Lessons learnt
What I would tell my younger self below:
- Don't be so submissive to the whims of others in relationships.
- Learn to say No.
- Put yourself first.
- No second chances, walk away when the bullshit starts happening, and you feel uncomfortable.
- Be in control of your life and experiences.
---
1) Ending things with R (2007)
It's strange, learning and adapting to the ways of another person, where at first you fall head over heals in love, and want to be open and true with them, and then, with a jolt, realise that they don't work that way, they can't do that, they need their distance, their own space, don't necessarily like or take an interest in the things you cherish and hold close to you.
All that innocent, youthful optimism and hope to be completely yourself with another that you once showed so freely as a child and then learnt to bury and bury and bury again as life's realities taught you how to shield and protect yourself as you grew up and entered the real world where everyone holds off a little or a lot of themselves and doesn't really quite connect - you have to hide that simple, hopeful, unguarded part of you again now too.
Those blissful couple of weeks where you thought, 'Oh, finally, at last - here is someone I can relax with, and love and make love to and open up enough to care for' - sometime later, after the 5th and 6th and then 7th or more brush off - or moment when you're talked over, forgotten, a gift or piece of poetry, some artwork or some other small piece of yourself that you have given as a random token of your love is ignored or looked at and set aside... then your heart tugs deeply, painfully, sadly, in disappointment, sadness, confusion... You had hoped, had dared to hope just a little for the simplicity of love, the simplicity and unduplicity of communication, the simple joy of just being together, but then...
Your skills as a listener, doer, helper are called upon, you become a life coach again, you are told - "S, you're a lovely person, I love you, but I'm just not in the right place in my life at the moment - everything is screwed up, before I met you, I had just had this awful break-up and had vowed to be single for a long time, and then you came along and 'wham!' - what I felt with you was so special, I was scared to let it go, even though I don't feel ready for it - who would dare to turn away such a gift?".
And you nod and smile sadly. This is what your last girlfriend said to you, almost word for word. And back then, as you feel right now, it hurt you a lot. You're not really wanted for you - you're being tolerated as a gift one is scared to give back just in case one is doing the wrong thing - not because she feels right about the two of you, but because you're that exotic something that she might as well try just in case she misses out.
And then she leaves you, again and again, off with her friends, on a crazy schedule, running herself ragged and tired and over exhausted - you seeing what's happening, but then you are pushed away and then you begin to feel guilty and defencive for wanting to help, you feel guilty for wanting to take care of her because you're made to feel that by doing so you are stepping on her toes.
You feel more and more lonely in the relationship as you go through this, and then one day, realise that in essence, you are alone again. She doesn't feel as you feel. You have to wrap yourself up so you're not so sensitive anymore, so you don't feel the disregard and the hard knocks, so you can be a friend to her that she just happens to be very attracted to, but you must learn to keep and respect that distance she has made around herself.
You become a convenient friend and fuck-buddy and nothing more.
Until she grows tired of you, and decides that you should both come to an amicable break-up point, as she feels it just isn't going to work, she doesn't have it in her for a relationship anymore - she needs her space, she wants to go off and do new things, you understand don't you?
Yes, you say. I sensed it a while ago.
You hug and go your separate ways. You hurting for a while, then toughening up again and going through a long period of solitude and distant un-connected friendships with random people.
Hoping. Hoping that one day it will be different.
---
2) An Empasse with M (2008)
At the moment, I am at the feeling lonely in the relationship stage - realising that I want far more out of us than my lady is capable of giving, that I want far more stability and together time than she can give or focus on right now. Realising that she will be leaving me pretty soon to go and work overseas, and being told that when she is away from me she doesn't miss me, as that is just how she is. Wanting to cry when I think of how lonely I feel, and how much I just want to have someone to hold, and someone who contacts me out of the blue and tells me they're looking forward to seeing me, can't get enough of me, loves me as much as I deeply love them, and wants me for me, where I'm not the inconvenient someone that they *have* to think about calling because they feel sorry for me or worry about neglecting me, as one would a plant one forgets to water every now and then.
I realise I'm alone again in my heart. It hurts right now. But I have learnt some good things from this brief relationship too. I will be there for her as she needs me, and step nicely aside when she is done and goes abroad without a backwards glance as she has told me she will eventually and without missing me. Hopefully this'll toughen me up for what's to come. Though I hope this karma turns around soon, and I have some easy years coming up.
I'm not sure I like these scars that are growing around my far too sensitive heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment