I have been pretty ill all this week. My boss was diagnosed with adult whooping cough, and sadly, after spending most of last week in meetings with him, it seems I have caught it too...
Sigh.
I'm not usually too bothered about being ill, but the constant coughing, mixed in with my asthma, has meant I have been up most nights alternately choking and coughing, and then waking up in the morning with bruised ribs...
Not good.
I will have been to the doctors three times this week - first for a consult, then a blood test, and now tomorrow, will go to the asthma review clinic - here's hoping things will get a little better soon...
Amidst being sickly and working a lot, the one really wonderful highlight to my entire week was a message and then really lovely video dedication I received from one of my favourite Youtube music video artists Vc620. After reading my blog last Friday, where I really just poured my heart out over how sad I have been feeling of late, V put together one of the loveliest and most magical Nikki & Helen music videos that I have had the pleasure of viewing in a very long time, all with my favourite tender kiss between them towards the end of the video, and a sweet dedication in the final frames to cheer me up... Wow. I was both moved and awed, as it was almost like V had looked into my heart and mind, and seen that I really needed to know that out there, somewhere, was a couple like Nikki & Helen, who balanced each other just in the way that I needed to be balanced at that point...
Nikki in some ways mirrors me, in being someone who fiercely stands up for what she believes in, is good at reading people, but also holds a barrier around her heart to protect the sensitivity hidden inside... once she has opened Helen's eyes to her love, she finds that she needs Helen, someone with the same gentle strength and determination as Helen when she chips away at Nikki's self-imposed barriers to the fierce and warm and true love underneath...to make her believe that she is worth fighting for, that she has a hope of being free, that they have a hope of being together...
I really needed to know that... to know that the dark place I have been in for a while now, will not always be there... that someone cares... Thank-you V, for your wonderful gift:
Thursday, 31 May 2007
Saturday, 26 May 2007
24 hours
Sometimes I really feel gobsmacked at the way things can turn themselves around for the better, when you least suspect they will, and so desperately need them to.
After a pretty crappy day, I had a lovely unexpected invite from a good friend to go out to a local gay bar, and must say that from that moment on, I have had one of the best chilled out 24 hours in a very long time.
Sometimes a good friend is invaluable for helping get you over the blues. 24 hours of dancing, resting, talking, geeking out and eating posh hamburgers with a good ice cream and coffee kick for desert is great therapy for the soul...
Am feeling so much better. Gives me faith that the universe is really listening when it's able too...
After a pretty crappy day, I had a lovely unexpected invite from a good friend to go out to a local gay bar, and must say that from that moment on, I have had one of the best chilled out 24 hours in a very long time.
Sometimes a good friend is invaluable for helping get you over the blues. 24 hours of dancing, resting, talking, geeking out and eating posh hamburgers with a good ice cream and coffee kick for desert is great therapy for the soul...
Am feeling so much better. Gives me faith that the universe is really listening when it's able too...
Friday, 25 May 2007
Feelings
I feel so unbelievably crap right now, it's taking every breath to concentrate on not bursting into tears.
I've held back thinking and feeling too seriously about just how much crap I am in for such a long time, that it now seems to be finally pushing away at the feebly supported walls I've built around my emotions.
I'm good at coping - that's what I do. Shit happens, and I take a step back and analyse it, figure out how to deal with it, and somehow pull through to the other side.
Nowadays though, with so much falling to pieces in terms of my break-up last September, rental worries, financial worries, and also coping with my evolving sexuality - things just seem to be looming over me, and I can't really pretend I can handle it anymore...
I need someone to talk to that can listen and somehow understand it in the context of my sexuality and the general ups and downs and worries of living life in the environment I am currently living it in.
It's great to have R at work, and we get each other to some extent, but the fact that I haven't come out to her or anyone else at work because of how confused I have been feeling, means that a lot of the time I don't feel comfortable sharing everything with her. I am also constantly worrying about how everyone's attitudes will change towards me when I come out - not sure if I can cope. At first I was, but at the moment, I really don't know.
