An unstoppable force...

The time I have seen moving towards me at a rate that I know will hurt, has come today.

My girlfriend has emailed, texted, phoned and now driven her car up to meet the object of her crush/obsession this afternoon, and I have not even bothered to do anything about it, because at this point, I reckon that all the whining, arguing and jealousy in the world isn't going to stop her need to go meet my friend - she has to do it, and whatever happens, happens.

I've been told from the very start by my girlfriend that she was incapable of being serious about me due to her most recent traumatic breakup, and her not believing in the power or reality of love or true affection anymore, and so, as much as I enjoy her company, at the back of my mind, my rational voice has been preparing me for it all ending in tears, and me being hurt in the end. I have only just found out that her ex is still in her life and making demands of her - hence her going hot and cold on me, and her confession that she likes to feel needed by her ex (who went off with a guy), and that she cannot figure out how to end it all completely. So, since the start, I guess, there have been 3 people in this relationship, and then since she met R, there are now 4.

A bit crowded?

Much?

We had amazing, mind-blowing sex yesterday morning, and she sent me some messages saying that she wished she was with me.

But.

I still get the sense that I am more her fuck buddy than anything else, and as 'nice' as she keeps calling me, that will never be enough for her.

Hence her going to meet my friend.

I was wondering today why I'm not mad at my friend R. It's because I know she is a womaniser, and have always accepted that - I will probably like her a little less because of what I sense is happening (the way my girlfriend gets all breathy when she mentions her, the way that they both looked at each other and had deep conversations with each other when we all last went out). All this energy used up in jealousy is doing me no good at all - hence me letting them get on with it really.

I am not sure if I will be able to go to one of our group outings without getting over emotional, but I have realised that this is my chance to end things without feeling guilty, and maintaining some shred of self respect. A lot has been going on that I haven't blogged, some nice and some painful things. But today I felt the need to blog things off of my chest, so to speak.

You never know, I might be completely wrong, and this is all completely innocent, my instincts are off, and my friend has been completely honourable with my girlfriend. But, having drawn an infidelity card in my tarot today, and having my previous instincts around this type of thing in the past being proved right... I'm a bit resigned really.

I guess in the end, this explains why I was confused in not feeling as much as I usually do this far into a relationship - it's because I was instinctively setting myself up for a fall, especially being told by the girlfriend that she had previously slept with friends while in a relationship with someone else.

Writing on the Wall - so to speak.

I guess my new glasses have come in handy.

I really do hope I can fly off to the States soon, and just have some *me* time.

No idea what/how things are going to go on the phone tonight - but looks like it's going to be another learning curve.

In This Place...

It's lonely in this place with you.

I try to open up, but then get cut down by sarcasm. One moment you're very sweet, and the next, so distant - I'm not sure whether to dwell on the good times, or just drift through this whole thing so I don't get as hurt as I know I will.

I'm not sure how to feel, as you keep telling me how much you don't want. And when feelings of jealousy or sadness encroach, I don't even know if I have the right to be feeling them, as I'm not your proper girlfriend... just something that 'happened'...

It's draining being on the defensive all the time, and I have wanted to end this many times, but have a feeling it's not quite the right time yet...

I think I'm finding a balance now, where I can understand, and be patient, as you've made very clear you're not in this for the long-run.

Still hurts though.

I guess, as you so rightly said, it's a learning process for both of us, and for myself, I think, karma for what has been.

Nice surprises

I was stunned last night - very pleasantly stunned, when my gf, upon hearing what a bad day I was having, turned up at my apartment at just past midnight, to comfort me. A lovely surprise, and completely unexpected - made me feel really touched and awed, as I don't think anyone has shown up just to comfort me in a very long time.

I think I was so surprised, as she has constantly warned me not to expect much from her at all, which I haven't, as I know she can only give so much with the emotional space she is in right now.

It meant a lot. I'm afraid to read anything else into it, as it is too soon for that. But in and of itself - I just enjoyed it for what it was.

Still taking things slowly of course, but am enjoying the journey more.

Sigh

Am having a tearful (non gf related) day today. Have cried and sobbed for the first time in 10 months or so, as the day pans out in a series of weird negative occurrences...

Emotional rawness to this degree is not good.

Here's hoping I can write it out soon.

Now to put my mask back on, and go tackle the bank, who have seemed to mess up my account spectacularly today...

Here's hoping things look better soon, and the walk to the bank will do me some good...

Eyes wide open

Over the last couple of years, as a late bloomer, I have slowly slotted into my newly embraced sexuality as a lesbian.

