I've been bad...

...I've been very, very bad...

I got my season ticket loan for buying my travel card in my pay packet yesterday, and after first trying to buy the ticket online, and the website refusing to let me complete the transaction, I was very tempted to spend half of the money on a birthday trip to Seattle instead...

I thought about it all day, thought about how restless I've been of late, of how I could earn back the money by selling stuff and doing other things in the meanwhile... How I'd promised myself that I'd go this year, and how disappointed I'd be with me if I just slacked off and didn't make the effort to... How a *very* weird set of coincidences has seemed to be pointing me in the direction of Seattle for the past 6 months...

By the time it got to 9.30pm last night, I'd wound myself in guilty knots, and then thought "**m if you don't do it before 10pm, you're never going to do it...! The only person stopping you is you... go for it! You need to do this.".

So I did - in a scarily short amount of time, I put together a cheap BA flight and cheap accommodation, and booked it all...

I can't believe it.

I'm actually going.

I feel incredibly guilty for using half of the loan money - but know I can make it up if I live like a nun for the next month and a bit - which really isn't that hard if I focus my energies on not going out and eating bland but nourishing food, as well as a few money-making schemes I've had in mind to start anyway.

I'm scared, but excited. Somethings been pushing me to go to Seattle for some years now. I'm not sure what, but I look forward to finding out...

First Lesbian memory?

I was pondering the other day how so many people differ when it comes to their first childhood memories. Some people can't remember anything before 6 years old, and the odd strange person (like myself) can remember sitting up in their cot and plotting an escape route (to the absolute fright of my poor mother when I magically appeared downstairs a few mins later when she had no idea I could walk at the time).

Anyway, I digress, upon wondering about the above (you can see how my brain is full of useless junk) I was thinking back the other day, to when I had my very first 'Lesbian' thought.

For me it was actually my very first sexual thought/dream, so to speak, and I only remember it as it about knocked me sideways: One day when I was 13, I was innocently doing the whole going to school, going home and doing my homework thing as I'd always done, and then bam(!) that night I had this incredibly hot dream that my very cute school librarian (female) and I were snogging each other's faces off. While rather a nice dream, I had never even thought about anything sexual before that moment - certainly gave me pause for thought I can tell you!

It all seems so obvious now...

Inuitive Right Brain

While pretending to work (waisting time), I came across a wonderful collection of links that caused a bit of an epiphany with me today, in terms of why over this last year, I have become more intuitive, spiritual, and weirdly, am using my left hand more, and thus the right-side of my brain...

Before I leave work, I really must put these links somewhere, so I can explore when I'm next at home on my laptop... and for anyone else of course....

Intuitive thinking for artists - how to do it (though I must say, this is how I've basically always thought, so refreshing to find this...)

Right-Left Brain test

I don't have ADD, but the section on all the elements of Right-brain use intrigued me...

Left Brain - Right Brain

Facebook for cats

Must be done... Catbook

Dante break-up (...9 levels of hell)

It has happened.

After getting back from a really lovely time in New York, and meeting the girlfriend for a 4 day trip in Ireland - we broke up on the 1st day, and then ensued a 4-day break-up in extreme slow motion from hell. It's bad enough breaking up with someone, but to then have to see them afterwards and be on holiday with them is tantamount to watching a painful, bad, and extremely hellish car crash in excruciating slow-motion.

I finally got to walk away at 1.30am this morning, and am slowly re-adjusting a sense of self.

I'd say more, but too painful right now.

Am liking not being on edge all the time, and worrying about various things I have not blogged here re. personality clashes etc., so in all, it is for the best.

Now to move on and live life again...

New York and all that lone traveller feeling and experience was fabulous though... will have to post a link to some photos soon...

An unstoppable force...

The time I have seen moving towards me at a rate that I know will hurt, has come today.

My girlfriend has emailed, texted, phoned and now driven her car up to meet the object of her crush/obsession this afternoon, and I have not even bothered to do anything about it, because at this point, I reckon that all the whining, arguing and jealousy in the world isn't going to stop her need to go meet my friend - she has to do it, and whatever happens, happens.

I've been told from the very start by my girlfriend that she was incapable of being serious about me due to her most recent traumatic breakup, and her not believing in the power or reality of love or true affection anymore, and so, as much as I enjoy her company, at the back of my mind, my rational voice has been preparing me for it all ending in tears, and me being hurt in the end. I have only just found out that her ex is still in her life and making demands of her - hence her going hot and cold on me, and her confession that she likes to feel needed by her ex (who went off with a guy), and that she cannot figure out how to end it all completely. So, since the start, I guess, there have been 3 people in this relationship, and then since she met R, there are now 4.

A bit crowded?

Much?

We had amazing, mind-blowing sex yesterday morning, and she sent me some messages saying that she wished she was with me.

But.

I still get the sense that I am more her fuck buddy than anything else, and as 'nice' as she keeps calling me, that will never be enough for her.

Hence her going to meet my friend.

I was wondering today why I'm not mad at my friend R. It's because I know she is a womaniser, and have always accepted that - I will probably like her a little less because of what I sense is happening (the way my girlfriend gets all breathy when she mentions her, the way that they both looked at each other and had deep conversations with each other when we all last went out). All this energy used up in jealousy is doing me no good at all - hence me letting them get on with it really.

I am not sure if I will be able to go to one of our group outings without getting over emotional, but I have realised that this is my chance to end things without feeling guilty, and maintaining some shred of self respect. A lot has been going on that I haven't blogged, some nice and some painful things. But today I felt the need to blog things off of my chest, so to speak.

You never know, I might be completely wrong, and this is all completely innocent, my instincts are off, and my friend has been completely honourable with my girlfriend. But, having drawn an infidelity card in my tarot today, and having my previous instincts around this type of thing in the past being proved right... I'm a bit resigned really.

I guess in the end, this explains why I was confused in not feeling as much as I usually do this far into a relationship - it's because I was instinctively setting myself up for a fall, especially being told by the girlfriend that she had previously slept with friends while in a relationship with someone else.

Writing on the Wall - so to speak.

I guess my new glasses have come in handy.

I really do hope I can fly off to the States soon, and just have some *me* time.

No idea what/how things are going to go on the phone tonight - but looks like it's going to be another learning curve.

In This Place...

It's lonely in this place with you.

I try to open up, but then get cut down by sarcasm. One moment you're very sweet, and the next, so distant - I'm not sure whether to dwell on the good times, or just drift through this whole thing so I don't get as hurt as I know I will.

I'm not sure how to feel, as you keep telling me how much you don't want. And when feelings of jealousy or sadness encroach, I don't even know if I have the right to be feeling them, as I'm not your proper girlfriend... just something that 'happened'...

It's draining being on the defensive all the time, and I have wanted to end this many times, but have a feeling it's not quite the right time yet...

I think I'm finding a balance now, where I can understand, and be patient, as you've made very clear you're not in this for the long-run.

Still hurts though.

I guess, as you so rightly said, it's a learning process for both of us, and for myself, I think, karma for what has been.