I was thinking of going to the GB Depression Support Group, but unfortunately they are not meeting this weekend. Which leaves me at a loss really, as that would have been the one place I would have felt at ease about talking to someone about how awful I feel at the moment, with my sexuality issues thrown in...
I guess unless I really make myself go out this weekend, some tears will be shed, and a lot of soul-searching will be done too... I just really don't have the energy to deal with anything this weekend. I know that I will have to go flat hunting soon, to get myself out of the complete financial rut I am in right now, and I know that I will have to do some work on some websites too, and try and hold it together for my mother too, who is so very worried about me, and bless her, is trying so damned hard to be supportive throughout all of this. I really don't know what I would have done without her.
God, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it all...
Sigh.
I feel so crap.
Could really do with a hug.
I could really do with just sitting in a dark room and sobbing my heart out for a few hours.
I feel like Issy lying on the floor with her whole world falling apart post Denny, in Grey's Anatomy's season 3 premier on Living TV last night.
I know what I should logically do, and how to do it, but my coping mechanisms just want to cry, and cry and cry before they can do anything at all.
Kinda sucks.
Am gonna go for a walk.
---
An hour later, and I'm back from that walk. I spoke to my mum on the phone for a bit, and feel a little better. Not quite so teary-eyed (well not until I get home and relax a bit anyway). My mum let me know that it is okay to want to cry sometimes, and that you don't have to be strong all the time - a habit that I need to try and ease a bit (the trying to be strong all the time part). I didn't feel so helpless then... she's a wonderful woman - still my hero.
Everything hasn't miraculously gotten better, and I still feel like crap, and like I need counselling of some sort... the edges are a little less raw... which will get me through the rest of the working day without turning into a crying, messy wreck.. a good start...
Here's hoping things'll get better...
I've held back thinking and feeling too seriously about just how much crap I am in for such a long time, that it now seems to be finally pushing away at the feebly supported walls I've built around my emotions.
I'm good at coping - that's what I do. Shit happens, and I take a step back and analyse it, figure out how to deal with it, and somehow pull through to the other side.
Nowadays though, with so much falling to pieces in terms of my break-up last September, rental worries, financial worries, and also coping with my evolving sexuality - things just seem to be looming over me, and I can't really pretend I can handle it anymore...
I need someone to talk to that can listen and somehow understand it in the context of my sexuality and the general ups and downs and worries of living life in the environment I am currently living it in.
It's great to have R at work, and we get each other to some extent, but the fact that I haven't come out to her or anyone else at work because of how confused I have been feeling, means that a lot of the time I don't feel comfortable sharing everything with her. I am also constantly worrying about how everyone's attitudes will change towards me when I come out - not sure if I can cope. At first I was, but at the moment, I really don't know.
I was thinking of going to the GB Depression Support Group, but unfortunately they are not meeting this weekend. Which leaves me at a loss really, as that would have been the one place I would have felt at ease about talking to someone about how awful I feel at the moment, with my sexuality issues thrown in...
I guess unless I really make myself go out this weekend, some tears will be shed, and a lot of soul-searching will be done too... I just really don't have the energy to deal with anything this weekend. I know that I will have to go flat hunting soon, to get myself out of the complete financial rut I am in right now, and I know that I will have to do some work on some websites too, and try and hold it together for my mother too, who is so very worried about me, and bless her, is trying so damned hard to be supportive throughout all of this. I really don't know what I would have done without her.
God, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it all...
Sigh.
I feel so crap.
Could really do with a hug.
I could really do with just sitting in a dark room and sobbing my heart out for a few hours.
I feel like Issy lying on the floor with her whole world falling apart post Denny, in Grey's Anatomy's season 3 premier on Living TV last night.
