...!

I'm such an annoying shit.

A rather lovely woman in my meditation class asked me out for a drink at a local gay bar last night, and I panicked and declined, making a swift exit.

Of course, minutes later I wish that I'd accepted, despite me feeling exhausted, and having difficulty understanding her very strong accent - I think we might have had fun.

Shakes head.

Damn, I'm such an idiot sometimes.

Meanwhile, I'm hanging on a thread again, waiting for a response from that rather irritating woman I mentioned I met at an exhibition club some months ago, who, as it happens, has asked me to go to an arts fair in Battersea this Saturday. But, after I replied with an affirmative over a week ago - I have heard nothing from her since.

Now, I'm not clingy by nature, but I do like a bit of communication, or even some friendly banter. Yet consistently now, she has made me feel like a discarded shoe, or over anxious woman who is just being dangled and swatted at by a curious but disinterested and prowling cat.

And this is coming from someone who loves cats.

It's almost like she really can't be bothered to pass the time of day with me, but is forcing herself to, to be polite. If you ask me out to something - either you want to go, and can be bothered to be at least civil. Or not.

I really could do without this shit.

My Canadian friend is so much nicer, and I don't even speak to her that often - she makes me feel like she enjoys my company, however briefly, which, I guess is what being friends is all about really.

It's infuriating, but I'm going to hang in there and just not email until Saturday morning, and only then send an email asking if she's still up for this thing, or if she can't be bothered any more. I really hate people who jerk me around - either you want to be friends or not. For gawd's sake don't leave me hanging. Have some common courtesy, even if it is just to say hello.

Actually, I am tempted to just go along anyway, even if I don't get a response. Why put myself through hell for someone who clearly is not interested and seems to thrive on playing games/is an incredibly lazy communicator.

I'll be going out on Saturday night with my Canadian buddy (purely platonic as for some insane reason, I just don't fancy her - as gorgeous as she is) - so you never know, I might meet someone so much better for me...

Deep breath.

Eyes chocolate.

Thinks about having apple instead...

Back to work....

Tired...Forgetful...

I really must be under the weather... Woke up this morning feeling really drained again, though thankfully not as achy as I have these pasty 10 days. I wouldn't mind if it was achy from having wild, hard, passionate sex with the sexy woman of my dreams, but alas, it's from a pesky flu-like virus I've been under for what seems ages now...

And then, this lunch time, convinced that I had had my lunch, I was wondering around Russel Square doing various errands, and buying my Mum's Mother's Day card and pressie, all the while wandering why I felt strangely empty if I'd already eaten... Only to find as I routed around in my bag for money to buy fruit in Waitrose, that my memory of having eaten was from yesterday! My bloomin' sandwiches were sat there snugly in my bag...! No wonder I was feeling empty...! (shakes head)

I really need to get my head out of the clouds, and pronto, otherwise I'll start making serious errors, which may turn out to be expensive...

I had to laugh though, after buying and watching the gawd awful lesbian "Do I Love You?" DVD from Foyles on Saturday, I immediately put it up on Amazon to sell, an lo and behold, I very thankfully sold it this afternoon...to a lesbian who lives about 10 minutes away from me in what they call the Lesbian Mecca of London... There really are only 3 degrees of separation in the lesbian world... ;-)

Back to work... and then to my meditation class tonight...(hope I don't fall asleep)...

Clubbing

Over the past couple of months, my experiences of going out on the Lesbian scene, and specifically to clubs in London, have brought home even more emphatically that clubbing definitely isn't for me.

Sitting here in my PJs at 4.42pm in the afternoon, bleary eyed and hung over, with only a couple of good memories of my night out last night, where at one point, I sat blissfully by myself away from the dance floor and at a table just off the bar, being one of them.

I met up with my Canadian friend, who confuses me and makes me smile, because she is so gorgeous, funny intelligent, easy to talk to and so my type, and yet I'm just not attracted to her - I kind of prod myself in wonder every so often, but end up feeling pleased that I have such a cool friend, rather than agonise over the non-attraction.

We both deliberately dressed down last night - it wasn't pre-arranged, but we both surprised each other by turning up with no make-up and looking marginally casual and scruffy. We grinned and proceeded to the Lesbian bar, hidden in the City, under an old bridge, and in the heart of the Money district.

