that little extra confidence to pull me gently to one side, look me in the eye, tell me how she feels, and kiss me gently. Someone to court me, woo me, seduce me, actually phone me, leave me suggestive messages, and hold my hand... My god, I'm a hopeless romantic, and my head's probably way to far in the clouds, but hey, I see that going on a lot between women when I go out to gay venues, so... I don't reckon it's too much to ask...
And you know, I've realised after a while, that I really don't have a type in looks/style so to speak, just in strength of personality, so a strong butch, or a strong femme would be wonderful... It's the strength and the tenderness I'm looking for... someone who's not afraid to show how she feels...
Someone...
Yes...nobody said it was easy...
It's because she is so very close to how my previous ex was, just with that little bit extra of the things I always wished I my ex had, but sadly didn't. She looks quite similar, same height, similar hair style, a sweet intelligence. And yet in a different way, she's got a lovely bit of adventure and imagination, willingness to learn new things and travel... She also has lived abroad for a while, owns her own place, and yet, in a similar way to my ex, has very long eyelashes and beautiful big brown eyes, and a very endearing way about her when she's nervous - she's very easy for me to read, and like my ex, I do just want to hold her and tell her it's gonna be okay.
But then. I don't.
And I find myself getting annoyed when she doesn't step forward and make decisions, hasn't made a subtle move on me, seems worried about a lot of little things that set off alarm bells in my head, so that I start worrying about being the main decision maker in a relationship that hasn't really even started properly... Something that I've done all my life with various people close to me, and at this stage...really don't want to have to slip into all over again... It's like this time round, I want the dynamics to change, I really don't want to be the babysitter anymore...
Yet, with C, warning bells about the above are going off all the time, and I know, deep down in my gut, that I really want a strong woman. Someone with a slight edge to her personality. Someone I don't feel the need to rescue and tell them it's gonna be alright, but someone who will look at me, the real me, and will want to take care of me. Someone to hold me, and share the strength in the relationship. Who will recognise my strengths at nurturing, but will have a good measure of strength of their own, and be able to lend me that when I need it... a bit like Luce in Imagine Me & You, when she tells Rachel that she wants her, but seeing the turmoil she is in, Luce hugs Rachel to her, and tells her it's going to be okay, and never to forget her... strength and tenderness, and an inherent understanding... strength and backbone, and wisdom, like Helen in Bad Girls... that whole Nikki + Helen relationship just shows it all for me. The dynamics, the balance, the strong characters, the stubbornness, the tenderness... Obviously, I wouldn't want to end up in prison, but the relationship itself speaks volumes to my heart, my soul...(see below)
So... I guess that's why on some level, I haven't made the first move with C - I keep figuring, my goodness, she's been an out lesbian for the last 14 years, and yet she's struggling to make the first move? I want someone who has that little extra confidence to pull me gently to one side, look me in the eye, tell me how she feels, and kiss me gently. Someone to court me, woo me, seduce me, actually phone me, leave me suggestive messages, and hold my hand... My god, I'm a hopeless romantic, and my head's probably way to far in the clouds, but hey, I see that going on a lot between women when I go out to gay venues, so... I don't reckon it's too much to ask...
And you know, I've realised after a while, that I really don't have a type in looks/style so to speak, just in strength of personality, so a strong butch, or a strong femme would be wonderful... It's the strength and the tenderness I'm looking for... someone who's not afraid to show how she feels...
Someone...
Yes...nobody said it was easy...
Saturday, 19 May 2007
Not quite yet...
I was so down on Monday... so very down, that I almost burst into tears when my lovely colleague sent me a bear-hug emoticon over our work Skype network. Her and I are both going through a hard time, and have been trying to cheer each other up, which has been good for both of us, I think...
She is very straight, so my thinking doesn't even enter that area, but at the same time, it's so nice for us to have this good friendship, even when I'm feeling so crap and vulnerable...we both get how that feels...which is kinda of cool.
Anyway, I went and hid in the library for a while during my lunchtime, and wrote a letter to God... I wrote all of my feelings out, and then wrote a letter to God, asking him for a few things...and apologising for feeling so crappy and weak... I have been told occasionally, that if you put what you want in life, out into the ether, and vocalise it..it will eventually be picked up by the universe, and in some way or other, the universe will get it back to you... So who knows...
She is very straight, so my thinking doesn't even enter that area, but at the same time, it's so nice for us to have this good friendship, even when I'm feeling so crap and vulnerable...we both get how that feels...which is kinda of cool.
Anyway, I went and hid in the library for a while during my lunchtime, and wrote a letter to God... I wrote all of my feelings out, and then wrote a letter to God, asking him for a few things...and apologising for feeling so crappy and weak... I have been told occasionally, that if you put what you want in life, out into the ether, and vocalise it..it will eventually be picked up by the universe, and in some way or other, the universe will get it back to you... So who knows...
Sunday, 6 May 2007
Days and dreams...
I have been having the loveliest, most languid dreams of late....where more often than not, I am being gently, but thoroughly courted and then slowly and deliberately kissed by a warm, funny, intelligent and soft woman...
I'm not sure where this is all coming from...well, apart from a deep need I have to find that special someone I guess... It certainly has crept up on me though, as I had all but given up on finding her...after the many different false starts and stops I have had of late...
Perhaps it is my subconsciousness's way of diverting my mind away from my money worries at the moment, where after the huge rent I pay, and then all the bills, I'm pretty much surviving on a wing and a prayer lately... so much, that I am considering selling or storing most of my furniture and down-sizing from a 1 bed flat, to a smaller studio apartment to see if I can at least live a little without worrying every moment that I only have £150 to last me the rest of the month after all the bills have been paid...
There aren't that many good studio flats on the market as yet, but from looking last year, they seem to come out in force around July-August time, so I will keep looking, and give my notice to the landlord as soon as I find one...
In the meanwhile, I'm contemplating putting together my own Zen-Cart template website and making some money that way (in addition to selling stuff on eBay and Amazon of course)... I've got the next few days off, and have downloaded some templates to interrogate and convert into my own downloadable designs... so who knows... I might have some income coming in soon, if I get my finger out seriously enough...
