I'm going to stop posting soon, as I really need to start putting that shelving together/put some more washing in the washer dryer/wash and do my hair/have a bath - before it gets too late.
But...here's another realisation I had the other night...after going to quite a few gay bars and events of late, I suddenly came to the realisation, that after years of agonising, I seem to have slipped into the Lesbian scene really easily... it just feels natural, you know? Like I have been here all along. Like these are my people. I really should be more freaked out by it all, but standing in a bar packed full of Lesbians who were all dancing, kissing, chatting, and having a good time... I never once felt "Oh my god, I'm surrounded by Lesbians!". I just felt like I was surrounded by my people. It just felt so natural.
It just feels like coming home.
Hence my dream last night.
Inner acceptance.
It feels...
Good.
I am at peace.
Sunday, 25 February 2007
My subconscious
I had a strange, but comforting dream last night...
I was platonically lying in bed and talking with 3 people. The person on my right was making questioning remarks about gay people, and I said "Oh, I dunno, I don't see being a Lesbian as being so bad...maybe you shouldn't judge...?".
When that person had left, the other person gave me a soft, loose hug, and looked at me questioningly, and maintaining constant, searching eye contact, she said "...You know what you said before..? About it not being so bad for someone to be a Lesbian...? Can I ask? Are you a Lesbian...?".
Now I have never been asked that directly before, either in real life, or in a dream, but I held her gaze, and said, feeling strangely at peace with myself, "Yes, I am a Lesbian".
The dream paused for a moment, much like those instances in a movie, where everything starts to move in slow motion, and time just floats along at a slower pace for a few heartbeats. Still holding my gaze, the other woman smiled, and said, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that".
---
Now, when I woke up, I strangely remembered that dream (I don't usually), and realised, that at last, at very long last, after years of agonising, it looks like my sub conscious has accepted that I am a true, full blown, no turning back, and completely happy with myself, Lesbian.
The last moments of my dream, where the other woman smiles after I affirm that I am a true Lesbian and says, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that". Is much like my true self affirming and positively accepting who I am.
Wow. Weird, but I am so pleased. Happy. Reassured.
This would be great fodder for therapy, if I ever was in therapy.
It's nice to know that my inner self accepts me at last.
I was platonically lying in bed and talking with 3 people. The person on my right was making questioning remarks about gay people, and I said "Oh, I dunno, I don't see being a Lesbian as being so bad...maybe you shouldn't judge...?".
When that person had left, the other person gave me a soft, loose hug, and looked at me questioningly, and maintaining constant, searching eye contact, she said "...You know what you said before..? About it not being so bad for someone to be a Lesbian...? Can I ask? Are you a Lesbian...?".
Now I have never been asked that directly before, either in real life, or in a dream, but I held her gaze, and said, feeling strangely at peace with myself, "Yes, I am a Lesbian".
The dream paused for a moment, much like those instances in a movie, where everything starts to move in slow motion, and time just floats along at a slower pace for a few heartbeats. Still holding my gaze, the other woman smiled, and said, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that".
---
Now, when I woke up, I strangely remembered that dream (I don't usually), and realised, that at last, at very long last, after years of agonising, it looks like my sub conscious has accepted that I am a true, full blown, no turning back, and completely happy with myself, Lesbian.
The last moments of my dream, where the other woman smiles after I affirm that I am a true Lesbian and says, "I'm glad. I have waited a long time to hear you say that". Is much like my true self affirming and positively accepting who I am.
Wow. Weird, but I am so pleased. Happy. Reassured.
This would be great fodder for therapy, if I ever was in therapy.
It's nice to know that my inner self accepts me at last.
Noisy computers...
It's weird...after only having access to my supremely quiet Toshiba laptop over this last month, both at work (when my old work laptop clonked out), and at home, while my main desktop PC was all packed up during the move... I was really surprised when I turned on my old desktop PC earlier last week, to find that it was so incredibly noisy... to the point that I was relieved when I finally switched it off!
Now I've always had a bug bear about noisy PCs, more so, when I got my new Toshiba Satellite Pro laptop (which is almost or just as powerful as my desktop), I was blown away at just how smooth and easy it was to use...not to mention how quiet. It even played Sims 2 Pets without blinking an eye, and seemed to connect effortlessly to my wireless network - so I've been extremely happy with it.
Now, after getting over my initial shock of just how noisy my old PC is, I am shockingly considering just doing a final backup of all the important files etc. I need from my old PC, and then connecting up my laptop to my gorgeous NEC monitor, so that I can get on and do some web designing etc. for my next project (and also have the luxury of unhooking and taking the laptop to my bedroom, or on the sofa when I'm in lazy mode...).
