Lying in bed at 3am this morning, I have been going over in my head how I have felt my life subtly and life-alteringly changing in the last year...
It's all been a long, but interestingly shifting process of transmogrification (an internally physical, mental, and or somewhat spiritual transformation...), where I have felt my inner self shift and change into what feels like a more spiritually and mentally centered 'the real me', in terms of thoughts, physical change (natural loss of weight and building of tone), strengthening of personality, sociability (being able to hold complete conversations with people and strangers, and actually talk over the phone, where I would have once shied away before), to most ultimately, a very real change and inner awareness of my inner butch self.
The more I read lesbian erotica, romances and just plain old detective novels, the more I can so much more innately identify with with the butch characters within them, the innate feelings of wanting to take care of a woman, to be the strong one (counter-balanced by a fiesty sexy femme strength), and oh so much lately appreciate all that is feminine and soft and female, and yet feel so at home standing in the men's department in a store, and running my eyes over just the right open-necked shirt, tailored blazer, waistcoat and tie that I just feel an innate need to wear when I go out to a lesbian bar or venue. I did that the other day, while waiting for my Mum to pay for her goods in a department store - just stood there and took in all the crisp linen and silk shirts all around me, and the pure joy I felt looking around at them and running my hands down the clean lines of them. I could feel my inner butch reasserting herself and breathing in a sigh of complete satisfaction in a way that she hasn't done for many, many years... since I so blindly felt the need and fear to suppress who I was in the hope of pleasing my Mum's expectations, and making the guy I was seeing at the time all those years ago happy, me not knowing or being too scared or naive to know the difference between liking someone a lot as a best friend, and not fancying the pants off of them, and mistaking that for a comfortable, though un-moving kind of love.
So many mistakes and years later, I have finally, bit by bit, let go of the constraints I put around my emotional and sexual self, and since being once again given the freedom to breathe and emotionally evolve, my inner butch seems to be gloriously asserting herself, and driving me crazy with almost constant appreciation of the beauty and lushness of women at every turn. Wonderful, and liberating, but maddening when one doesn't have a girlfriend to lavish this all on. I know, be patient, yadda, yadda. But tell that to my lusty mind that gets distracted by soft busts, soft curves and the gorgeous lines of a woman's figure when she saunters past in a smooth flowing dress, or flashes a fish-net stocking in my line of sight. I finally see what poor guys must go through every day...!(grin)
It's amazing, how I find parts of myself in the books that I have been reading... in the varied characters on board the cruise in Radclyffe & Karin Kallmaker's 'In Deep Waters', and then most prominently in my current bedside reading, 'The Perfect Valentine (Bella After Dark)', where the very subtle things mentioned in Karin Kallmaker's short story (Do Overs) just leapt off the page at me, and could really have been a description of me and how I was around a 'femme between the sheets' with one of my previous girlfriends. Then there's Dale in 'Not Single Enough', who worried about her insatiable libido, and waking her girlfriend up for the 3rd time to make love because she just couldn't get enough of her, and kind of liked being thought of the oaf that kept her up all night and put a sparkle in her eye... finally giving in to the thought that if they made love just one more time, then they'd get in enough sleep before she had to go to work, and that she could leave her girlfriend looking thoroughly lovely and sleepy in bed with breakfast and coffee in the morning... (I have been very guilty of doing and thinking all of that, so much so, it was like Kallmaker had plucked those lusty thoughts straight from my head {embarrassed, but happy smile}).
Yep, that's been me - completely hopelessly horny and romanticising for most of this holiday. I know, I'm in trouble...but hey, what can a girl do, but enjoy all these newly emerging feelings and recognition of her sexuality, and hope to learn and evolve enough so she can really indulge with her next girlfriend if she is lucky enough to meet her over the coming year...
In terms of body transformation, I feel a growing need to tone up - to eat healthier, to lose just those few extra pounds that mean that I will feel comfortable enough to cut my hair short around my oval face and effortlessly wear the type of tailored clothes that I feel so drawn to - my waist has naturally become so tiny now that I have come off of taking the contraceptive pill, and my arms so slightly more muscular, that I reckon a few hours working out at the gym a couple of times a week, coupled with some lovely long strolls may just get me where I feel my inner butch will feel so much happier being. There is a part of me that answered "Yes, that's me..." when I read Karin Kallmaker's 'Do Overs' short in 'The Perfect Valentine', when the femme, on admiring her butch's body mused how she loved seeing her butch as a strong woman "...with (full breasts), broad shoulders and muscular arms". Well, that's how my figure almost is at the moment, but softer, with some love handles and a slightly rounded tummy (3 dress sizes less from where I was a year ago), but on the way to where I'd like it to be, and would feel much more comfortable with.
