Listening, actually *listening* to this (as well as watching), helped me to identify so much of what I need to do, and have subconsciously been doing all my life to live a life without mental illness. My family history contains very subtle layers of mental illness - not suicide, but a mental illness that I saw from a very young age held us back. I struggle with it every day, and use techniques mentioned by Mariel, such as play, and laughter, and acknowledging my connection to the world, so that I can focus on the positive aspects of being and leaving a positive affect/signature in the world also. My partner suffers from depression and different levels of mental illness too... very subtly, and mainly due to the effects of being so very sensitive and open... too much negative stimuli can be very damaging for her, and I recognise that and have learnt to balance and help her through those stages, in similar ways that she helps me... Mariel Hemingway is AWAKE. She sees and acknowledges what needs to be done on so many levels. I admire her perseverance and path in teaching others too. I will watch this every time I waver, and aim to teach others too. Thank-you Mariel, and Universe.
Sunday 21 September 2014
Thursday 28 August 2014
Landlord Racism Barely Masked
I went to visit a reasonably nice flat in Coventry today, that was being rented out by the landlord, who was there doing some final repairs with his father.
He buzzed me in, and called down the communal staircase to see if I was able to get in - we exchanged greetings verbally, with me saying "Thanks! I'm on my way up...!". Then I came around the corner of the stairwell, he saw me, that I was Black... and then his face dropped. It was just an instant, a couple of seconds, while I watched him mentally struggle with himself to stay polite, and not show his emotions, but it was too late - that mental tick was hard to control. I felt sorry for him, as he tried to keep up banter, and get his head around the intelligent pleasantries that were coming out of my mouth, and the fact that he really didn't like Black people. The next 5 minutes were spent with him showing me around the flat, and me being polite and asking the right questions, but I think we both knew by the end of it, that I wouldn't be staying there.
I've had too many experiences of being in a place where people really just can't get over their mental tick of race issues - the boss who I was friends with, but shifted uncomfortably if she was in an environment where there was more than one Black person, the few towns where I have lived in Hertfordshire and Cheshire, where people looked at me with disgust, and that question in their eyes "What are *you* doing here?!?.... Didn't I move up here to get away from your lot...?!?". My 3 years at Oxford, where I felt daily challenged to justify being there, where porters would refuse to look me in the eye, waiters who would refuse to serve me and leave me waiting for inordinate periods of time in restaurants, shop keepers who would refuse to touch my hand when I paid for goods - instead slamming down the change on the counter... and many more.
All these little pockets of negative treatment, where it felt like people were marking their territory to make sure I felt unwelcome. These came flooding back to me. And as lovely as that flat was today, I was not going to even try to take it with that underlying feeling of "I don't like your kind..." in the air. I hope he finds his ideal tenant, but I won't be the one. I'm fine with that. I will continue to make my own path in the world, and find something that resonates with me.
He buzzed me in, and called down the communal staircase to see if I was able to get in - we exchanged greetings verbally, with me saying "Thanks! I'm on my way up...!". Then I came around the corner of the stairwell, he saw me, that I was Black... and then his face dropped. It was just an instant, a couple of seconds, while I watched him mentally struggle with himself to stay polite, and not show his emotions, but it was too late - that mental tick was hard to control. I felt sorry for him, as he tried to keep up banter, and get his head around the intelligent pleasantries that were coming out of my mouth, and the fact that he really didn't like Black people. The next 5 minutes were spent with him showing me around the flat, and me being polite and asking the right questions, but I think we both knew by the end of it, that I wouldn't be staying there.
I've had too many experiences of being in a place where people really just can't get over their mental tick of race issues - the boss who I was friends with, but shifted uncomfortably if she was in an environment where there was more than one Black person, the few towns where I have lived in Hertfordshire and Cheshire, where people looked at me with disgust, and that question in their eyes "What are *you* doing here?!?.... Didn't I move up here to get away from your lot...?!?". My 3 years at Oxford, where I felt daily challenged to justify being there, where porters would refuse to look me in the eye, waiters who would refuse to serve me and leave me waiting for inordinate periods of time in restaurants, shop keepers who would refuse to touch my hand when I paid for goods - instead slamming down the change on the counter... and many more.