I know what I should logically do, and how to do it, but my coping mechanisms just want to cry, and cry and cry before they can do anything at all.
Kinda sucks.
Am gonna go for a walk.
---
An hour later, and I'm back from that walk. I spoke to my mum on the phone for a bit, and feel a little better. Not quite so teary-eyed (well not until I get home and relax a bit anyway). My mum let me know that it is okay to want to cry sometimes, and that you don't have to be strong all the time - a habit that I need to try and ease a bit (the trying to be strong all the time part). I didn't feel so helpless then... she's a wonderful woman - still my hero.
Everything hasn't miraculously gotten better, and I still feel like crap, and like I need counselling of some sort... the edges are a little less raw... which will get me through the rest of the working day without turning into a crying, messy wreck.. a good start...
Here's hoping things'll get better...
Sunday, 20 May 2007
Thoughts...
I was thinking about my previous post yesterday, and of how whingey I sounded. I was also thinking about why the hell I'm so reluctant to make the first move with C. And deep down, I do know why.
It's because she is so very close to how my previous ex was, just with that little bit extra of the things I always wished I my ex had, but sadly didn't. She looks quite similar, same height, similar hair style, a sweet intelligence. And yet in a different way, she's got a lovely bit of adventure and imagination, willingness to learn new things and travel... She also has lived abroad for a while, owns her own place, and yet, in a similar way to my ex, has very long eyelashes and beautiful big brown eyes, and a very endearing way about her when she's nervous - she's very easy for me to read, and like my ex, I do just want to hold her and tell her it's gonna be okay.
But then. I don't.
And I find myself getting annoyed when she doesn't step forward and make decisions, hasn't made a subtle move on me, seems worried about a lot of little things that set off alarm bells in my head, so that I start worrying about being the main decision maker in a relationship that hasn't really even started properly... Something that I've done all my life with various people close to me, and at this stage...really don't want to have to slip into all over again... It's like this time round, I want the dynamics to change, I really don't want to be the babysitter anymore...
Yet, with C, warning bells about the above are going off all the time, and I know, deep down in my gut, that I really want a strong woman. Someone with a slight edge to her personality. Someone I don't feel the need to rescue and tell them it's gonna be alright, but someone who will look at me, the real me, and will want to take care of me. Someone to hold me, and share the strength in the relationship. Who will recognise my strengths at nurturing, but will have a good measure of strength of their own, and be able to lend me that when I need it... a bit like Luce in Imagine Me & You, when she tells Rachel that she wants her, but seeing the turmoil she is in, Luce hugs Rachel to her, and tells her it's going to be okay, and never to forget her... strength and tenderness, and an inherent understanding... strength and backbone, and wisdom, like Helen in Bad Girls... that whole Nikki + Helen relationship just shows it all for me. The dynamics, the balance, the strong characters, the stubbornness, the tenderness... Obviously, I wouldn't want to end up in prison, but the relationship itself speaks volumes to my heart, my soul...(see below)
So... I guess that's why on some level, I haven't made the first move with C - I keep figuring, my goodness, she's been an out lesbian for the last 14 years, and yet she's struggling to make the first move? I want someone who has that little extra confidence to pull me gently to one side, look me in the eye, tell me how she feels, and kiss me gently. Someone to court me, woo me, seduce me, actually phone me, leave me suggestive messages, and hold my hand... My god, I'm a hopeless romantic, and my head's probably way to far in the clouds, but hey, I see that going on a lot between women when I go out to gay venues, so... I don't reckon it's too much to ask...
And you know, I've realised after a while, that I really don't have a type in looks/style so to speak, just in strength of personality, so a strong butch, or a strong femme would be wonderful... It's the strength and the tenderness I'm looking for... someone who's not afraid to show how she feels...
Someone...
Yes...nobody said it was easy...
It's because she is so very close to how my previous ex was, just with that little bit extra of the things I always wished I my ex had, but sadly didn't. She looks quite similar, same height, similar hair style, a sweet intelligence. And yet in a different way, she's got a lovely bit of adventure and imagination, willingness to learn new things and travel... She also has lived abroad for a while, owns her own place, and yet, in a similar way to my ex, has very long eyelashes and beautiful big brown eyes, and a very endearing way about her when she's nervous - she's very easy for me to read, and like my ex, I do just want to hold her and tell her it's gonna be okay.
But then. I don't.
And I find myself getting annoyed when she doesn't step forward and make decisions, hasn't made a subtle move on me, seems worried about a lot of little things that set off alarm bells in my head, so that I start worrying about being the main decision maker in a relationship that hasn't really even started properly... Something that I've done all my life with various people close to me, and at this stage...really don't want to have to slip into all over again... It's like this time round, I want the dynamics to change, I really don't want to be the babysitter anymore...
Yet, with C, warning bells about the above are going off all the time, and I know, deep down in my gut, that I really want a strong woman. Someone with a slight edge to her personality. Someone I don't feel the need to rescue and tell them it's gonna be alright, but someone who will look at me, the real me, and will want to take care of me. Someone to hold me, and share the strength in the relationship. Who will recognise my strengths at nurturing, but will have a good measure of strength of their own, and be able to lend me that when I need it... a bit like Luce in Imagine Me & You, when she tells Rachel that she wants her, but seeing the turmoil she is in, Luce hugs Rachel to her, and tells her it's going to be okay, and never to forget her... strength and tenderness, and an inherent understanding... strength and backbone, and wisdom, like Helen in Bad Girls... that whole Nikki + Helen relationship just shows it all for me. The dynamics, the balance, the strong characters, the stubbornness, the tenderness... Obviously, I wouldn't want to end up in prison, but the relationship itself speaks volumes to my heart, my soul...(see below)
So... I guess that's why on some level, I haven't made the first move with C - I keep figuring, my goodness, she's been an out lesbian for the last 14 years, and yet she's struggling to make the first move? I want someone who has that little extra confidence to pull me gently to one side, look me in the eye, tell me how she feels, and kiss me gently. Someone to court me, woo me, seduce me, actually phone me, leave me suggestive messages, and hold my hand... My god, I'm a hopeless romantic, and my head's probably way to far in the clouds, but hey, I see that going on a lot between women when I go out to gay venues, so... I don't reckon it's too much to ask...
And you know, I've realised after a while, that I really don't have a type in looks/style so to speak, just in strength of personality, so a strong butch, or a strong femme would be wonderful... It's the strength and the tenderness I'm looking for... someone who's not afraid to show how she feels...
Someone...
Yes...nobody said it was easy...
Saturday, 19 May 2007
Not quite yet...
I was so down on Monday... so very down, that I almost burst into tears when my lovely colleague sent me a bear-hug emoticon over our work Skype network. Her and I are both going through a hard time, and have been trying to cheer each other up, which has been good for both of us, I think...
She is very straight, so my thinking doesn't even enter that area, but at the same time, it's so nice for us to have this good friendship, even when I'm feeling so crap and vulnerable...we both get how that feels...which is kinda of cool.
Anyway, I went and hid in the library for a while during my lunchtime, and wrote a letter to God... I wrote all of my feelings out, and then wrote a letter to God, asking him for a few things...and apologising for feeling so crappy and weak... I have been told occasionally, that if you put what you want in life, out into the ether, and vocalise it..it will eventually be picked up by the universe, and in some way or other, the universe will get it back to you... So who knows...
She is very straight, so my thinking doesn't even enter that area, but at the same time, it's so nice for us to have this good friendship, even when I'm feeling so crap and vulnerable...we both get how that feels...which is kinda of cool.