And when my mind isn't stewing with lust and sensation and thoughts of all day in bed and sexy intelligent imaginative conversation with curvy femmes (I feel like a hormonic teenager!), I am so enjoying my sense of emerging spirituality and sense of self too. I have re-discovered my nomadic travelling streak, where I feel completely at ease chucking some clothes in a back-pack and hopping on a plane somewhere, staying in a no-frills hotel, and exploring and experiencing a place to pieces. I feel so much more centred now that my true self is emerging - more in tune with the world, with the uncanny coincidences that seem to happen around me so often now, with the amazingly good feeling I get from helping people, from doing a job well, from projecting my inner strength and calm when others need to be listened to, to opening up my mind, and to just feeling a little more Zen with the to the spiritual and physical world around us. I swear I was a hippy or a buddhist or something in a past life, but I must say, it's a glorious feeling to feel so in tune at times (well apart from when I have PMT, but that's a whole different, interesting, frustrating, demanding, intriguing animal all by itself).
I want to do so many things in 2008. I want to enter a Business/Entrepreneurial competition, where I get free business advice and classes, and the opportunity to win some money, confidence and ideas to help me to really go ahead and pursue my dream of starting up my own place and string of places over the years, which feels so imminently there able able to happen in my future over the next 18 months or so. I want to write, to write some fiction, some poetry, some songs, a play - all the things I have done or started to do and never actively pursued in the past because all the energy I was using to constrain all my natural sexuality and confirm to all the rules, was draining me artistically, emotionally and spiritually. Now I feel like I am finally evolving into the me I could have been, I feel like I should just let myself be, and see what of all these things I am drawn to I can do, and what I can leave to grow until I am ready/have time to nurture them with everything else going on in my life...
What I also want to do this year is downsize all my possessions, throw out a whole load of stuff, and move into a smaller 1 bedroom flat, with less rent, but also scope for me to nest and make the place my own. I also want a cat...that part of me that has wanted one and felt as if I have been missing a feline companion all these years... (yes, I'm aware of how lesbian that is, but hey, I'm evolving into one, or whatever turns out to be me).
I also want to get my plans for an online business into gear, so that I have some money coming in from a source that pays for itself... I figure that I've spent so many years making other people's websites function and look good, I may as well use this skill to help myself too, and hopefully fund a few of these lofty ideas I've been perculating and flinging around. ;0)
There is so much. So much that I know I am capable of bringing about, and of which I want to live up to for myself this year. It's a very tall order, but there never was any fun in aiming low, was there?
A slightly butcher, and hopefully as successful and slightly less fucked-up version of Bette Porter... here I come... (ah... the dreams of the slightly young at heart and positive... sigh):
Saturday, 29 December 2007
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
New design
After ages of being annoyed that I couldn't get the background image and box sizes I wanted for the look and feel of my blog, in between Christmas TV and debauchery, I finally got a chance to sit down and interrogate the code behind the standard Blogger template, and hacked it so that my blog now looks like both my YouTube and MySpace pages.
Satisfied smile.
Such a small, but oh so significant change for me. Now this place feels more like home...
Nesting?
Moi?
Satisfied smile.
Such a small, but oh so significant change for me. Now this place feels more like home...
Nesting?
Moi?
Monday, 24 December 2007
Seattle
Seattle, and the Pacific North West has very much made a deep pocket of warmth in my heart. I loved my 6 day visit, from the people, the culture, the food, the arts, and the endearingly changeable weather (which fondly reminded me of London).
When I first landed in Seattle, I went to find my pre-booked shuttle car from the airport to my hotel in downtown Queen Ann, and met this rather gorgeous, and delightfully intelligent blonde lady in her mid-40s, with whom there was an instant spark, and from the moment I helped her retrieve her lost gloves, to the moment we realised we were the only ones in the shuttle car together going to our hotels, we hit it off instantly, and chatted away like we'd been friends for years. Regardless of her being 12-15 years older than me, I found her incredibly beautiful, elegant and several kinds of hot. My gaydar pinged just slightly, which did make me wonder if she was a lovely late bloomer, but I decided to take the budding friendship for what it was, and was very pleasantly surprised when she gave me her card, and even more so since we have now exchanged a few emails. As hot as she is, I'm not setting myself up for one of my famous falls again, but will say that I'm enjoying her friendship, and delighting in her witty, quirky and sometimes refreshingly geeky sense of humour. So lovely to connect again.