All these little pockets of negative treatment, where it felt like people were marking their territory to make sure I felt unwelcome. These came flooding back to me. And as lovely as that flat was today, I was not going to even try to take it with that underlying feeling of "I don't like your kind..." in the air. I hope he finds his ideal tenant, but I won't be the one. I'm fine with that. I will continue to make my own path in the world, and find something that resonates with me.
Monday 2 June 2014
Together and alone
The two blog entries below are summaries of the two most impactful relationships I have had with women over these last 10 years. The last extract is about an impasse I had reached with my current girlfriend, back when we had first met. I often wonder what would have happened if I had walked away back then, in 2008. What my life would have been like... We have been together for 6 years now, through some rocky and lovely patches, and now, we find ourselves at an impasse again... I am thinking of walking away, and following my dreams... Getting to know myself as a loner for 5-10 years, and staying single and free... We will see...
---
It's strange, learning and adapting to the ways of another person, where at first you fall head over heals in love, and want to be open and true with them, and then, with a jolt, realise that they don't work that way, they can't do that, they need their distance, their own space, don't necessarily like or take an interest in the things you cherish and hold close to you.
All that innocent, youthful optimism and hope to be completely yourself with another that you once showed so freely as a child and then learnt to bury and bury and bury again as life's realities taught you how to shield and protect yourself as you grew up and entered the real world where everyone holds off a little or a lot of themselves and doesn't really quite connect - you have to hide that simple, hopeful, unguarded part of you again now too.
Those blissful couple of weeks where you thought, 'Oh, finally, at last - here is someone I can relax with, and love and make love to and open up enough to care for' - sometime later, after the 5th and 6th and then 7th or more brush off - or moment when you're talked over, forgotten, a gift or piece of poetry, some artwork or some other small piece of yourself that you have given as a random token of your love is ignored or looked at and set aside... then your heart tugs deeply, painfully, sadly, in disappointment, sadness, confusion... You had hoped, had dared to hope just a little for the simplicity of love, the simplicity and unduplicity of communication, the simple joy of just being together, but then...
Your skills as a listener, doer, helper are called upon, you become a life coach again, you are told - "S, you're a lovely person, I love you, but I'm just not in the right place in my life at the moment - everything is screwed up, before I met you, I had just had this awful break-up and had vowed to be single for a long time, and then you came along and 'wham!' - what I felt with you was so special, I was scared to let it go, even though I don't feel ready for it - who would dare to turn away such a gift?".
And you nod and smile sadly. This is what your last girlfriend said to you, almost word for word. And back then, as you feel right now, it hurt you a lot. You're not really wanted for you - you're being tolerated as a gift one is scared to give back just in case one is doing the wrong thing - not because she feels right about the two of you, but because you're that exotic something that she might as well try just in case she misses out.
And then she leaves you, again and again, off with her friends, on a crazy schedule, running herself ragged and tired and over exhausted - you seeing what's happening, but then you are pushed away and then you begin to feel guilty and defencive for wanting to help, you feel guilty for wanting to take care of her because you're made to feel that by doing so you are stepping on her toes.
You feel more and more lonely in the relationship as you go through this, and then one day, realise that in essence, you are alone again. She doesn't feel as you feel. You have to wrap yourself up so you're not so sensitive anymore, so you don't feel the disregard and the hard knocks, so you can be a friend to her that she just happens to be very attracted to, but you must learn to keep and respect that distance she has made around herself.
You become a convenient friend and fuck-buddy and nothing more.
Until she grows tired of you, and decides that you should both come to an amicable break-up point, as she feels it just isn't going to work, she doesn't have it in her for a relationship anymore - she needs her space, she wants to go off and do new things, you understand don't you?
Yes, you say. I sensed it a while ago.
You hug and go your separate ways. You hurting for a while, then toughening up again and going through a long period of solitude and distant un-connected friendships with random people.
Hoping. Hoping that one day it will be different.
