Odd...

It's been an odd time on the relationship front for me of late.

First there were the feelings of jealousy, when my girlfriend so obviously was infatuated with my friend, and now, after my friend has gone, myself and my gf have had a talk, and decided to keep things more on a 'dating' basis than a 'relationship' front. She's had a lot of emotional scarring from a previous bad breakup, and has admitted to me that she is scared of becoming too intense with things between us.

I agreed to take things slowly, as I could see that she is hurting and emotionally fragile right now, and I do like her, but...

Something doesn't quite feel right... I can't put my finger on it, but whenever I ask myself how I feel about all of this, I come up with a blank.

This worries me, as I am used to knowing how I feel about people I am seeing, and everything seems so up in the air right now.

She invited me to a birthday dinner tonite, with her friends, and now has cancelled, since her friend has changed venues, and now says that she wants to spend time with one of her friends alone, and just have Saturday evening, and Sunday with me.

This has really upset me again, as I keep feeling that I'm being shoved to one side for her friends, family, work etc., while she races around doing things with them... It scares me, as I don't even feel that I know her that well, and it makes me upset because I feel as if I am being kept at arm's length all the time - she said to me on Sunday, when I suggested that we stop things, and just be friends, if she wasn't sure how she was feeling, that she didn't want to stop seeing me, because she said that she had never met anyone like me before, and that she was scared of giving up on us, when it might turn out to be wonderful in the end. I could understand, but it also made me feel a bit like an exotic treat that you are curious about, and admire from time to time when you're not busy, but otherwise got on with your life while it was left on the shelf.

Is that selfish of me to say that?

I don't know.

It is how I feel though.

I don't think I can cope with a relationship/dating like this. I don't think I do 'second best' very well...

There is also the guilt factor, where in the back of my mind, my mind says this is karma for what I put my ex through - all the suffering that he has had to endure due to me breaking up with him how I did, is now coming back to me in the form of a screwy relationship, and maybe I should just swallow it.

Sigh.

But should I?

I don't know...

She did explain re. tonite that she didn't want me to suffer from the emotional fall-out of her feeling PMS-y and vulnerable, but you know, I actually wouldn't have minded - isn't that what girlfriends do for each other?

I guess it's time for another intense chat over the weekend - see if we can get anywhere with this, and if I can sort out how I'm feeling...

I guess no-one ever said it was easy, huh?