Thoughts...

I was thinking about my previous post yesterday, and of how whingey I sounded. I was also thinking about why the hell I'm so reluctant to make the first move with C. And deep down, I do know why.

It's because she is so very close to how my previous ex was, just with that little bit extra of the things I always wished I my ex had, but sadly didn't. She looks quite similar, same height, similar hair style, a sweet intelligence. And yet in a different way, she's got a lovely bit of adventure and imagination, willingness to learn new things and travel... She also has lived abroad for a while, owns her own place, and yet, in a similar way to my ex, has very long eyelashes and beautiful big brown eyes, and a very endearing way about her when she's nervous - she's very easy for me to read, and like my ex, I do just want to hold her and tell her it's gonna be okay.

But then. I don't.

And I find myself getting annoyed when she doesn't step forward and make decisions, hasn't made a subtle move on me, seems worried about a lot of little things that set off alarm bells in my head, so that I start worrying about being the main decision maker in a relationship that hasn't really even started properly... Something that I've done all my life with various people close to me, and at this stage...really don't want to have to slip into all over again... It's like this time round, I want the dynamics to change, I really don't want to be the babysitter anymore...

Yet, with C, warning bells about the above are going off all the time, and I know, deep down in my gut, that I really want a strong woman. Someone with a slight edge to her personality. Someone I don't feel the need to rescue and tell them it's gonna be alright, but someone who will look at me, the real me, and will want to take care of me. Someone to hold me, and share the strength in the relationship. Who will recognise my strengths at nurturing, but will have a good measure of strength of their own, and be able to lend me that when I need it... a bit like Luce in Imagine Me & You, when she tells Rachel that she wants her, but seeing the turmoil she is in, Luce hugs Rachel to her, and tells her it's going to be okay, and never to forget her... strength and tenderness, and an inherent understanding... strength and backbone, and wisdom, like Helen in Bad Girls... that whole Nikki + Helen relationship just shows it all for me. The dynamics, the balance, the strong characters, the stubbornness, the tenderness... Obviously, I wouldn't want to end up in prison, but the relationship itself speaks volumes to my heart, my soul...(see below)

So... I guess that's why on some level, I haven't made the first move with C - I keep figuring, my goodness, she's been an out lesbian for the last 14 years, and yet she's struggling to make the first move? I want someone who has that little extra confidence to pull me gently to one side, look me in the eye, tell me how she feels, and kiss me gently. Someone to court me, woo me, seduce me, actually phone me, leave me suggestive messages, and hold my hand... My god, I'm a hopeless romantic, and my head's probably way to far in the clouds, but hey, I see that going on a lot between women when I go out to gay venues, so... I don't reckon it's too much to ask...

And you know, I've realised after a while, that I really don't have a type in looks/style so to speak, just in strength of personality, so a strong butch, or a strong femme would be wonderful... It's the strength and the tenderness I'm looking for... someone who's not afraid to show how she feels...

Someone...

Yes...nobody said it was easy...