---
At the moment, I am at the feeling lonely in the relationship stage - realising that I want far more out of us than my lady is capable of giving, that I want far more stability and together time than she can give or focus on right now. Realising that she will be leaving me pretty soon to go and work overseas, and being told that when she is away from me she doesn't miss me, as that is just how she is. Wanting to cry when I think of how lonely I feel, and how much I just want to have someone to hold, and someone who contacts me out of the blue and tells me they're looking forward to seeing me, can't get enough of me, loves me as much as I deeply love them, and wants me for me, where I'm not the inconvenient someone that they *have* to think about calling because they feel sorry for me or worry about neglecting me, as one would a plant one forgets to water every now and then.
I realise I'm alone again in my heart. It hurts right now. But I have learnt some good things from this brief relationship too. I will be there for her as she needs me, and step nicely aside when she is done and goes abroad without a backwards glance as she has told me she will eventually and without missing me. Hopefully this'll toughen me up for what's to come. Though I hope this karma turns around soon, and I have some easy years coming up.
I'm not sure I like these scars that are growing around my far too sensitive heart.
Lessons learnt
What I would tell my younger self below:
- Don't be so submissive to the whims of others in relationships.
- Learn to say No.
- Put yourself first.
- No second chances, walk away when the bullshit starts happening, and you feel uncomfortable.
- Be in control of your life and experiences.
---
1) Ending things with R (2007)
It's strange, learning and adapting to the ways of another person, where at first you fall head over heals in love, and want to be open and true with them, and then, with a jolt, realise that they don't work that way, they can't do that, they need their distance, their own space, don't necessarily like or take an interest in the things you cherish and hold close to you.
All that innocent, youthful optimism and hope to be completely yourself with another that you once showed so freely as a child and then learnt to bury and bury and bury again as life's realities taught you how to shield and protect yourself as you grew up and entered the real world where everyone holds off a little or a lot of themselves and doesn't really quite connect - you have to hide that simple, hopeful, unguarded part of you again now too.
Those blissful couple of weeks where you thought, 'Oh, finally, at last - here is someone I can relax with, and love and make love to and open up enough to care for' - sometime later, after the 5th and 6th and then 7th or more brush off - or moment when you're talked over, forgotten, a gift or piece of poetry, some artwork or some other small piece of yourself that you have given as a random token of your love is ignored or looked at and set aside... then your heart tugs deeply, painfully, sadly, in disappointment, sadness, confusion... You had hoped, had dared to hope just a little for the simplicity of love, the simplicity and unduplicity of communication, the simple joy of just being together, but then...
Your skills as a listener, doer, helper are called upon, you become a life coach again, you are told - "S, you're a lovely person, I love you, but I'm just not in the right place in my life at the moment - everything is screwed up, before I met you, I had just had this awful break-up and had vowed to be single for a long time, and then you came along and 'wham!' - what I felt with you was so special, I was scared to let it go, even though I don't feel ready for it - who would dare to turn away such a gift?".
And you nod and smile sadly. This is what your last girlfriend said to you, almost word for word. And back then, as you feel right now, it hurt you a lot. You're not really wanted for you - you're being tolerated as a gift one is scared to give back just in case one is doing the wrong thing - not because she feels right about the two of you, but because you're that exotic something that she might as well try just in case she misses out.
And then she leaves you, again and again, off with her friends, on a crazy schedule, running herself ragged and tired and over exhausted - you seeing what's happening, but then you are pushed away and then you begin to feel guilty and defencive for wanting to help, you feel guilty for wanting to take care of her because you're made to feel that by doing so you are stepping on her toes.
You feel more and more lonely in the relationship as you go through this, and then one day, realise that in essence, you are alone again. She doesn't feel as you feel. You have to wrap yourself up so you're not so sensitive anymore, so you don't feel the disregard and the hard knocks, so you can be a friend to her that she just happens to be very attracted to, but you must learn to keep and respect that distance she has made around herself.
You become a convenient friend and fuck-buddy and nothing more.
Until she grows tired of you, and decides that you should both come to an amicable break-up point, as she feels it just isn't going to work, she doesn't have it in her for a relationship anymore - she needs her space, she wants to go off and do new things, you understand don't you?