Anyway, a wonderful distraction of late has been some wonderful music videos made by a very talented Youtube artist called 'Vc620'. She has a wonderful knack for putting together the best Nikki/Helen (Bad Girls) music videos I've ever seen. Her latest, with Sarah McLachlan's 'Push' as a soundtrack, is just beautiful... The way that Helen looks at Nikki throughout this video, and the very soft and tender kiss towards the end of the music video is very much how my dreams have been of late... Ahhhh...to have a woman look at me that way, with such warm and avid affection in her eyes, and to be kissed so softly and tenderly... no wonder my dreams are so wonderfully painted that way of late... ;-)
I'm not sure where this is all coming from...well, apart from a deep need I have to find that special someone I guess... It certainly has crept up on me though, as I had all but given up on finding her...after the many different false starts and stops I have had of late...
Perhaps it is my subconsciousness's way of diverting my mind away from my money worries at the moment, where after the huge rent I pay, and then all the bills, I'm pretty much surviving on a wing and a prayer lately... so much, that I am considering selling or storing most of my furniture and down-sizing from a 1 bed flat, to a smaller studio apartment to see if I can at least live a little without worrying every moment that I only have £150 to last me the rest of the month after all the bills have been paid...
There aren't that many good studio flats on the market as yet, but from looking last year, they seem to come out in force around July-August time, so I will keep looking, and give my notice to the landlord as soon as I find one...
In the meanwhile, I'm contemplating putting together my own Zen-Cart template website and making some money that way (in addition to selling stuff on eBay and Amazon of course)... I've got the next few days off, and have downloaded some templates to interrogate and convert into my own downloadable designs... so who knows... I might have some income coming in soon, if I get my finger out seriously enough...
Anyway, a wonderful distraction of late has been some wonderful music videos made by a very talented Youtube artist called 'Vc620'. She has a wonderful knack for putting together the best Nikki/Helen (Bad Girls) music videos I've ever seen. Her latest, with Sarah McLachlan's 'Push' as a soundtrack, is just beautiful... The way that Helen looks at Nikki throughout this video, and the very soft and tender kiss towards the end of the music video is very much how my dreams have been of late... Ahhhh...to have a woman look at me that way, with such warm and avid affection in her eyes, and to be kissed so softly and tenderly... no wonder my dreams are so wonderfully painted that way of late... ;-)
Monday, 30 April 2007
Odd feelings...
It's strange, at this time of the month (PMT mode), I either feel really irritable, or really randy - not fun when it happens at inopportune moments I can tell you...
Having just come out of two days of utter clumsiness, from bouncing into lamp posts as I veer sharply round a corner, to dropping coffee on my shoes, and generally being a complete klutz, I am now in full-on strong vibe and aura mode...
It's strange, throughout most of my gay existence, I have veered between femme and soft butch. Where, I have enjoyed feminine things, such as lipstick, pretty blouses etc., but have always had a tomboyish air about me, and on reflex, always have opened doors for ladies, stepped aside to let them pass, done all the DIY in the house, offered to carry shopping and buggies and all manner of things for other women... not quite knowing why, but just knowing that it 'felt right'...
I dunno, I never actually put a label on it, but now I look back on it, I think that was just the inherent butchness in me pushing its way to the surface...
Now, for the first time in a very, very long while (perhaps in part to me consciously meeting up with more gay people, and getting more involved with gay-related things), at this time of the month, with my hormones going absolutely crazy, the most over-powering and strongest feeling I feel is a strong,female, and very butch aura about me. Can't explain it, but I really just want to find a strong sexy, sensitive woman to lavish alot of attention on, treat like a lady, enjoy her curves, and make hot passionate love to (so I guess the horny factor is still there [grin])...
Can't shake this feeling, which is I guess a good thing, as it seems to me that I am growing into myself more every day... It's sad that I don't have a girlfriend at the moment though, to lavish all of that attention on...
Oh well, in time I guess...
Having just come out of two days of utter clumsiness, from bouncing into lamp posts as I veer sharply round a corner, to dropping coffee on my shoes, and generally being a complete klutz, I am now in full-on strong vibe and aura mode...
It's strange, throughout most of my gay existence, I have veered between femme and soft butch. Where, I have enjoyed feminine things, such as lipstick, pretty blouses etc., but have always had a tomboyish air about me, and on reflex, always have opened doors for ladies, stepped aside to let them pass, done all the DIY in the house, offered to carry shopping and buggies and all manner of things for other women... not quite knowing why, but just knowing that it 'felt right'...
I dunno, I never actually put a label on it, but now I look back on it, I think that was just the inherent butchness in me pushing its way to the surface...
Now, for the first time in a very, very long while (perhaps in part to me consciously meeting up with more gay people, and getting more involved with gay-related things), at this time of the month, with my hormones going absolutely crazy, the most over-powering and strongest feeling I feel is a strong,female, and very butch aura about me. Can't explain it, but I really just want to find a strong sexy, sensitive woman to lavish alot of attention on, treat like a lady, enjoy her curves, and make hot passionate love to (so I guess the horny factor is still there [grin])...
Can't shake this feeling, which is I guess a good thing, as it seems to me that I am growing into myself more every day... It's sad that I don't have a girlfriend at the moment though, to lavish all of that attention on...
Oh well, in time I guess...
Sunday, 15 April 2007
My very first Inappropriate Youtube video
Alas, my first venture into making Youtube videos was taken down after 1 day, 744 views, and 1 honour for one of the most viewed videos of the day, as being inappropriate material.
I'm not too surprised, as it was the last and very hot lesbian love scene between Shane and Paige in the L Word's season 4... and was pretty risque.... (I know, I've been a bad Lezzer ::insert slapped wrists and guilty wicked grin here::)
I was quite enamoured as to just how hot that last scene between them was, and also quite annoyed at all the 1950s clips that broke it up. I wanted to watch a full love scene damn it, and not have my libido screech to a halt every time a family breakfast scene popped into view mid passionate kiss between Shane and Paige... So... I used my Pinnacle Studio software to produce a somewhat unpolished version of this love scene, with the amazing Me'Shell Ndegéocello's 'Beautiful' as the soundtrack...