Anyway, I went and hid in the library for a while during my lunchtime, and wrote a letter to God... I wrote all of my feelings out, and then wrote a letter to God, asking him for a few things...and apologising for feeling so crappy and weak... I have been told occasionally, that if you put what you want in life, out into the ether, and vocalise it..it will eventually be picked up by the universe, and in some way or other, the universe will get it back to you... So who knows...
Sunday, 6 May 2007
Days and dreams...
I have been having the loveliest, most languid dreams of late....where more often than not, I am being gently, but thoroughly courted and then slowly and deliberately kissed by a warm, funny, intelligent and soft woman...
I'm not sure where this is all coming from...well, apart from a deep need I have to find that special someone I guess... It certainly has crept up on me though, as I had all but given up on finding her...after the many different false starts and stops I have had of late...
Perhaps it is my subconsciousness's way of diverting my mind away from my money worries at the moment, where after the huge rent I pay, and then all the bills, I'm pretty much surviving on a wing and a prayer lately... so much, that I am considering selling or storing most of my furniture and down-sizing from a 1 bed flat, to a smaller studio apartment to see if I can at least live a little without worrying every moment that I only have £150 to last me the rest of the month after all the bills have been paid...
There aren't that many good studio flats on the market as yet, but from looking last year, they seem to come out in force around July-August time, so I will keep looking, and give my notice to the landlord as soon as I find one...
In the meanwhile, I'm contemplating putting together my own Zen-Cart template website and making some money that way (in addition to selling stuff on eBay and Amazon of course)... I've got the next few days off, and have downloaded some templates to interrogate and convert into my own downloadable designs... so who knows... I might have some income coming in soon, if I get my finger out seriously enough...
Anyway, a wonderful distraction of late has been some wonderful music videos made by a very talented Youtube artist called 'Vc620'. She has a wonderful knack for putting together the best Nikki/Helen (Bad Girls) music videos I've ever seen. Her latest, with Sarah McLachlan's 'Push' as a soundtrack, is just beautiful... The way that Helen looks at Nikki throughout this video, and the very soft and tender kiss towards the end of the music video is very much how my dreams have been of late... Ahhhh...to have a woman look at me that way, with such warm and avid affection in her eyes, and to be kissed so softly and tenderly... no wonder my dreams are so wonderfully painted that way of late... ;-)
I'm not sure where this is all coming from...well, apart from a deep need I have to find that special someone I guess... It certainly has crept up on me though, as I had all but given up on finding her...after the many different false starts and stops I have had of late...
Perhaps it is my subconsciousness's way of diverting my mind away from my money worries at the moment, where after the huge rent I pay, and then all the bills, I'm pretty much surviving on a wing and a prayer lately... so much, that I am considering selling or storing most of my furniture and down-sizing from a 1 bed flat, to a smaller studio apartment to see if I can at least live a little without worrying every moment that I only have £150 to last me the rest of the month after all the bills have been paid...
There aren't that many good studio flats on the market as yet, but from looking last year, they seem to come out in force around July-August time, so I will keep looking, and give my notice to the landlord as soon as I find one...
In the meanwhile, I'm contemplating putting together my own Zen-Cart template website and making some money that way (in addition to selling stuff on eBay and Amazon of course)... I've got the next few days off, and have downloaded some templates to interrogate and convert into my own downloadable designs... so who knows... I might have some income coming in soon, if I get my finger out seriously enough...
Anyway, a wonderful distraction of late has been some wonderful music videos made by a very talented Youtube artist called 'Vc620'. She has a wonderful knack for putting together the best Nikki/Helen (Bad Girls) music videos I've ever seen. Her latest, with Sarah McLachlan's 'Push' as a soundtrack, is just beautiful... The way that Helen looks at Nikki throughout this video, and the very soft and tender kiss towards the end of the music video is very much how my dreams have been of late... Ahhhh...to have a woman look at me that way, with such warm and avid affection in her eyes, and to be kissed so softly and tenderly... no wonder my dreams are so wonderfully painted that way of late... ;-)
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