On my birthday, while waiting for the Seattle Underground Tour of Pioneer Square to start, I had the pleasure of soaking up the lovely woody atmosphere of the Elliot Bay bookstore, with the comforting sound of old creaking floorboards under my feet, and high bookshelves full of books of every kind, with special hand-written notes by bookstore employees of why they thought certain books were a good read - it was definitely a nice way to while away a few hours in the warmth and presence of so many interesting words and thoughts.
The Underground Tour was wonderful - packed with Seattle's quirky history, a sense of adventure, interesting details on the founders' relationship with Chief Seattle and the Native Americans, and a healthy dose of humorous and sobering tales of the forthright and lively relations between the business men and women and the town planners of the 1800s between then and now. Definitely something I would recommend, and once I have processed the photos, I will definitely share them with you.
I also got to visit Capitol Hill, which was excellent. I dropped into some quirky shops and independent book stores, and also an interesting little Indian jewellery store, where I bought an unusual blue and red Tibetan pendant, from it's very intelligent and worldly owner, with whom I had an interesting conversation about travelling and property developing around the world.
I also got to drop into the wonderful Bailey Coy bookstore, which has a lovely treasure trove of lesbian and gay books, stationary and artwork. I happily browsed around for an hour, and then went up to the sales counter to ask the rather cute woman with dark blonde hair and glasses if she stocked Paige Braddock's "Jane's World". I got a very throaty and darned right sexy "Hello...!" from her, and some very good chemistry going on as we chatted. All the while I was thinking, "Damn, she's cute...a shame I can't take her back home with me...". I even got a wink and some good wishes for the rest of my stay in Seattle.
Sigh.
I don't think I've ever got such a cute and sexy welcome in a long, long time - pity I was only on a flying visit - but remembering her will always give me the warm sexy fuzzies... ;0)
The following day was spent exploring the wonders of Freemont - visiting its quirky and inspiring independent art shops and frame galleries, and also the Freemont Troll, and the sign that declares Freemont 'The Centre of the Universe'. ;0) I was also very fortunate to sample a wonderful Thai restaurant called 'Jai Thai', where I must say I had the most authentic Thai food I've ever tasted since being treated to a 3 course meal at the house of a Thai friend over 12 years ago now. The people at Jai Thai really do prepare their food with the best quality ingredients, and at an amazingly reasonable price too.
That evening, I walked up to Greenwood to spend a few hours with my two favourite authors, Kelley Eskridge (a writer of speculative and sci-fi fiction, who is also a screen writer), and Nicola Griffiths (a crime thriller and and sci-fi writer too). It was really a lovely evening, spent sampling real ale, some excellent white wine and good pub food, as well as sharing stories about growing up in unusual environments, the delights of cooking using fresh organic ingredients, and some quirky stories about dealing matter of factly with illness (Nicola copes quite admirably with MS), as well as joys of travelling too.
I enjoyed the evening so much, that I happily decided to forgo doing the geeky fan thing, and didn't get them to sign books or dissect their books in detail, which I think made for a much more relaxed time all round, where we all felt like we could be ourselves - and I am sure was a nice break from all the interviews and promotional tours they have been doing. At the end of the evening, Nicola was lovely and paid for my meal (as their birthday treat to me), and Kelley drove me back to my hotel (as by this time, it was raining quite heavily, and I had a particularly sore knee from all the walking I had been doing). They also offered to show me around the islands of Puget Sound whenever I next visit, which was really lovely of them. All-in-all it was a really nice experience.
The rest of the trip was spent doing the wonderful Savor Seattle food tour, where I got a quirky personalised tour (as this was the first time they had had only one customer show up in the tours history - they did, however, have a fully booked afternoon tour that same day), so I got to forgo all the formalities once again, and as well as listen to some gossip from various vendors around Pike Place market, got to sample some fantastic food, wine and deserts, as well as buy some very good quality fresh coffee, tea, cheese and chocolate gifts for the folks back home.
After a wonderful day at the Seattle Art Museum, I also got see The Golden Compass (which was good, though sadly not as wonderful as it could have been - I have a feeling the directing and screenplay let down the actors and the story, which was a little disappointing). The Seattle Symphony, however, was wonderful, and listening to Handel's Messiah with Christian Knapp (conductor), and Celena Shafer (soprano), was definitely a treat I would like to experience again.