I must say, it certainly made me warm editing all those scenes....probably why Youtube pulled it really... but... :-)
Anyway, here is the link (15MB WMV file), for those that should come across this blog... I might be asked to take it down, so...
http://www.jay-lily.com/san/lword-shane-paige.wmv
Enjoy.
I'm not too surprised, as it was the last and very hot lesbian love scene between Shane and Paige in the L Word's season 4... and was pretty risque.... (I know, I've been a bad Lezzer ::insert slapped wrists and guilty wicked grin here::)
I was quite enamoured as to just how hot that last scene between them was, and also quite annoyed at all the 1950s clips that broke it up. I wanted to watch a full love scene damn it, and not have my libido screech to a halt every time a family breakfast scene popped into view mid passionate kiss between Shane and Paige... So... I used my Pinnacle Studio software to produce a somewhat unpolished version of this love scene, with the amazing Me'Shell Ndegéocello's 'Beautiful' as the soundtrack...
I must say, it certainly made me warm editing all those scenes....probably why Youtube pulled it really... but... :-)
Anyway, here is the link (15MB WMV file), for those that should come across this blog... I might be asked to take it down, so...
http://www.jay-lily.com/san/lword-shane-paige.wmv
Enjoy.
Wednesday, 14 March 2007
...!
I'm such an annoying shit.
A rather lovely woman in my meditation class asked me out for a drink at a local gay bar last night, and I panicked and declined, making a swift exit.
Of course, minutes later I wish that I'd accepted, despite me feeling exhausted, and having difficulty understanding her very strong accent - I think we might have had fun.
Shakes head.
Damn, I'm such an idiot sometimes.
Meanwhile, I'm hanging on a thread again, waiting for a response from that rather irritating woman I mentioned I met at an exhibition club some months ago, who, as it happens, has asked me to go to an arts fair in Battersea this Saturday. But, after I replied with an affirmative over a week ago - I have heard nothing from her since.
Now, I'm not clingy by nature, but I do like a bit of communication, or even some friendly banter. Yet consistently now, she has made me feel like a discarded shoe, or over anxious woman who is just being dangled and swatted at by a curious but disinterested and prowling cat.
And this is coming from someone who loves cats.
It's almost like she really can't be bothered to pass the time of day with me, but is forcing herself to, to be polite. If you ask me out to something - either you want to go, and can be bothered to be at least civil. Or not.
I really could do without this shit.
My Canadian friend is so much nicer, and I don't even speak to her that often - she makes me feel like she enjoys my company, however briefly, which, I guess is what being friends is all about really.
It's infuriating, but I'm going to hang in there and just not email until Saturday morning, and only then send an email asking if she's still up for this thing, or if she can't be bothered any more. I really hate people who jerk me around - either you want to be friends or not. For gawd's sake don't leave me hanging. Have some common courtesy, even if it is just to say hello.
Actually, I am tempted to just go along anyway, even if I don't get a response. Why put myself through hell for someone who clearly is not interested and seems to thrive on playing games/is an incredibly lazy communicator.
I'll be going out on Saturday night with my Canadian buddy (purely platonic as for some insane reason, I just don't fancy her - as gorgeous as she is) - so you never know, I might meet someone so much better for me...
Deep breath.
Eyes chocolate.
Thinks about having apple instead...
Back to work....
A rather lovely woman in my meditation class asked me out for a drink at a local gay bar last night, and I panicked and declined, making a swift exit.
Of course, minutes later I wish that I'd accepted, despite me feeling exhausted, and having difficulty understanding her very strong accent - I think we might have had fun.
Shakes head.
Damn, I'm such an idiot sometimes.
Meanwhile, I'm hanging on a thread again, waiting for a response from that rather irritating woman I mentioned I met at an exhibition club some months ago, who, as it happens, has asked me to go to an arts fair in Battersea this Saturday. But, after I replied with an affirmative over a week ago - I have heard nothing from her since.
Now, I'm not clingy by nature, but I do like a bit of communication, or even some friendly banter. Yet consistently now, she has made me feel like a discarded shoe, or over anxious woman who is just being dangled and swatted at by a curious but disinterested and prowling cat.
And this is coming from someone who loves cats.
It's almost like she really can't be bothered to pass the time of day with me, but is forcing herself to, to be polite. If you ask me out to something - either you want to go, and can be bothered to be at least civil. Or not.
I really could do without this shit.
My Canadian friend is so much nicer, and I don't even speak to her that often - she makes me feel like she enjoys my company, however briefly, which, I guess is what being friends is all about really.
It's infuriating, but I'm going to hang in there and just not email until Saturday morning, and only then send an email asking if she's still up for this thing, or if she can't be bothered any more. I really hate people who jerk me around - either you want to be friends or not. For gawd's sake don't leave me hanging. Have some common courtesy, even if it is just to say hello.
Actually, I am tempted to just go along anyway, even if I don't get a response. Why put myself through hell for someone who clearly is not interested and seems to thrive on playing games/is an incredibly lazy communicator.
I'll be going out on Saturday night with my Canadian buddy (purely platonic as for some insane reason, I just don't fancy her - as gorgeous as she is) - so you never know, I might meet someone so much better for me...
Deep breath.
Eyes chocolate.
Thinks about having apple instead...
Back to work....
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
Tired...Forgetful...
I really must be under the weather... Woke up this morning feeling really drained again, though thankfully not as achy as I have these pasty 10 days. I wouldn't mind if it was achy from having wild, hard, passionate sex with the sexy woman of my dreams, but alas, it's from a pesky flu-like virus I've been under for what seems ages now...