So weird to be making so many new changes to what had become such a routine way of living over the past decade...
Scary and liberating I think...
Now I've always had a bug bear about noisy PCs, more so, when I got my new Toshiba Satellite Pro laptop (which is almost or just as powerful as my desktop), I was blown away at just how smooth and easy it was to use...not to mention how quiet. It even played Sims 2 Pets without blinking an eye, and seemed to connect effortlessly to my wireless network - so I've been extremely happy with it.
Now, after getting over my initial shock of just how noisy my old PC is, I am shockingly considering just doing a final backup of all the important files etc. I need from my old PC, and then connecting up my laptop to my gorgeous NEC monitor, so that I can get on and do some web designing etc. for my next project (and also have the luxury of unhooking and taking the laptop to my bedroom, or on the sofa when I'm in lazy mode...).
So weird to be making so many new changes to what had become such a routine way of living over the past decade...
Scary and liberating I think...
Telewest was great - Virgin Media Sucks
After almost a month of trying to get my old Telewest account moved 100 yards down the road to my new flat, I have finally given up.
After going 3 weeks without a phone/internet connection (and obviously no cable TV), I was forced to get BT to install BT Broadband, which they were stars about, and did amazingly quickly. Now, after having virtually no response from Virgin Media, and being short on cash, I've decided to stuff it, and ring up and cancel my subscription with them, as they have been so incredibly crap at sorting things out for me, in what should have been such an easy change.
Instead, I am seriously considering getting a recordable Freeview box, and just downloading any extra stuff that I want to watch (like Heroes, Grey's Anatomy and Smallville), off of Bit Torrent and Youtube. It'll save me £80 - 91 a month, and that's money I seriously need right now...
Now just to find a decent dual tuner recordable freeview box that has a decent epg that will let me record whole series of things at the click of a button, and possible download those recordings onto my laptop so that I can make some music videos... I'll be ordering it on LX Direct though, as I can't afford to buy it outright at this stage...
Hmmm...wonder what I'll choose... Topfield comes to mind, but it's not on LX Direct, thus not affordable... Of to do some research...
After going 3 weeks without a phone/internet connection (and obviously no cable TV), I was forced to get BT to install BT Broadband, which they were stars about, and did amazingly quickly. Now, after having virtually no response from Virgin Media, and being short on cash, I've decided to stuff it, and ring up and cancel my subscription with them, as they have been so incredibly crap at sorting things out for me, in what should have been such an easy change.
Instead, I am seriously considering getting a recordable Freeview box, and just downloading any extra stuff that I want to watch (like Heroes, Grey's Anatomy and Smallville), off of Bit Torrent and Youtube. It'll save me £80 - 91 a month, and that's money I seriously need right now...
Now just to find a decent dual tuner recordable freeview box that has a decent epg that will let me record whole series of things at the click of a button, and possible download those recordings onto my laptop so that I can make some music videos... I'll be ordering it on LX Direct though, as I can't afford to buy it outright at this stage...
Hmmm...wonder what I'll choose... Topfield comes to mind, but it's not on LX Direct, thus not affordable... Of to do some research...
"Breathe Me..." : Help...I have done it again...
It's been an odd month this month... I've been out quite a few times with a Canadian friend I met at an ex-straights group meet back last November. It's weird, I just don't fancy her, but she is absolutely gorgeous, and we click on every other level except for the attraction thing. We went out to a gay bar in North London on Friday night, and it was pretty cool. Did some funky cheesy dancing, spotted a few hot chicks, and had a really deep conversation with her, where she gave me quite a few lovely compliments, saying that I was funny, gorgeous, intelligent, kind and had a beautiful smile...and I didn't know how to take it...it felt like a warm, lovely friend was giving me a real wonderful ego boost just when I needed it, and I was touched... Just confused, as she is so my type, but I just feel like we're sisters - which I think is how she feels, so I'm just gonna be relieved and enjoy the friendship.
While I was there though, I bumped into the woman who I was deeply attracted to at the beginning of this month, and whom I finally gave up on, when she sent one sentence messages to my emails asking if she'd like to go to an exhibition together outside of the exhibition club. After her last dismissive email, I just decided that as sexy as she was, I really was just not that desperate to be treated like shit, and just didn't reply. Anyway, when we met on the dance floor at the gay bar on Friday night, we said a few words to each other, but she didn't make a move, though came to dance by me for a few moments, and to be honest, I was so peeved at just how little regard she had previously had for me as a human being and friend, let alone romance-wise, that I was relieved when nothing happened.
