It's been an odd month this month... I've been out quite a few times with a Canadian friend I met at an ex-straights group meet back last November. It's weird, I just don't fancy her, but she is absolutely gorgeous, and we click on every other level except for the attraction thing. We went out to a gay bar in North London on Friday night, and it was pretty cool. Did some funky cheesy dancing, spotted a few hot chicks, and had a really deep conversation with her, where she gave me quite a few lovely compliments, saying that I was funny, gorgeous, intelligent, kind and had a beautiful smile...and I didn't know how to take it...it felt like a warm, lovely friend was giving me a real wonderful ego boost just when I needed it, and I was touched... Just confused, as she is so my type, but I just feel like we're sisters - which I think is how she feels, so I'm just gonna be relieved and enjoy the friendship.
While I was there though, I bumped into the woman who I was deeply attracted to at the beginning of this month, and whom I finally gave up on, when she sent one sentence messages to my emails asking if she'd like to go to an exhibition together outside of the exhibition club. After her last dismissive email, I just decided that as sexy as she was, I really was just not that desperate to be treated like shit, and just didn't reply. Anyway, when we met on the dance floor at the gay bar on Friday night, we said a few words to each other, but she didn't make a move, though came to dance by me for a few moments, and to be honest, I was so peeved at just how little regard she had previously had for me as a human being and friend, let alone romance-wise, that I was relieved when nothing happened.
I know one can't afford to be picky, even with someone who throws your libido a curve ball, but to be honest, I feel like I've gone through a lot of growing up over these past few years...and have been through too much to just settle for the general unfeeling crap that's thrown my way nowadays, so now I just learn to walk away... I think it's good for me too.
Which makes me question if I really should just withdraw my energy from all of this... My god, why can't people just communicate? What the hell is wrong with people? It's like bashing your head against a brick wall.
I try so hard not to care and give my energy to all the bullshitting and hanging around, but it hurts, you know? I'm an open, loving person naturally, but have found it really difficult to connect with people nowadays? They all seem to close up real fast, and this is when I'm just being generally friendly... Never used to happen before... It's almost like I'm wandering around in a room packed full of people, but anytime I draw near one to say 'Hello', a force field shoots up, and I'm bounced painfully off. One's ego can only take so much, you know...?
Here's hoping I meet a nice friend soon... Getting kinda lonely around here... And seriously, I don't bite...! Maybe I should emigrate...
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