And then, this lunch time, convinced that I had had my lunch, I was wondering around Russel Square doing various errands, and buying my Mum's Mother's Day card and pressie, all the while wandering why I felt strangely empty if I'd already eaten... Only to find as I routed around in my bag for money to buy fruit in Waitrose, that my memory of having eaten was from yesterday! My bloomin' sandwiches were sat there snugly in my bag...! No wonder I was feeling empty...! (shakes head)
I really need to get my head out of the clouds, and pronto, otherwise I'll start making serious errors, which may turn out to be expensive...
I had to laugh though, after buying and watching the gawd awful lesbian "Do I Love You?" DVD from Foyles on Saturday, I immediately put it up on Amazon to sell, an lo and behold, I very thankfully sold it this afternoon...to a lesbian who lives about 10 minutes away from me in what they call the Lesbian Mecca of London... There really are only 3 degrees of separation in the lesbian world... ;-)
Back to work... and then to my meditation class tonight...(hope I don't fall asleep)...
And then, this lunch time, convinced that I had had my lunch, I was wondering around Russel Square doing various errands, and buying my Mum's Mother's Day card and pressie, all the while wandering why I felt strangely empty if I'd already eaten... Only to find as I routed around in my bag for money to buy fruit in Waitrose, that my memory of having eaten was from yesterday! My bloomin' sandwiches were sat there snugly in my bag...! No wonder I was feeling empty...! (shakes head)
I really need to get my head out of the clouds, and pronto, otherwise I'll start making serious errors, which may turn out to be expensive...
I had to laugh though, after buying and watching the gawd awful lesbian "Do I Love You?" DVD from Foyles on Saturday, I immediately put it up on Amazon to sell, an lo and behold, I very thankfully sold it this afternoon...to a lesbian who lives about 10 minutes away from me in what they call the Lesbian Mecca of London... There really are only 3 degrees of separation in the lesbian world... ;-)
Back to work... and then to my meditation class tonight...(hope I don't fall asleep)...
Sunday, 11 March 2007
Clubbing
Over the past couple of months, my experiences of going out on the Lesbian scene, and specifically to clubs in London, have brought home even more emphatically that clubbing definitely isn't for me.
Sitting here in my PJs at 4.42pm in the afternoon, bleary eyed and hung over, with only a couple of good memories of my night out last night, where at one point, I sat blissfully by myself away from the dance floor and at a table just off the bar, being one of them.
I met up with my Canadian friend, who confuses me and makes me smile, because she is so gorgeous, funny intelligent, easy to talk to and so my type, and yet I'm just not attracted to her - I kind of prod myself in wonder every so often, but end up feeling pleased that I have such a cool friend, rather than agonise over the non-attraction.
We both deliberately dressed down last night - it wasn't pre-arranged, but we both surprised each other by turning up with no make-up and looking marginally casual and scruffy. We grinned and proceeded to the Lesbian bar, hidden in the City, under an old bridge, and in the heart of the Money district.
I wanted to cheer with delight, as we asked the bouncer if we were at the right place, and he looked us both over and said with a straight guy's smug and derisive grin and shake of his head "Oh yes, you're at the right place." It was like, we both looked so dykey, a Lesbian bar was the only place we could possibly be going to! I know I should have been offended, but I was so pleased! It was like I had earned my first Dykey badge of honour!
The bit of lipstick I wear, with my hair pulled back to work everyday means that on more than one occasion, I am leered at by straight guys, but not often enough by lesbians. At times, I feel I don't even exist as a 'proper' lesbian in the gay world, even when I have been out to clubs with friends before...
But this time, I must have had the full on 'lesbian-vibe' thing going on. And again, when walking by myself, back to catch the night bus home outside of the station. A very drunk middle class white guy came rolling up to me, asking if I had a friend (obviously I wasn't pretty enough for his lascivious tastes, but I certainly didn't mind), and then he looked at me a bit more closely, and said "Or should I be asking...do you have a girlfriend I can chat to?" and laughed. Now again, I should've been offended, but gave him a good natured grin instead, because lo and behold, even without my Canadian friend, I was looking dykey, and to a straight white guy! I was so proud!
I know, I know... this all sounds very lame, but gawd, it felt liberating. :D
Anyway, back to the clubbing thing. I dunno, even when I was back in high school, I would get really bored when I went out clubbing. Don't get me wrong, I can dance with the best of them, but somehow, dancing for hours and drinking just doesn't really do it for me. I get bored incredibly quickly, and would rather be out to dinner with a bunch of friends, drinking a few bottles of wine, and having a good natured chat and laugh discussing all the lesbian dramas going on in everyone's lives.
My Canadian friend is great company though, and I did enjoy fielding the two interested girls she had chasing her. She is gorgeous, and a lot braver than me. I felt like a good natured sister, and actually quite proud of her in a non-patronising way. I'd love to keep her on as a friend, even though she will be going home soon - we'll have to meet up in Vancouver or New Foundland and go out to a few places there for old time's sake.
Am now back home, and getting ready to have a lovely warm bath and watch Shipwrecked, and then Lost & Delirious while I do my hair. I've always wanted to see Piper Perabo in a stronger role than she was in, in Imagine Me & You, and since becoming obssessed with the gorgeous story (and of course Lena Headey) in Imagine Me & You, I'm interested to see Piper in a less girly role. I've been assured by friends that she is almost unrecognisable in a very good way - so I'm looking forward to it.
Then it's back to putting up some of my old techie stuff on eBay, to make up for the £100 I spent on Saturday on books, DVDs, and clubbing. I so need the extra cash, especially in the coming months, with the price of rent for this new place being so high, and me definitely wanting to travel to the US this summer. I'd better look up the dates for Easter too, so I can book some quality time off, and get a few of my business ideas in action...
Busy, busy.
;-)
Sitting here in my PJs at 4.42pm in the afternoon, bleary eyed and hung over, with only a couple of good memories of my night out last night, where at one point, I sat blissfully by myself away from the dance floor and at a table just off the bar, being one of them.
I met up with my Canadian friend, who confuses me and makes me smile, because she is so gorgeous, funny intelligent, easy to talk to and so my type, and yet I'm just not attracted to her - I kind of prod myself in wonder every so often, but end up feeling pleased that I have such a cool friend, rather than agonise over the non-attraction.
We both deliberately dressed down last night - it wasn't pre-arranged, but we both surprised each other by turning up with no make-up and looking marginally casual and scruffy. We grinned and proceeded to the Lesbian bar, hidden in the City, under an old bridge, and in the heart of the Money district.
I wanted to cheer with delight, as we asked the bouncer if we were at the right place, and he looked us both over and said with a straight guy's smug and derisive grin and shake of his head "Oh yes, you're at the right place." It was like, we both looked so dykey, a Lesbian bar was the only place we could possibly be going to! I know I should have been offended, but I was so pleased! It was like I had earned my first Dykey badge of honour!
The bit of lipstick I wear, with my hair pulled back to work everyday means that on more than one occasion, I am leered at by straight guys, but not often enough by lesbians. At times, I feel I don't even exist as a 'proper' lesbian in the gay world, even when I have been out to clubs with friends before...
But this time, I must have had the full on 'lesbian-vibe' thing going on. And again, when walking by myself, back to catch the night bus home outside of the station. A very drunk middle class white guy came rolling up to me, asking if I had a friend (obviously I wasn't pretty enough for his lascivious tastes, but I certainly didn't mind), and then he looked at me a bit more closely, and said "Or should I be asking...do you have a girlfriend I can chat to?" and laughed. Now again, I should've been offended, but gave him a good natured grin instead, because lo and behold, even without my Canadian friend, I was looking dykey, and to a straight white guy! I was so proud!
I know, I know... this all sounds very lame, but gawd, it felt liberating. :D
Anyway, back to the clubbing thing. I dunno, even when I was back in high school, I would get really bored when I went out clubbing. Don't get me wrong, I can dance with the best of them, but somehow, dancing for hours and drinking just doesn't really do it for me. I get bored incredibly quickly, and would rather be out to dinner with a bunch of friends, drinking a few bottles of wine, and having a good natured chat and laugh discussing all the lesbian dramas going on in everyone's lives.
My Canadian friend is great company though, and I did enjoy fielding the two interested girls she had chasing her. She is gorgeous, and a lot braver than me. I felt like a good natured sister, and actually quite proud of her in a non-patronising way. I'd love to keep her on as a friend, even though she will be going home soon - we'll have to meet up in Vancouver or New Foundland and go out to a few places there for old time's sake.
Am now back home, and getting ready to have a lovely warm bath and watch Shipwrecked, and then Lost & Delirious while I do my hair. I've always wanted to see Piper Perabo in a stronger role than she was in, in Imagine Me & You, and since becoming obssessed with the gorgeous story (and of course Lena Headey) in Imagine Me & You, I'm interested to see Piper in a less girly role. I've been assured by friends that she is almost unrecognisable in a very good way - so I'm looking forward to it.
Then it's back to putting up some of my old techie stuff on eBay, to make up for the £100 I spent on Saturday on books, DVDs, and clubbing. I so need the extra cash, especially in the coming months, with the price of rent for this new place being so high, and me definitely wanting to travel to the US this summer. I'd better look up the dates for Easter too, so I can book some quality time off, and get a few of my business ideas in action...
Busy, busy.
;-)
An interesting result...
Something my friends hae told me over the years... Good to know at least this quiz thinks so too...
What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?
What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?
| Your EQ is 140 |
 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. |
Monday, 5 March 2007
Slow motion...
Okay, some potentially mushy stuff...
While waiting (im)patiently for episode 9 of the L Word, I was watching a particularly sweet music video on Youtube this arvo, where the whole thing was shot in slow motion, showing the best parts of one of my fave movies last year...
It got me thinking about how I remember some of the best moments of my life, or little things that are important to me... do our memories play in slow motion when we remember stuff that feels special to us? I guess that's probably where the whole slow motion thing in films comes from, huh?
Treasured memories, such as a kiss, or a touch, or a special moment with loved family or friends, or just moments that have had a special impact on my life, I've noticed I replay a few times in my mind... a bit like running one's hand over warm, soft velvet, very slowly, savouring the texture, appreciating the moment...
Here is the video...
While waiting (im)patiently for episode 9 of the L Word, I was watching a particularly sweet music video on Youtube this arvo, where the whole thing was shot in slow motion, showing the best parts of one of my fave movies last year...
It got me thinking about how I remember some of the best moments of my life, or little things that are important to me... do our memories play in slow motion when we remember stuff that feels special to us? I guess that's probably where the whole slow motion thing in films comes from, huh?
Treasured memories, such as a kiss, or a touch, or a special moment with loved family or friends, or just moments that have had a special impact on my life, I've noticed I replay a few times in my mind... a bit like running one's hand over warm, soft velvet, very slowly, savouring the texture, appreciating the moment...
Here is the video...
Sunday, 4 March 2007
Building...
Am doing the dykey thing, and have my power tools, screws and wood out, and am putting a canvas covered shelf together so I can stash all my junk on it, and pretend to be tidy (much like Monica's hidden cupboard in Friends ;-])
Should be done soon, and then I can rest and think about dinner... Hmmm.. will have to do some food shopping soon...
Should be done soon, and then I can rest and think about dinner... Hmmm.. will have to do some food shopping soon...
Sunday, 25 February 2007
Realisations...
I'm going to stop posting soon, as I really need to start putting that shelving together/put some more washing in the washer dryer/wash and do my hair/have a bath - before it gets too late.
But...here's another realisation I had the other night...after going to quite a few gay bars and events of late, I suddenly came to the realisation, that after years of agonising, I seem to have slipped into the Lesbian scene really easily... it just feels natural, you know? Like I have been here all along. Like these are my people. I really should be more freaked out by it all, but standing in a bar packed full of Lesbians who were all dancing, kissing, chatting, and having a good time... I never once felt "Oh my god, I'm surrounded by Lesbians!". I just felt like I was surrounded by my people. It just felt so natural.