My final day was spent visiting the Key Arena (whose name always reminds me of my completely unrelated, but much loved Bogie and Bacall film, 'Key Largo'), and the various attractions around the Space Needle, with the Experience Music Project, Pacific Science Center, and Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame being some nice places to visit.
---And you know, even after all of that, and how much I really loved my whole trip, I still don't feel I have gotten to see the full beauty of Seattle, and of course Oregon, and Vancouver. I really do think this calls for another trip in the summer if I can save up for it - I would love to spend a few days just strolling along the coastline, and experiencing the forests and lakes of Oregon, with a stop-off in Vancouver for a bit of exploring, and then back down to Seattle to explore the islands around Puget Sound, and finally track down 'Twice Sold Tales' (that bookstore with the resident cats - it used to be in the Queen Anne neighbourhood, but unfortunately moved to the University district, which I ran out of time to explore).
When I first landed in Seattle, I went to find my pre-booked shuttle car from the airport to my hotel in downtown Queen Ann, and met this rather gorgeous, and delightfully intelligent blonde lady in her mid-40s, with whom there was an instant spark, and from the moment I helped her retrieve her lost gloves, to the moment we realised we were the only ones in the shuttle car together going to our hotels, we hit it off instantly, and chatted away like we'd been friends for years. Regardless of her being 12-15 years older than me, I found her incredibly beautiful, elegant and several kinds of hot. My gaydar pinged just slightly, which did make me wonder if she was a lovely late bloomer, but I decided to take the budding friendship for what it was, and was very pleasantly surprised when she gave me her card, and even more so since we have now exchanged a few emails. As hot as she is, I'm not setting myself up for one of my famous falls again, but will say that I'm enjoying her friendship, and delighting in her witty, quirky and sometimes refreshingly geeky sense of humour. So lovely to connect again.
On my birthday, while waiting for the Seattle Underground Tour of Pioneer Square to start, I had the pleasure of soaking up the lovely woody atmosphere of the Elliot Bay bookstore, with the comforting sound of old creaking floorboards under my feet, and high bookshelves full of books of every kind, with special hand-written notes by bookstore employees of why they thought certain books were a good read - it was definitely a nice way to while away a few hours in the warmth and presence of so many interesting words and thoughts.
The Underground Tour was wonderful - packed with Seattle's quirky history, a sense of adventure, interesting details on the founders' relationship with Chief Seattle and the Native Americans, and a healthy dose of humorous and sobering tales of the forthright and lively relations between the business men and women and the town planners of the 1800s between then and now. Definitely something I would recommend, and once I have processed the photos, I will definitely share them with you.
I also got to visit Capitol Hill, which was excellent. I dropped into some quirky shops and independent book stores, and also an interesting little Indian jewellery store, where I bought an unusual blue and red Tibetan pendant, from it's very intelligent and worldly owner, with whom I had an interesting conversation about travelling and property developing around the world.
I also got to drop into the wonderful Bailey Coy bookstore, which has a lovely treasure trove of lesbian and gay books, stationary and artwork. I happily browsed around for an hour, and then went up to the sales counter to ask the rather cute woman with dark blonde hair and glasses if she stocked Paige Braddock's "Jane's World". I got a very throaty and darned right sexy "Hello...!" from her, and some very good chemistry going on as we chatted. All the while I was thinking, "Damn, she's cute...a shame I can't take her back home with me...". I even got a wink and some good wishes for the rest of my stay in Seattle.
Sigh.
I don't think I've ever got such a cute and sexy welcome in a long, long time - pity I was only on a flying visit - but remembering her will always give me the warm sexy fuzzies... ;0)
The following day was spent exploring the wonders of Freemont - visiting its quirky and inspiring independent art shops and frame galleries, and also the Freemont Troll, and the sign that declares Freemont 'The Centre of the Universe'. ;0) I was also very fortunate to sample a wonderful Thai restaurant called 'Jai Thai', where I must say I had the most authentic Thai food I've ever tasted since being treated to a 3 course meal at the house of a Thai friend over 12 years ago now. The people at Jai Thai really do prepare their food with the best quality ingredients, and at an amazingly reasonable price too.
That evening, I walked up to Greenwood to spend a few hours with my two favourite authors, Kelley Eskridge (a writer of speculative and sci-fi fiction, who is also a screen writer), and Nicola Griffiths (a crime thriller and and sci-fi writer too). It was really a lovely evening, spent sampling real ale, some excellent white wine and good pub food, as well as sharing stories about growing up in unusual environments, the delights of cooking using fresh organic ingredients, and some quirky stories about dealing matter of factly with illness (Nicola copes quite admirably with MS), as well as joys of travelling too.