I know one can't afford to be picky, even with someone who throws your libido a curve ball, but to be honest, I feel like I've gone through a lot of growing up over these past few years...and have been through too much to just settle for the general unfeeling crap that's thrown my way nowadays, so now I just learn to walk away... I think it's good for me too.
Which makes me question if I really should just withdraw my energy from all of this... My god, why can't people just communicate? What the hell is wrong with people? It's like bashing your head against a brick wall.
I try so hard not to care and give my energy to all the bullshitting and hanging around, but it hurts, you know? I'm an open, loving person naturally, but have found it really difficult to connect with people nowadays? They all seem to close up real fast, and this is when I'm just being generally friendly... Never used to happen before... It's almost like I'm wandering around in a room packed full of people, but anytime I draw near one to say 'Hello', a force field shoots up, and I'm bounced painfully off. One's ego can only take so much, you know...?
Here's hoping I meet a nice friend soon... Getting kinda lonely around here... And seriously, I don't bite...! Maybe I should emigrate...
While I was there though, I bumped into the woman who I was deeply attracted to at the beginning of this month, and whom I finally gave up on, when she sent one sentence messages to my emails asking if she'd like to go to an exhibition together outside of the exhibition club. After her last dismissive email, I just decided that as sexy as she was, I really was just not that desperate to be treated like shit, and just didn't reply. Anyway, when we met on the dance floor at the gay bar on Friday night, we said a few words to each other, but she didn't make a move, though came to dance by me for a few moments, and to be honest, I was so peeved at just how little regard she had previously had for me as a human being and friend, let alone romance-wise, that I was relieved when nothing happened.
I know one can't afford to be picky, even with someone who throws your libido a curve ball, but to be honest, I feel like I've gone through a lot of growing up over these past few years...and have been through too much to just settle for the general unfeeling crap that's thrown my way nowadays, so now I just learn to walk away... I think it's good for me too.
Which makes me question if I really should just withdraw my energy from all of this... My god, why can't people just communicate? What the hell is wrong with people? It's like bashing your head against a brick wall.
I try so hard not to care and give my energy to all the bullshitting and hanging around, but it hurts, you know? I'm an open, loving person naturally, but have found it really difficult to connect with people nowadays? They all seem to close up real fast, and this is when I'm just being generally friendly... Never used to happen before... It's almost like I'm wandering around in a room packed full of people, but anytime I draw near one to say 'Hello', a force field shoots up, and I'm bounced painfully off. One's ego can only take so much, you know...?
Here's hoping I meet a nice friend soon... Getting kinda lonely around here... And seriously, I don't bite...! Maybe I should emigrate...
Seeing...
I've been thinking a lot lately about how you know you've met that special someone. It hasn't happened for me in years, and even then, not in the true sense where one just 'clicks' with someone else, and you just 'know'...
To me it is like seeing someone clearly for the first time, and connecting to them on a deeper level. Really seeing them. Pulling down all those barriers that we tend to carry around with us as we go about our busy day to day lives, where we are most of the times distanced from strangers in the street, and shops, colleagues at wok and people on public transport - that layer of personal space and politeness that we tend to carry around with us on a day to day basis...
When you meet someone, who at the same time clicks with you just as much as you click with them, all those layers fall away, and it is as if you are looking at each other anew, really looking, and connecting and learning about each other at a lovely, personal pace...almost like the world around you is different from the energy in the space between you...you both are operating on your own frequency, where you are attuned to each other, and the world slows down in significance when you are both near each other...
I'm not sure I'm saying this well enough, but, on some level, I do believe that that is part of the process of falling in love, of instant chemistry that means that you both see each other and focus on each other so much more than anything else at the beginning, especially when you genuinely like that person too...
An incurable romantic...
To me it is like seeing someone clearly for the first time, and connecting to them on a deeper level. Really seeing them. Pulling down all those barriers that we tend to carry around with us as we go about our busy day to day lives, where we are most of the times distanced from strangers in the street, and shops, colleagues at wok and people on public transport - that layer of personal space and politeness that we tend to carry around with us on a day to day basis...
When you meet someone, who at the same time clicks with you just as much as you click with them, all those layers fall away, and it is as if you are looking at each other anew, really looking, and connecting and learning about each other at a lovely, personal pace...almost like the world around you is different from the energy in the space between you...you both are operating on your own frequency, where you are attuned to each other, and the world slows down in significance when you are both near each other...