Yes, you say. I sensed it a while ago.
You hug and go your separate ways. You hurting for a while, then toughening up again and going through a long period of solitude and distant un-connected friendships with random people.
Hoping. Hoping that one day it will be different.
---
2) An Empasse with M (2008)
At the moment, I am at the feeling lonely in the relationship stage - realising that I want far more out of us than my lady is capable of giving, that I want far more stability and together time than she can give or focus on right now. Realising that she will be leaving me pretty soon to go and work overseas, and being told that when she is away from me she doesn't miss me, as that is just how she is. Wanting to cry when I think of how lonely I feel, and how much I just want to have someone to hold, and someone who contacts me out of the blue and tells me they're looking forward to seeing me, can't get enough of me, loves me as much as I deeply love them, and wants me for me, where I'm not the inconvenient someone that they *have* to think about calling because they feel sorry for me or worry about neglecting me, as one would a plant one forgets to water every now and then.
I realise I'm alone again in my heart. It hurts right now. But I have learnt some good things from this brief relationship too. I will be there for her as she needs me, and step nicely aside when she is done and goes abroad without a backwards glance as she has told me she will eventually and without missing me. Hopefully this'll toughen me up for what's to come. Though I hope this karma turns around soon, and I have some easy years coming up.
I'm not sure I like these scars that are growing around my far too sensitive heart.
Wednesday 3 December 2008
Passion...in motion
There are times
When you look at me
With your eyes hooded
Lips parted and
Body arched towards me
That deep inside
something flickers
gently at first and then
with added speed
into a full throated flame
Our bodies pull towards each other
Energies magnetically pulsing
Your breath hitching in a gasp
My solar plexus surging in response
To your strident urgent call
Lips touch, torsos meet
A pulsing wave eddies back and forth between us
Where the barest kiss, the slightest caress ignites
Electricity sparks along each vein, each nerve, each heartbeat,
Slowing time down to a nano-second
Your moans urge me on, your body shuddering with each wave
My solar plexus throbbing with each pull
Each surge, each thrust
As we dance to the sound of our song
A rich deep music that only our bodies seem to hear
And I feel the sweet deep ecstasy of
Energy flowing and mixing and dancing
An eternal stream of desire that we have
Learned to stroke and touch and shape to our call
Passion...in motion
An age old magical rhythm
That I want to dance with you
Again
And again
And again
When you look at me
With your eyes hooded
Lips parted and
Body arched towards me
That deep inside
something flickers
gently at first and then
with added speed
into a full throated flame
Our bodies pull towards each other
Energies magnetically pulsing
Your breath hitching in a gasp
My solar plexus surging in response
To your strident urgent call
Lips touch, torsos meet
A pulsing wave eddies back and forth between us
Where the barest kiss, the slightest caress ignites
Electricity sparks along each vein, each nerve, each heartbeat,
Slowing time down to a nano-second
Your moans urge me on, your body shuddering with each wave
My solar plexus throbbing with each pull
Each surge, each thrust
As we dance to the sound of our song
A rich deep music that only our bodies seem to hear
And I feel the sweet deep ecstasy of
Energy flowing and mixing and dancing
An eternal stream of desire that we have
Learned to stroke and touch and shape to our call
Passion...in motion
An age old magical rhythm
That I want to dance with you
Again
And again
And again
Monday 2 June 2008
Us
Unravel Me
Softly
Slowly.
Completely.
Unwrap the layers around my heart
Read the lines etched into my soul
Hold me
Gently
Love me
Closely
Fuck me
Slowly
Lick me
Deeply
That is what you do to me
From Slow
To Soft
From Gentle
To Firm
From Fast to Hard
My heart
Once broken into shards
Picked up slowly
And held in both hands
Listened to
Carefully
And Caressed
Completely
That is what you do to me.
