Feelings

I feel so unbelievably crap right now, it's taking every breath to concentrate on not bursting into tears.

I've held back thinking and feeling too seriously about just how much crap I am in for such a long time, that it now seems to be finally pushing away at the feebly supported walls I've built around my emotions.

I'm good at coping - that's what I do. Shit happens, and I take a step back and analyse it, figure out how to deal with it, and somehow pull through to the other side.

Nowadays though, with so much falling to pieces in terms of my break-up last September, rental worries, financial worries, and also coping with my evolving sexuality - things just seem to be looming over me, and I can't really pretend I can handle it anymore...

I need someone to talk to that can listen and somehow understand it in the context of my sexuality and the general ups and downs and worries of living life in the environment I am currently living it in.

It's great to have R at work, and we get each other to some extent, but the fact that I haven't come out to her or anyone else at work because of how confused I have been feeling, means that a lot of the time I don't feel comfortable sharing everything with her. I am also constantly worrying about how everyone's attitudes will change towards me when I come out - not sure if I can cope. At first I was, but at the moment, I really don't know.

I was thinking of going to the GB Depression Support Group, but unfortunately they are not meeting this weekend. Which leaves me at a loss really, as that would have been the one place I would have felt at ease about talking to someone about how awful I feel at the moment, with my sexuality issues thrown in...

I guess unless I really make myself go out this weekend, some tears will be shed, and a lot of soul-searching will be done too... I just really don't have the energy to deal with anything this weekend. I know that I will have to go flat hunting soon, to get myself out of the complete financial rut I am in right now, and I know that I will have to do some work on some websites too, and try and hold it together for my mother too, who is so very worried about me, and bless her, is trying so damned hard to be supportive throughout all of this. I really don't know what I would have done without her.

God, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it all...

Sigh.

I feel so crap.

Could really do with a hug.

I could really do with just sitting in a dark room and sobbing my heart out for a few hours.

I feel like Issy lying on the floor with her whole world falling apart post Denny, in Grey's Anatomy's season 3 premier on Living TV last night.

I know what I should logically do, and how to do it, but my coping mechanisms just want to cry, and cry and cry before they can do anything at all.

Kinda sucks.

Am gonna go for a walk.

---

An hour later, and I'm back from that walk. I spoke to my mum on the phone for a bit, and feel a little better. Not quite so teary-eyed (well not until I get home and relax a bit anyway). My mum let me know that it is okay to want to cry sometimes, and that you don't have to be strong all the time - a habit that I need to try and ease a bit (the trying to be strong all the time part). I didn't feel so helpless then... she's a wonderful woman - still my hero.

Everything hasn't miraculously gotten better, and I still feel like crap, and like I need counselling of some sort... the edges are a little less raw... which will get me through the rest of the working day without turning into a crying, messy wreck.. a good start...

Here's hoping things'll get better...