It just feels like coming home.
Hence my dream last night.
Inner acceptance.
It feels...
Good.
I am at peace.
But...here's another realisation I had the other night...after going to quite a few gay bars and events of late, I suddenly came to the realisation, that after years of agonising, I seem to have slipped into the Lesbian scene really easily... it just feels natural, you know? Like I have been here all along. Like these are my people. I really should be more freaked out by it all, but standing in a bar packed full of Lesbians who were all dancing, kissing, chatting, and having a good time... I never once felt "Oh my god, I'm surrounded by Lesbians!". I just felt like I was surrounded by my people. It just felt so natural.
It just feels like coming home.
Hence my dream last night.
Inner acceptance.
It feels...
Good.
I am at peace.
My subconscious
I had a strange, but comforting dream last night...
I was platonically lying in bed and talking with 3 people. The person on my right was making questioning remarks about gay people, and I said "Oh, I dunno, I don't see being a Lesbian as being so bad...maybe you shouldn't judge...?".
When that person had left, the other person gave me a soft, loose hug, and looked at me questioningly, and maintaining constant, searching eye contact, she said "...You know what you said before..? About it not being so bad for someone to be a Lesbian...? Can I ask? Are you a Lesbian...?".
Now I have never been asked that directly before, either in real life, or in a dream, but I held her gaze, and said, feeling strangely at peace with myself, "Yes, I am a Lesbian".
The dream paused for a moment, much like those instances in a movie, where everything starts to move in slow motion, and time just floats along at a slower pace for a few heartbeats. Still holding my gaze, the other woman smiled, and said, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that".
---
Now, when I woke up, I strangely remembered that dream (I don't usually), and realised, that at last, at very long last, after years of agonising, it looks like my sub conscious has accepted that I am a true, full blown, no turning back, and completely happy with myself, Lesbian.
The last moments of my dream, where the other woman smiles after I affirm that I am a true Lesbian and says, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that". Is much like my true self affirming and positively accepting who I am.
Wow. Weird, but I am so pleased. Happy. Reassured.
This would be great fodder for therapy, if I ever was in therapy.
It's nice to know that my inner self accepts me at last.
I was platonically lying in bed and talking with 3 people. The person on my right was making questioning remarks about gay people, and I said "Oh, I dunno, I don't see being a Lesbian as being so bad...maybe you shouldn't judge...?".
When that person had left, the other person gave me a soft, loose hug, and looked at me questioningly, and maintaining constant, searching eye contact, she said "...You know what you said before..? About it not being so bad for someone to be a Lesbian...? Can I ask? Are you a Lesbian...?".
Now I have never been asked that directly before, either in real life, or in a dream, but I held her gaze, and said, feeling strangely at peace with myself, "Yes, I am a Lesbian".
The dream paused for a moment, much like those instances in a movie, where everything starts to move in slow motion, and time just floats along at a slower pace for a few heartbeats. Still holding my gaze, the other woman smiled, and said, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that".
---
Now, when I woke up, I strangely remembered that dream (I don't usually), and realised, that at last, at very long last, after years of agonising, it looks like my sub conscious has accepted that I am a true, full blown, no turning back, and completely happy with myself, Lesbian.
The last moments of my dream, where the other woman smiles after I affirm that I am a true Lesbian and says, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that". Is much like my true self affirming and positively accepting who I am.
Wow. Weird, but I am so pleased. Happy. Reassured.
This would be great fodder for therapy, if I ever was in therapy.
It's nice to know that my inner self accepts me at last.
Noisy computers...
It's weird...after only having access to my supremely quiet Toshiba laptop over this last month, both at work (when my old work laptop clonked out), and at home, while my main desktop PC was all packed up during the move... I was really surprised when I turned on my old desktop PC earlier last week, to find that it was so incredibly noisy... to the point that I was relieved when I finally switched it off!
Now I've always had a bug bear about noisy PCs, more so, when I got my new Toshiba Satellite Pro laptop (which is almost or just as powerful as my desktop), I was blown away at just how smooth and easy it was to use...not to mention how quiet. It even played Sims 2 Pets without blinking an eye, and seemed to connect effortlessly to my wireless network - so I've been extremely happy with it.
Now, after getting over my initial shock of just how noisy my old PC is, I am shockingly considering just doing a final backup of all the important files etc. I need from my old PC, and then connecting up my laptop to my gorgeous NEC monitor, so that I can get on and do some web designing etc. for my next project (and also have the luxury of unhooking and taking the laptop to my bedroom, or on the sofa when I'm in lazy mode...).
So weird to be making so many new changes to what had become such a routine way of living over the past decade...
Scary and liberating I think...
Now I've always had a bug bear about noisy PCs, more so, when I got my new Toshiba Satellite Pro laptop (which is almost or just as powerful as my desktop), I was blown away at just how smooth and easy it was to use...not to mention how quiet. It even played Sims 2 Pets without blinking an eye, and seemed to connect effortlessly to my wireless network - so I've been extremely happy with it.
Now, after getting over my initial shock of just how noisy my old PC is, I am shockingly considering just doing a final backup of all the important files etc. I need from my old PC, and then connecting up my laptop to my gorgeous NEC monitor, so that I can get on and do some web designing etc. for my next project (and also have the luxury of unhooking and taking the laptop to my bedroom, or on the sofa when I'm in lazy mode...).
So weird to be making so many new changes to what had become such a routine way of living over the past decade...
Scary and liberating I think...
Telewest was great - Virgin Media Sucks
After almost a month of trying to get my old Telewest account moved 100 yards down the road to my new flat, I have finally given up.
After going 3 weeks without a phone/internet connection (and obviously no cable TV), I was forced to get BT to install BT Broadband, which they were stars about, and did amazingly quickly. Now, after having virtually no response from Virgin Media, and being short on cash, I've decided to stuff it, and ring up and cancel my subscription with them, as they have been so incredibly crap at sorting things out for me, in what should have been such an easy change.