I wanted to cheer with delight, as we asked the bouncer if we were at the right place, and he looked us both over and said with a straight guy's smug and derisive grin and shake of his head "Oh yes, you're at the right place." It was like, we both looked so dykey, a Lesbian bar was the only place we could possibly be going to! I know I should have been offended, but I was so pleased! It was like I had earned my first Dykey badge of honour!

The bit of lipstick I wear, with my hair pulled back to work everyday means that on more than one occasion, I am leered at by straight guys, but not often enough by lesbians. At times, I feel I don't even exist as a 'proper' lesbian in the gay world, even when I have been out to clubs with friends before...

But this time, I must have had the full on 'lesbian-vibe' thing going on. And again, when walking by myself, back to catch the night bus home outside of the station. A very drunk middle class white guy came rolling up to me, asking if I had a friend (obviously I wasn't pretty enough for his lascivious tastes, but I certainly didn't mind), and then he looked at me a bit more closely, and said "Or should I be asking...do you have a girlfriend I can chat to?" and laughed. Now again, I should've been offended, but gave him a good natured grin instead, because lo and behold, even without my Canadian friend, I was looking dykey, and to a straight white guy! I was so proud!

I know, I know... this all sounds very lame, but gawd, it felt liberating. :D

Anyway, back to the clubbing thing. I dunno, even when I was back in high school, I would get really bored when I went out clubbing. Don't get me wrong, I can dance with the best of them, but somehow, dancing for hours and drinking just doesn't really do it for me. I get bored incredibly quickly, and would rather be out to dinner with a bunch of friends, drinking a few bottles of wine, and having a good natured chat and laugh discussing all the lesbian dramas going on in everyone's lives.

My Canadian friend is great company though, and I did enjoy fielding the two interested girls she had chasing her. She is gorgeous, and a lot braver than me. I felt like a good natured sister, and actually quite proud of her in a non-patronising way. I'd love to keep her on as a friend, even though she will be going home soon - we'll have to meet up in Vancouver or New Foundland and go out to a few places there for old time's sake.

Am now back home, and getting ready to have a lovely warm bath and watch Shipwrecked, and then Lost & Delirious while I do my hair. I've always wanted to see Piper Perabo in a stronger role than she was in, in Imagine Me & You, and since becoming obssessed with the gorgeous story (and of course Lena Headey) in Imagine Me & You, I'm interested to see Piper in a less girly role. I've been assured by friends that she is almost unrecognisable in a very good way - so I'm looking forward to it.

Then it's back to putting up some of my old techie stuff on eBay, to make up for the £100 I spent on Saturday on books, DVDs, and clubbing. I so need the extra cash, especially in the coming months, with the price of rent for this new place being so high, and me definitely wanting to travel to the US this summer. I'd better look up the dates for Easter too, so I can book some quality time off, and get a few of my business ideas in action...

Busy, busy.

;-)

An interesting result...

Something my friends hae told me over the years... Good to know at least this quiz thinks so too...

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Your EQ is 140

131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Slow motion...

Okay, some potentially mushy stuff...

While waiting (im)patiently for episode 9 of the L Word, I was watching a particularly sweet music video on Youtube this arvo, where the whole thing was shot in slow motion, showing the best parts of one of my fave movies last year...

It got me thinking about how I remember some of the best moments of my life, or little things that are important to me... do our memories play in slow motion when we remember stuff that feels special to us? I guess that's probably where the whole slow motion thing in films comes from, huh?

Treasured memories, such as a kiss, or a touch, or a special moment with loved family or friends, or just moments that have had a special impact on my life, I've noticed I replay a few times in my mind... a bit like running one's hand over warm, soft velvet, very slowly, savouring the texture, appreciating the moment...

Here is the video...

Building...

Am doing the dykey thing, and have my power tools, screws and wood out, and am putting a canvas covered shelf together so I can stash all my junk on it, and pretend to be tidy (much like Monica's hidden cupboard in Friends ;-])

Should be done soon, and then I can rest and think about dinner... Hmmm.. will have to do some food shopping soon...