An unstoppable force...

The time I have seen moving towards me at a rate that I know will hurt, has come today.

My girlfriend has emailed, texted, phoned and now driven her car up to meet the object of her crush/obsession this afternoon, and I have not even bothered to do anything about it, because at this point, I reckon that all the whining, arguing and jealousy in the world isn't going to stop her need to go meet my friend - she has to do it, and whatever happens, happens.

I've been told from the very start by my girlfriend that she was incapable of being serious about me due to her most recent traumatic breakup, and her not believing in the power or reality of love or true affection anymore, and so, as much as I enjoy her company, at the back of my mind, my rational voice has been preparing me for it all ending in tears, and me being hurt in the end. I have only just found out that her ex is still in her life and making demands of her - hence her going hot and cold on me, and her confession that she likes to feel needed by her ex (who went off with a guy), and that she cannot figure out how to end it all completely. So, since the start, I guess, there have been 3 people in this relationship, and then since she met R, there are now 4.

A bit crowded?

Much?

We had amazing, mind-blowing sex yesterday morning, and she sent me some messages saying that she wished she was with me.

But.

I still get the sense that I am more her fuck buddy than anything else, and as 'nice' as she keeps calling me, that will never be enough for her.

Hence her going to meet my friend.

I was wondering today why I'm not mad at my friend R. It's because I know she is a womaniser, and have always accepted that - I will probably like her a little less because of what I sense is happening (the way my girlfriend gets all breathy when she mentions her, the way that they both looked at each other and had deep conversations with each other when we all last went out). All this energy used up in jealousy is doing me no good at all - hence me letting them get on with it really.

I am not sure if I will be able to go to one of our group outings without getting over emotional, but I have realised that this is my chance to end things without feeling guilty, and maintaining some shred of self respect. A lot has been going on that I haven't blogged, some nice and some painful things. But today I felt the need to blog things off of my chest, so to speak.

You never know, I might be completely wrong, and this is all completely innocent, my instincts are off, and my friend has been completely honourable with my girlfriend. But, having drawn an infidelity card in my tarot today, and having my previous instincts around this type of thing in the past being proved right... I'm a bit resigned really.

I guess in the end, this explains why I was confused in not feeling as much as I usually do this far into a relationship - it's because I was instinctively setting myself up for a fall, especially being told by the girlfriend that she had previously slept with friends while in a relationship with someone else.

Writing on the Wall - so to speak.

I guess my new glasses have come in handy.

I really do hope I can fly off to the States soon, and just have some *me* time.

No idea what/how things are going to go on the phone tonight - but looks like it's going to be another learning curve.