Instead, I am seriously considering getting a recordable Freeview box, and just downloading any extra stuff that I want to watch (like Heroes, Grey's Anatomy and Smallville), off of Bit Torrent and Youtube. It'll save me £80 - 91 a month, and that's money I seriously need right now...
Now just to find a decent dual tuner recordable freeview box that has a decent epg that will let me record whole series of things at the click of a button, and possible download those recordings onto my laptop so that I can make some music videos... I'll be ordering it on LX Direct though, as I can't afford to buy it outright at this stage...
Hmmm...wonder what I'll choose... Topfield comes to mind, but it's not on LX Direct, thus not affordable... Of to do some research...
After going 3 weeks without a phone/internet connection (and obviously no cable TV), I was forced to get BT to install BT Broadband, which they were stars about, and did amazingly quickly. Now, after having virtually no response from Virgin Media, and being short on cash, I've decided to stuff it, and ring up and cancel my subscription with them, as they have been so incredibly crap at sorting things out for me, in what should have been such an easy change.
Instead, I am seriously considering getting a recordable Freeview box, and just downloading any extra stuff that I want to watch (like Heroes, Grey's Anatomy and Smallville), off of Bit Torrent and Youtube. It'll save me £80 - 91 a month, and that's money I seriously need right now...
Now just to find a decent dual tuner recordable freeview box that has a decent epg that will let me record whole series of things at the click of a button, and possible download those recordings onto my laptop so that I can make some music videos... I'll be ordering it on LX Direct though, as I can't afford to buy it outright at this stage...
Hmmm...wonder what I'll choose... Topfield comes to mind, but it's not on LX Direct, thus not affordable... Of to do some research...
"Breathe Me..." : Help...I have done it again...
It's been an odd month this month... I've been out quite a few times with a Canadian friend I met at an ex-straights group meet back last November. It's weird, I just don't fancy her, but she is absolutely gorgeous, and we click on every other level except for the attraction thing. We went out to a gay bar in North London on Friday night, and it was pretty cool. Did some funky cheesy dancing, spotted a few hot chicks, and had a really deep conversation with her, where she gave me quite a few lovely compliments, saying that I was funny, gorgeous, intelligent, kind and had a beautiful smile...and I didn't know how to take it...it felt like a warm, lovely friend was giving me a real wonderful ego boost just when I needed it, and I was touched... Just confused, as she is so my type, but I just feel like we're sisters - which I think is how she feels, so I'm just gonna be relieved and enjoy the friendship.
While I was there though, I bumped into the woman who I was deeply attracted to at the beginning of this month, and whom I finally gave up on, when she sent one sentence messages to my emails asking if she'd like to go to an exhibition together outside of the exhibition club. After her last dismissive email, I just decided that as sexy as she was, I really was just not that desperate to be treated like shit, and just didn't reply. Anyway, when we met on the dance floor at the gay bar on Friday night, we said a few words to each other, but she didn't make a move, though came to dance by me for a few moments, and to be honest, I was so peeved at just how little regard she had previously had for me as a human being and friend, let alone romance-wise, that I was relieved when nothing happened.
I know one can't afford to be picky, even with someone who throws your libido a curve ball, but to be honest, I feel like I've gone through a lot of growing up over these past few years...and have been through too much to just settle for the general unfeeling crap that's thrown my way nowadays, so now I just learn to walk away... I think it's good for me too.
Which makes me question if I really should just withdraw my energy from all of this... My god, why can't people just communicate? What the hell is wrong with people? It's like bashing your head against a brick wall.
I try so hard not to care and give my energy to all the bullshitting and hanging around, but it hurts, you know? I'm an open, loving person naturally, but have found it really difficult to connect with people nowadays? They all seem to close up real fast, and this is when I'm just being generally friendly... Never used to happen before... It's almost like I'm wandering around in a room packed full of people, but anytime I draw near one to say 'Hello', a force field shoots up, and I'm bounced painfully off. One's ego can only take so much, you know...?
Here's hoping I meet a nice friend soon... Getting kinda lonely around here... And seriously, I don't bite...! Maybe I should emigrate...
While I was there though, I bumped into the woman who I was deeply attracted to at the beginning of this month, and whom I finally gave up on, when she sent one sentence messages to my emails asking if she'd like to go to an exhibition together outside of the exhibition club. After her last dismissive email, I just decided that as sexy as she was, I really was just not that desperate to be treated like shit, and just didn't reply. Anyway, when we met on the dance floor at the gay bar on Friday night, we said a few words to each other, but she didn't make a move, though came to dance by me for a few moments, and to be honest, I was so peeved at just how little regard she had previously had for me as a human being and friend, let alone romance-wise, that I was relieved when nothing happened.
I know one can't afford to be picky, even with someone who throws your libido a curve ball, but to be honest, I feel like I've gone through a lot of growing up over these past few years...and have been through too much to just settle for the general unfeeling crap that's thrown my way nowadays, so now I just learn to walk away... I think it's good for me too.
Which makes me question if I really should just withdraw my energy from all of this... My god, why can't people just communicate? What the hell is wrong with people? It's like bashing your head against a brick wall.
I try so hard not to care and give my energy to all the bullshitting and hanging around, but it hurts, you know? I'm an open, loving person naturally, but have found it really difficult to connect with people nowadays? They all seem to close up real fast, and this is when I'm just being generally friendly... Never used to happen before... It's almost like I'm wandering around in a room packed full of people, but anytime I draw near one to say 'Hello', a force field shoots up, and I'm bounced painfully off. One's ego can only take so much, you know...?
Here's hoping I meet a nice friend soon... Getting kinda lonely around here... And seriously, I don't bite...! Maybe I should emigrate...
Seeing...
I've been thinking a lot lately about how you know you've met that special someone. It hasn't happened for me in years, and even then, not in the true sense where one just 'clicks' with someone else, and you just 'know'...
To me it is like seeing someone clearly for the first time, and connecting to them on a deeper level. Really seeing them. Pulling down all those barriers that we tend to carry around with us as we go about our busy day to day lives, where we are most of the times distanced from strangers in the street, and shops, colleagues at wok and people on public transport - that layer of personal space and politeness that we tend to carry around with us on a day to day basis...