Your passion is like a maelstrom
A storm that mixes with my energy and
whisks us both into a flame
One look
Eyes hooded
Lips soft, kissed red
Hair sexily fallen around your
delicate face
your aura pulsing
pulling me towards you
My rock star
strong
sultry
sexy
so
so
so
beautiful
my heart skips a beat
Your hand on my shoulder
sends energy crackling down my spine
my heart contracts
Our eyes connect
Fingers touch
Souls meet
I know not what I have done
to deserve such beauty
such connection
such joy as my eyes
my heart
my soul
caress
you
but know that what
we feel
what
we have
I will hold
and cherish
and love
no matter where
or how our paths should travel
My eyes are open
My soul awake
It sees and knows
In peace
In love
Whatever may be
In the past
In the present
In the future
What ever, how ever will be
I Love you.
Softly
Slowly.
Completely.
Unwrap the layers around my heart
Read the lines etched into my soul
Hold me
Gently
Love me
Closely
Fuck me
Slowly
Lick me
Deeply
That is what you do to me
From Slow
To Soft
From Gentle
To Firm
From Fast to Hard
My heart
Once broken into shards
Picked up slowly
And held in both hands
Listened to
Carefully
And Caressed
Completely
That is what you do to me.
Your passion is like a maelstrom
A storm that mixes with my energy and
whisks us both into a flame
One look
Eyes hooded
Lips soft, kissed red
Hair sexily fallen around your
delicate face
your aura pulsing
pulling me towards you
My rock star
strong
sultry
sexy
so
so
so
beautiful
my heart skips a beat
Your hand on my shoulder
sends energy crackling down my spine
my heart contracts
Our eyes connect
Fingers touch
Souls meet
I know not what I have done
to deserve such beauty
such connection
such joy as my eyes
my heart
my soul
caress
you
but know that what
we feel
what
we have
I will hold
and cherish
and love
no matter where
or how our paths should travel
My eyes are open
My soul awake
It sees and knows
In peace
In love
Whatever may be
In the past
In the present
In the future
What ever, how ever will be
I Love you.
Friday 11 April 2008
Flirting straight girls
I don't know what it is about the past few days, but straight girls seem to be flirting with me, and my Inner Slut is having a ball.
Apart from the cute blonde I chatted to on Wednesday night in the queue at M&S, and the very cute L, who confessed she had a dream about kissing a woman ages ago (I'm not out at work yet), and who makes lingering eye contact with flirtatious conversations every once in a while - my most eyebrow raising moment this week, was with P, a lady who very unfairly looks like Alice from the L Word, and who I may have a teeny crush on from time to time.
She came into an office I've been working in today, and blurted out "...well I'm sure you don't want me...erm, not *physically* of course...!", and then after seeing her blush sweetly, I smiled and said, "Oh no, I understand what you were trying to say, don't worry." All the time, thinking, "Come on S - keep a serious face, seriously!". Whereas my Inner Slut was saying "Well, if you really want to know...(smirk)".
Inner Slut was also replaying this in my mind, and P being an Alice-lookalike didn't help...
Laughs, shaking head.
Lord save me, how I survive amongst all these gorgeous straight women, I really don't know.
I seriously need a cute gay girlfriend to distract me.
Sigh.
Apart from the cute blonde I chatted to on Wednesday night in the queue at M&S, and the very cute L, who confessed she had a dream about kissing a woman ages ago (I'm not out at work yet), and who makes lingering eye contact with flirtatious conversations every once in a while - my most eyebrow raising moment this week, was with P, a lady who very unfairly looks like Alice from the L Word, and who I may have a teeny crush on from time to time.
She came into an office I've been working in today, and blurted out "...well I'm sure you don't want me...erm, not *physically* of course...!", and then after seeing her blush sweetly, I smiled and said, "Oh no, I understand what you were trying to say, don't worry." All the time, thinking, "Come on S - keep a serious face, seriously!". Whereas my Inner Slut was saying "Well, if you really want to know...(smirk)".
Inner Slut was also replaying this in my mind, and P being an Alice-lookalike didn't help...
Laughs, shaking head.
Lord save me, how I survive amongst all these gorgeous straight women, I really don't know.
I seriously need a cute gay girlfriend to distract me.
Sigh.
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