I enjoyed the evening so much, that I happily decided to forgo doing the geeky fan thing, and didn't get them to sign books or dissect their books in detail, which I think made for a much more relaxed time all round, where we all felt like we could be ourselves - and I am sure was a nice break from all the interviews and promotional tours they have been doing. At the end of the evening, Nicola was lovely and paid for my meal (as their birthday treat to me), and Kelley drove me back to my hotel (as by this time, it was raining quite heavily, and I had a particularly sore knee from all the walking I had been doing). They also offered to show me around the islands of Puget Sound whenever I next visit, which was really lovely of them. All-in-all it was a really nice experience.
The rest of the trip was spent doing the wonderful Savor Seattle food tour, where I got a quirky personalised tour (as this was the first time they had had only one customer show up in the tours history - they did, however, have a fully booked afternoon tour that same day), so I got to forgo all the formalities once again, and as well as listen to some gossip from various vendors around Pike Place market, got to sample some fantastic food, wine and deserts, as well as buy some very good quality fresh coffee, tea, cheese and chocolate gifts for the folks back home.
After a wonderful day at the Seattle Art Museum, I also got see The Golden Compass (which was good, though sadly not as wonderful as it could have been - I have a feeling the directing and screenplay let down the actors and the story, which was a little disappointing). The Seattle Symphony, however, was wonderful, and listening to Handel's Messiah with Christian Knapp (conductor), and Celena Shafer (soprano), was definitely a treat I would like to experience again.
My final day was spent visiting the Key Arena (whose name always reminds me of my completely unrelated, but much loved Bogie and Bacall film, 'Key Largo'), and the various attractions around the Space Needle, with the Experience Music Project, Pacific Science Center, and Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame being some nice places to visit.
---And you know, even after all of that, and how much I really loved my whole trip, I still don't feel I have gotten to see the full beauty of Seattle, and of course Oregon, and Vancouver. I really do think this calls for another trip in the summer if I can save up for it - I would love to spend a few days just strolling along the coastline, and experiencing the forests and lakes of Oregon, with a stop-off in Vancouver for a bit of exploring, and then back down to Seattle to explore the islands around Puget Sound, and finally track down 'Twice Sold Tales' (that bookstore with the resident cats - it used to be in the Queen Anne neighbourhood, but unfortunately moved to the University district, which I ran out of time to explore).
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Where have I been...?!?
Thanks US for your comment, and for asking for where all of my more regular snippets have gone. I really wish I could write my blog via ESP - it would be so much easier!
Part of the reason I have not updated in such a long while, is that I have been madly busy with work etc., and then, of course, my guilty, but indulgently fabulous trip to Seattle (of which I will say more over the next few days).
There is also the vanity factor - the ultimate blogger dilemma, where one wonders if after having so few comments on the blog in general, if one's writing really is too boring for people to read, and if one should just give up writing for a while until that burning need to spill things down in written form rises up again.
Sigh. I know. Pure vanity - but one really does need one's ego stroked every once in a while - so thank-you US for doing just that. I actually do have quite a lot to share that has been going on in the world around me, and to me, so will try and post a bit more this holiday season.
P.S...I have now re-published some of my older writing in the archives for 2007 - taken down in a fit of peak, when I was paranoid about being found by one of my real-life friends. At the moment though, I don't think that's gonna happen - so my dirty laundry is now aired once more...
In the meanwhile, here is one of my fave Youtube moments:
Part of the reason I have not updated in such a long while, is that I have been madly busy with work etc., and then, of course, my guilty, but indulgently fabulous trip to Seattle (of which I will say more over the next few days).
There is also the vanity factor - the ultimate blogger dilemma, where one wonders if after having so few comments on the blog in general, if one's writing really is too boring for people to read, and if one should just give up writing for a while until that burning need to spill things down in written form rises up again.
Sigh. I know. Pure vanity - but one really does need one's ego stroked every once in a while - so thank-you US for doing just that. I actually do have quite a lot to share that has been going on in the world around me, and to me, so will try and post a bit more this holiday season.
P.S...I have now re-published some of my older writing in the archives for 2007 - taken down in a fit of peak, when I was paranoid about being found by one of my real-life friends. At the moment though, I don't think that's gonna happen - so my dirty laundry is now aired once more...
In the meanwhile, here is one of my fave Youtube moments:
Saturday, 1 December 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)