When you meet someone, who at the same time clicks with you just as much as you click with them, all those layers fall away, and it is as if you are looking at each other anew, really looking, and connecting and learning about each other at a lovely, personal pace...almost like the world around you is different from the energy in the space between you...you both are operating on your own frequency, where you are attuned to each other, and the world slows down in significance when you are both near each other...
I'm not sure I'm saying this well enough, but, on some level, I do believe that that is part of the process of falling in love, of instant chemistry that means that you both see each other and focus on each other so much more than anything else at the beginning, especially when you genuinely like that person too...
An incurable romantic...
To me it is like seeing someone clearly for the first time, and connecting to them on a deeper level. Really seeing them. Pulling down all those barriers that we tend to carry around with us as we go about our busy day to day lives, where we are most of the times distanced from strangers in the street, and shops, colleagues at wok and people on public transport - that layer of personal space and politeness that we tend to carry around with us on a day to day basis...
When you meet someone, who at the same time clicks with you just as much as you click with them, all those layers fall away, and it is as if you are looking at each other anew, really looking, and connecting and learning about each other at a lovely, personal pace...almost like the world around you is different from the energy in the space between you...you both are operating on your own frequency, where you are attuned to each other, and the world slows down in significance when you are both near each other...
I'm not sure I'm saying this well enough, but, on some level, I do believe that that is part of the process of falling in love, of instant chemistry that means that you both see each other and focus on each other so much more than anything else at the beginning, especially when you genuinely like that person too...
An incurable romantic...
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Unravel me...
You know, I never really understood Sarah McLachlan's song 'Unravel me' until I became so thoroughly unravelled myself the other week...
I was so amazed and shocked and intrigued by just how emphatically my body responded to a woman that in my mind I was undecided about, but to whom my body oh so wonderfully let me know it wanted, in no uncertain terms indeed...
And it all started with a hug.
Yes, just a simple hug that made my world stop in that small, casual moment, and then go spinning into a wonderful awakening of sweet discovery, and the solid realisation that what I had been feeling just beneath the surface for all these years, was in fact 100% and lesbianically true.
From that moment on, I have been unravelled.
I've wanted to shout it from the roof tops, to run after her and thank her for opening my eyes. To do and say so many things that I'd probably OD on the joy and passion, and feeling of it all.
I want to go back to that night, and have run after her, and asked her out for coffee, for anything...just to chat, even if it turned out she didn't feel the same way....
This new voyage of self-&-other-discovery...well..I just have to write about it - it's so new and special to me, that I'd hate to have it get lost in the ether while other things rush along and swamp it with the goings on of life...
Here's hoping once I have my internet connection back in a few weeks, that I can blog a bit more...
Off home now, to unpack...
I was so amazed and shocked and intrigued by just how emphatically my body responded to a woman that in my mind I was undecided about, but to whom my body oh so wonderfully let me know it wanted, in no uncertain terms indeed...
And it all started with a hug.
Yes, just a simple hug that made my world stop in that small, casual moment, and then go spinning into a wonderful awakening of sweet discovery, and the solid realisation that what I had been feeling just beneath the surface for all these years, was in fact 100% and lesbianically true.
From that moment on, I have been unravelled.
I've wanted to shout it from the roof tops, to run after her and thank her for opening my eyes. To do and say so many things that I'd probably OD on the joy and passion, and feeling of it all.
I want to go back to that night, and have run after her, and asked her out for coffee, for anything...just to chat, even if it turned out she didn't feel the same way....
This new voyage of self-&-other-discovery...well..I just have to write about it - it's so new and special to me, that I'd hate to have it get lost in the ether while other things rush along and swamp it with the goings on of life...
Here's hoping once I have my internet connection back in a few weeks, that I can blog a bit more...
Off home now, to unpack...
Truthes and...
The lyrics, and the way the music video below is arranged, in parts, is a lyrical version of my life over the last year, but...well, as beautiful as the movie is, I didn't cheat - I got out before that could happen, so I'd have a chance to find my Luce without the cheating part...
It still hurt, me and my ex (especially my ex)... Leaving...and being honest with myself that I no longer felt what I thought I should be feeling, and acknowledging that my true self needed to be elsewhere. The realisation of that, and having to leave and hurt my ex, hurt more than anything I've ever had to do. And I live with that guilt every day... But well, I'm glad I did leave...
Now... just to find her... and I know in my heart, that she is out there... weird, but I know, even though I haven't met her yet... there's just something...
Anyway, this is my fave Imagine Me & You music vid by far... shame I can't find Shawn Covin's version of 'Never Saw Blue Like That' on iTunes yet...
It still hurt, me and my ex (especially my ex)... Leaving...and being honest with myself that I no longer felt what I thought I should be feeling, and acknowledging that my true self needed to be elsewhere. The realisation of that, and having to leave and hurt my ex, hurt more than anything I've ever had to do. And I live with that guilt every day... But well, I'm glad I did leave...
Now... just to find her... and I know in my heart, that she is out there... weird, but I know, even though I haven't met her yet... there's just something...
Anyway, this is my fave Imagine Me & You music vid by far... shame I can't find Shawn Covin's version of 'Never Saw Blue Like That' on iTunes yet...
Dreams...
Life is so full of wonderful possibilities now...
The things I could do, the things I could build and create...
My mind is aflame with pictures, visions of all the things I could accomplish, the lives I could touch...
My imagination is so vivid, daydreams so rich...
My heart is hungry, my hands fidgety to be busy...
How I would like to soar...to blossom... to grow...
The things I could do, the people I could know...
The things I could do, the things I could build and create...
My mind is aflame with pictures, visions of all the things I could accomplish, the lives I could touch...
My imagination is so vivid, daydreams so rich...
My heart is hungry, my hands fidgety to be busy...
How I would like to soar...to blossom... to grow...
The things I could do, the people I could know...
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