I'm not sure I'm saying this well enough, but, on some level, I do believe that that is part of the process of falling in love, of instant chemistry that means that you both see each other and focus on each other so much more than anything else at the beginning, especially when you genuinely like that person too...
An incurable romantic...
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Unravel me...
You know, I never really understood Sarah McLachlan's song 'Unravel me' until I became so thoroughly unravelled myself the other week...
I was so amazed and shocked and intrigued by just how emphatically my body responded to a woman that in my mind I was undecided about, but to whom my body oh so wonderfully let me know it wanted, in no uncertain terms indeed...
And it all started with a hug.
Yes, just a simple hug that made my world stop in that small, casual moment, and then go spinning into a wonderful awakening of sweet discovery, and the solid realisation that what I had been feeling just beneath the surface for all these years, was in fact 100% and lesbianically true.
From that moment on, I have been unravelled.
I've wanted to shout it from the roof tops, to run after her and thank her for opening my eyes. To do and say so many things that I'd probably OD on the joy and passion, and feeling of it all.
I want to go back to that night, and have run after her, and asked her out for coffee, for anything...just to chat, even if it turned out she didn't feel the same way....
This new voyage of self-&-other-discovery...well..I just have to write about it - it's so new and special to me, that I'd hate to have it get lost in the ether while other things rush along and swamp it with the goings on of life...
Here's hoping once I have my internet connection back in a few weeks, that I can blog a bit more...
Off home now, to unpack...
I was so amazed and shocked and intrigued by just how emphatically my body responded to a woman that in my mind I was undecided about, but to whom my body oh so wonderfully let me know it wanted, in no uncertain terms indeed...
And it all started with a hug.
Yes, just a simple hug that made my world stop in that small, casual moment, and then go spinning into a wonderful awakening of sweet discovery, and the solid realisation that what I had been feeling just beneath the surface for all these years, was in fact 100% and lesbianically true.
From that moment on, I have been unravelled.
I've wanted to shout it from the roof tops, to run after her and thank her for opening my eyes. To do and say so many things that I'd probably OD on the joy and passion, and feeling of it all.
I want to go back to that night, and have run after her, and asked her out for coffee, for anything...just to chat, even if it turned out she didn't feel the same way....
This new voyage of self-&-other-discovery...well..I just have to write about it - it's so new and special to me, that I'd hate to have it get lost in the ether while other things rush along and swamp it with the goings on of life...
Here's hoping once I have my internet connection back in a few weeks, that I can blog a bit more...
Off home now, to unpack...
Truthes and...
The lyrics, and the way the music video below is arranged, in parts, is a lyrical version of my life over the last year, but...well, as beautiful as the movie is, I didn't cheat - I got out before that could happen, so I'd have a chance to find my Luce without the cheating part...
It still hurt, me and my ex (especially my ex)... Leaving...and being honest with myself that I no longer felt what I thought I should be feeling, and acknowledging that my true self needed to be elsewhere. The realisation of that, and having to leave and hurt my ex, hurt more than anything I've ever had to do. And I live with that guilt every day... But well, I'm glad I did leave...
Now... just to find her... and I know in my heart, that she is out there... weird, but I know, even though I haven't met her yet... there's just something...
Anyway, this is my fave Imagine Me & You music vid by far... shame I can't find Shawn Covin's version of 'Never Saw Blue Like That' on iTunes yet...
It still hurt, me and my ex (especially my ex)... Leaving...and being honest with myself that I no longer felt what I thought I should be feeling, and acknowledging that my true self needed to be elsewhere. The realisation of that, and having to leave and hurt my ex, hurt more than anything I've ever had to do. And I live with that guilt every day... But well, I'm glad I did leave...
Now... just to find her... and I know in my heart, that she is out there... weird, but I know, even though I haven't met her yet... there's just something...
Anyway, this is my fave Imagine Me & You music vid by far... shame I can't find Shawn Covin's version of 'Never Saw Blue Like That' on iTunes yet...
Dreams...
Life is so full of wonderful possibilities now...
The things I could do, the things I could build and create...
My mind is aflame with pictures, visions of all the things I could accomplish, the lives I could touch...
My imagination is so vivid, daydreams so rich...
My heart is hungry, my hands fidgety to be busy...
How I would like to soar...to blossom... to grow...
The things I could do, the people I could know...
The things I could do, the things I could build and create...
My mind is aflame with pictures, visions of all the things I could accomplish, the lives I could touch...
My imagination is so vivid, daydreams so rich...
My heart is hungry, my hands fidgety to be busy...
How I would like to soar...to blossom... to grow...
The things I could do, the people I could know...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)