Now, in a lesbian relationship, I suddenly find I'm more in tune to lesbian oriented things than I ever was before. For example, lesbian movies or shows or books that I have seen or read in the past suddenly have a whole level of new meaning, now that I feel more in touch with myself. Reminds me of a favourite Will and Grace episode with Chloe Sevigne, where her and her lesbian real estate partner were described by Karen as "Thier powers are heightened because they don't sleep with men..." or someting like that.

Thank-you Anon...

And in response to Anon, who made the much welcomed, wise and extremely helpful comment that I was hoping for... I will repeat my response here:

"Thank-you. You're absolutely right, and your advice sounds like it would work extremely well for me.

Would you believe I have been eyeing up a journal, and already have the fabulous pen at hand?

Exercising after journaling is a very sensible nugget of advice too - I've been trying to decide between the gym or yoga (unfortunately, health problems restrict how much I can run, if at all).

In all, thank-you. I did actually brave it and have that dramatic conversation, and it actually turned out quite well - we have both opened up more after we discussed both of our issues, and are now approaching things in a healthier way. I no longer feel the urge to overwhelm or push for intimacy, and she has taken 2 steps towards me instead of 10 steps back. I really would like to take things slowly, just to see where I'm going, and not worry about my feelings all the time. Something I somehow feel more able to do after we spoke and chilled out by the beach over the weekend...

It's nice... I know it's not forever, but I also know I'm enjoying myself now, with not so much self-imposed pressure and understandable back-off from her...

Here's hoping eh...?"

Thoughts...

I have just been reading a post on a forum about 'Taking things slowly', and realised how I really feel now...

For me at the moment, having a lack of intimacy is very hard to deal with. I don't mind taking things slowly, but there are times where I need that contact, and being kept at arms length can be quite difficult. I'm usually used to connecting with people at an emotional level quite early on, but this time around, things seem more intellectual and physical than anything else.

I think that's what's been troubling me really.

I keep prodding my emotional self to see how I feel with being kept at arm's length all the time, and catering to friends and social life without any time to connect, and to be honest, it's cutting me up inside.

I'm such an empathetic person, that working behind this many barriers seems to be damaging me inside more than I can bear at this point.

That's why I keep coming up with a blank, because her emotional barriers are so strong...

Can I hold out until she feels safe enough to let them down?

Or do I take it that because she doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to begin with, and I feel so out of sorts too, that maybe it's just not meant to be...?

Gawd, when did I ever get to be so needy?

Odd...

It's been an odd time on the relationship front for me of late.

First there were the feelings of jealousy, when my girlfriend so obviously was infatuated with my friend, and now, after my friend has gone, myself and my gf have had a talk, and decided to keep things more on a 'dating' basis than a 'relationship' front. She's had a lot of emotional scarring from a previous bad breakup, and has admitted to me that she is scared of becoming too intense with things between us.

I agreed to take things slowly, as I could see that she is hurting and emotionally fragile right now, and I do like her, but...

Something doesn't quite feel right... I can't put my finger on it, but whenever I ask myself how I feel about all of this, I come up with a blank.

This worries me, as I am used to knowing how I feel about people I am seeing, and everything seems so up in the air right now.

She invited me to a birthday dinner tonite, with her friends, and now has cancelled, since her friend has changed venues, and now says that she wants to spend time with one of her friends alone, and just have Saturday evening, and Sunday with me.

This has really upset me again, as I keep feeling that I'm being shoved to one side for her friends, family, work etc., while she races around doing things with them... It scares me, as I don't even feel that I know her that well, and it makes me upset because I feel as if I am being kept at arm's length all the time - she said to me on Sunday, when I suggested that we stop things, and just be friends, if she wasn't sure how she was feeling, that she didn't want to stop seeing me, because she said that she had never met anyone like me before, and that she was scared of giving up on us, when it might turn out to be wonderful in the end. I could understand, but it also made me feel a bit like an exotic treat that you are curious about, and admire from time to time when you're not busy, but otherwise got on with your life while it was left on the shelf.

Is that selfish of me to say that?

I don't know.

It is how I feel though.

I don't think I can cope with a relationship/dating like this. I don't think I do 'second best' very well...

There is also the guilt factor, where in the back of my mind, my mind says this is karma for what I put my ex through - all the suffering that he has had to endure due to me breaking up with him how I did, is now coming back to me in the form of a screwy relationship, and maybe I should just swallow it.

Sigh.

But should I?

I don't know...

She did explain re. tonite that she didn't want me to suffer from the emotional fall-out of her feeling PMS-y and vulnerable, but you know, I actually wouldn't have minded - isn't that what girlfriends do for each other?

I guess it's time for another intense chat over the weekend - see if we can get anywhere with this, and if I can sort out how I'm feeling...

I guess no-one ever said it was easy, huh?